


The Show - Season Two

by GutterBall



Series: The Show [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Original work - Freeform, all the sarcasm, occasional cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-06 22:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 51,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3150812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GutterBall/pseuds/GutterBall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apparently, I'm not tired of meta-ing myself and my friends, and those crazy friends aren't yet tired of being meta-ed. We may have saved the world (in the least spectacular way ever) at the end of last season, but we're still under contract until the end of time, so we're still making episodes.</p><p>And we still use the word "fiddly" too often to change them all. Sorry. It's our lexicon now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Episode 1

VO Kamren: Welcome back, everyone! The holidays are over, and it's time for season two of The Show!

Audience: *polite golf clap*

You: *yawn*

Me: Yeah, I dunno that we're gonna be able to beat that last bit.

You: The yawn?

Me: The thwarted alien invasion.

You: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.

Me: How??

You: I've slept since then.

Me: ...Granted. Although I can't say the same. *yawn*

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon, guys! Not another yawning episode!

Audience: We're borrrrrrredddsnnxnxxxxxxxxx.....

You: What do you want from us? It's stupidly early on a Monday morning.

VO Kamren: It's a new year! It's a new season! We saved the world last time we were in this room!

Me: He has a point.

You: I need more Diet Coke if you want more enthusiasm.

Me: *facepalm*

You: Just get to the topic, already.

Me: I wanna talk about salads in a jar.

VO Kamren: That doesn't sound too--

You: No. You've talked salads in jars to death. I already said that if you can't make it Chinese food in a jar, I'm not interested.

Me: Rude.

You: Movin on.

VO Kamren: The actual topic I have written down is "what to do after you've saved the world from an alien invasion". Go!

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: *snores*

You: Um... I guess I went back to work?

Me: Ditto.

VO Kamren: No! Like... what did you do AFTER that? Did you go home and celebrate?

Me: *shrug* Not really. I went home and had some leftover casserole. Watched some movies I'd rented.

You: I did dinner. Didn't do movies. I did, however, look at pictures of Nate. Does that count as celebrating?

VO Kamren: Would you have been doing that anyway?

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: Then no. C'mon, guys! Work with me, here!

Me: I feel like you have a direction you want us to go, but you want to nudge us that way without actually just telling us straight out.

VO Kamren: *fidgets*

You: I'm suddenly paying attention. Kamren, are you still trying to woo your massage therapist?

VO Kamren: No!

Me: *narrows eyes* Is this another one of your advertising schemes?

VO Kamren: Ugh, no!

Audience: Did you finally get laid? If so, what was it like?

You: Gross! No! Bad audience!

Me: I thought they were asleep...?

Audience: We were, but we got bored.

Me: You were bored sleeping so you woke up?

Audience: ...Sounded better in our heads.

You: ANYWAY... Annabelle, what gives? Just tell us, already.

VO Kamren: FINE. *whispers* The execs say they want us to make a big deal out of saving the world in hopes of improving ratings. They say you two need to shout it from the rooftops, basically. So get shouting.

Me: While I have a sudden urge to just start screaming my head off for no reason, no.

You: Fiddly no.

VO Kamren: *whines* Guuuuyyyyyyys....

Me: We're not, I dunno, mascots or whatever.

You: And it's not like anyone watches this show anyway. And even if they did, what makes you think they actually believe that happened?

VO Kamren: We have it all on tape!

Me: *eyeroll* And you could probably get better effects with the crappiest video editing freeware on the internet.

VO Kamren: But--

You: In short, Annabelle, not only are we NOT shouting our victory from the rooftops, but even if we did...?

Me: No one would believe us. *sigh* Otherwise, I'd have found a way to tell Rob.

You: And Nate.

Audience: And your mom.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Audience: Sue us.

VO Kamren: UGH. You guys are impossible! What am I supposed to do? We're second season, guys. Statistics say we have to up the ante to keep our audience invested, but how do we do better than saving the world?

Audience: We get the feeling that when you say "audience", you don't mean us.

VO Kamren: I mean the people watching online.

Audience: Rude! We're right here, dude!

Me: And who cares about statistics? I mean, it's not like we can be cancelled. We're under contract until the end of time.

You: Exactly. So until Mols figures out how to science us out of time, we're all stuck here, big ratings or no big ratings.

Audience: If you wanna up the ratings, one of you should strip.

Us: NO.

Audience: *opens mouth*

You: I will slap the taste right out of your collective mouth.

Audience: *closes mouth*

You: *glares*

VO Kamren: So... that's your final answer? You won't be all "Woo-hoo! We saved the world!"?

You: Fiddly.

Me: Damn straight.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Now I gotta come up with, like, regular topics.

Me: Now I'm curious. What kind of topics were you going to hit us with?

VO Kamren: Um... like... how have your lives changed since you saved the world?

You: Mine hasn't. I didn't even get free Chinese food.

VO Kamren: Now that you've saved the world, are you gonna actually try to meet your hopeless crushes?

Me: ...And tell them what? Hi, I'm a lunatic claiming to have saved the world. Wanna get some gelato?

You: ...That might actually work for me. The gelato part, anyway.

VO Kamren: Have your clothing choices changed since you've become full-time superheroes?

You: Wait, we what now? Did you just nerd on us?

Me: While I've wanted to be a superhero pretty much my whole life, I don't think you know what the word "superhero" means. Because it's fiddly not us.

You: I'm not wearing spandex. Or my underwear on the outside.

Me: And capes are death. But that's besides the point. We're not superheroes. We faked out a couple of cripplingly stupid aliens.

VO Kamren: *flaps papers* I'm just reading, here!

Me: But you came up with these topics!

VO Kamren: I was trying to appeal to a broader audience!

You: *snorts* Our audience is already pretty broad.

Audience: Is that a fat joke??

You: Yes.

Audience: Rude! Take off your shirt to apologize!

You: *brandishes slapping hand*

Audience: ...Terror boner's back. Not even sorry.

You: Gross! Ugh!

Me: Iiiiiii think that's about it for the day. This episode of... like... _nothing_... kinda got long.

VO Kamren: I can't believe you guys are refusing to bank on the whole world-saving thing.

Me: We're not superheroes, Kamren. We're just regular people put into unusual circumstances who happened to come out on top.

VO Kamren: Isn't that kind of the definition of a superhero?

Me: *shrug* A hero, maybe, but not a superhero. We don't have any special powers.

You: I dunno, Mols. You're pretty super at being a gigantic nerd.

Me: Ya know? I'm gonna take that as a compliment. And I'm pretty sure your ability to consume mass quantities of Diet Coke only to shoot it back out again moments later is some kind of super power.

You: I do what I can.

VO Kamren: Whatever. As usual, you guys suck. Let's just fade out. Studio ghosts?

Lights: *fade*

Camera: *turns off*

Audience: Yeah, the novelty's gone. We're not scared anymore.

Lights: *turn off entirely*

Audience: *screams like little girls*

Me: Okay, I admit it. Kinda good to be back, guys.

You: Whatever.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Just go.

-FADE OUT-


	2. Episode 2

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Boring Ol' Show!

Me: God, did they change the name AGAIN?

You: I think he's still grumpy about us not being all gung-ho.

Me: Lame.

VO Kamren: Today's topic is... embarrassing blunders!

Me: ...

You: ...

Audiene: ...Can we take this one? We could write a book, there.

You: *grumbles* Not remotely surprised.

VO Kamren: Nope. This one is just for them.

Me: *headshake* Bitter little wombat, ain't he?

You: Fiddly. Especially since this topic applies to him WAY more than to us.

Me: *brightens* Hey, that's right. He didn't say OUR embarrassing blunders, after all.

You: Sometimes, I love the way your nerdy, doofy mind works.

Audience: Awwww. That was actually kinda sweet.

You: SHOOSH.

Me: So how 'bout that time--

VO Kamren: NO. Not MY blunders.

You: But we could talk about those all day!

VO Kamren: Stop being difficult and just discuss the damn topic!

Me: WELL.

You: Right?? Someone put on his cranky pants this morning.

VO Kamren: BLUNDERS. GO.

Me: 50 Shades of Grey.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...We're listening.

Me: It's fiddly an embarrassing blunder. Just an asshole control freak taking over a mousy nobody's life and camouflaging it as BDSM. And everyone in the country bought it twice.

You: Sounds legit.

VO Kamren: That's not YOUR blunder! Quit avoiding the topic!

You: Eh, this is more interesting. I haven't read it, but it's impossible to not have heard about it.

Me: Right? And it's SO FRUSTRATING. As a writer, I try so hard to infuse character and theme and meaning and really focus on good writing and tell stories I'd want to read and... that. That gets the money. That sells so fast they can't keep it on the shelves. That gets the movie deals.

You: ...Sorry? *patpats* There there?

Me: Just frustrating. *kicks a rock* Makes my creativity go all turtle on me.

You: ...*snickers*

Me: ...*snickers*

Audience: ...*snickers*

VO Kamren: ...I don't get it.

Me: Never mind.

You: So we talked about embarrassing blunders. What next?

VO Kamren: You still didn't talk about YOUR embarrassing blunders.

You: What do you want from us? Sometimes, I think my whole love life has been one long, embarrassing blunder.

Me: Hey, now, don't do that. No one gets love right.

You: I just... why do I meet all the skeevy guys??

Audience: *raises hand*

Us: *ignores them*

Me: I promise all the guys aren't skeevy. Just... you've had a string of bad luck. That's not YOUR blunder. Just... bad luck.

You: *kicks a rock* Doesn't feel that way.

Me: Eh, find yourself a massage therapist, like Annabelle over there.

You: *snerk* And actually talk to him?

Me: Exactly.

VO Kamren: *narrows eyes* I feel like you're bringing up my blunders even though I specifically told you not to.

You: That's because we are.

Me: It wasn't even difficult.

Audience: Burn, dude. Burn.

VO Kamren: Well, quit it! Talk about dumb stuff you've done!

Me: Fine. I went to a college that promised me a full ride after a semester instead of the college where I was guaranteed a full ride from day one. The college I ended up at gypped me out of my full ride, so now I'll be paying student loans for the rest of my life. Happy now?

You: Why didn't you just go to the freebie college?

Me: Highest murder and crime rate of any campus in the state.

You: ...Okay, that's not a blunder. That was... prudent? Is that the word I'm looking for?

Me: I thought so at the time. I'm rethinking now, though. My life might have been shorter there, but hey. No student loans.

VO Kamren: That was... unexpectedly depressing.

Me: What did you expect? Your everyday blunders are mild irritations to you and endlessly amusing to us. Our blunders are soul-scorching.

You: WHICH IS WHY WE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM.

Audience: They have a point, dude.

VO Kamren: Hey! When did I become the jerk, here??

Me: You always were, Annabelle. You always were.

VO Kamren: *stews*

Me: *grumbles*

You: *fumes*

Audience: *contemplates Kamren's mom's underwear*

VO Kamren: NOT HELPING.

Audience: Wasn't trying to.

VO Kamren: So are we done?

You: Well, you've managed to both depress us and tick us off.

Me: I'm feeling the burden of a lifetime of debt and no way to pay it off, and Lori's feeling like a loveless waif.

Us: So yeah, we're fiddly done.

Audience: *winces*

VO Kamren: I feel like we should salvage this somehow.

Me: I feel like it's probably best if we go back to our separate corners and stop thinking about you being a superjerk.

You: *snerk* Hey! We finally figured out Kamren's superpower. And it sucks.

VO Kamren: Rude!

Audience: But true.

VO Kamren: You don't get an opinion!

Audience: RUDE.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Let's just go. I'll try to think of something happier tomorrow.

You: You do that. Superjerk.

Me: *snickers*

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Everyone sucks.

Me: And in a late, come-from-behind victory, Kamren Annabelle takes the Embarrassing Blunder Sweeps by a country mile!

You: He certainly is a horse's ass.

VO Kamren: Hey!!

Us: *highfive*

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you both.

Audience: What about us?

VO Kamren: HATE YOU ALL. Fade out, already!

-FADE OUT-


	3. Episode 3

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show. Today, we'll be trying not to tear each other's throats out.

You: Exaggerate much, Annabelle?

Me: Seriously, guys. Let's just bury the hatchet, huh?

You: In his skull?

Me: ...Um... no. I was... I was actually being seriously. Just this once.

VO Kamren: *narrows eyes*

You: *narrows eyes*

Audience: *shifts restlessly*

Me: Guys? We're all friends here, right?

You: ...Yeah?

VO Kamren: I guess.

Audience: Awwwwwwwww.

Me: Okay. So bickering is fine because, seriously, snark rules, but let's all quit being so cranky. At least not all at once.

You: Whatever. I have Diet Coke. I'm happy.

VO Kamren: I just... *sigh* Never mind. Sure. We can all just get along.

Me: You're still cranky that we won't cowtow to the execs, aren't you?

VO Kamren: They're our bosses!

You: *snorts* More like our slavers.

Me: We seriously aren't getting paid, dude.

VO Kamren: ...I keep forgetting about that part.

Me: See? So no reason to cowtow. Let's just do our thing. I even have a topic for us.

You: Oh, joy.

Me: *narrows eyes*

You: I mean... go right ahead. With your nerd stuff. *sigh*

Me: Running charades.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...Why does that phrase sound familiar?

Me: It's on my Tweet calendar.

You: *snorts* You mean your Rob calendar.

Me: *eyeroll* Fine. My Rob calendar of favorite tweets. He tweeted "That was a serious night of running charades" that one time. I could never tell if he was serious or if it was some Britishism I just didn't know or what.

You: Oh, the tragedy.

Me: I like knowing things! Anyway, something made me think of it last night, so on a whim, I googled the phrase, and it turns out it's an actual thing.

You: ...How...?

VO Kamren: I mean, how can you charades if you're running?

Audience: ...Don't explain yet. We want to get an image.

You: Gross.

Me: Seriously! It actually sounds kinda fun, but you have to have enough people for it because you need teams.

You: Pssh. Said as if we know people.

Me: I bet your nieces would get a kick out of it.

You: ...Okay, rules.

Audience: *takes notes*

Me: You're gonna be disappointed, guys. At no point should anyone be naked.

Audience: Dammit.

Me: Okay, so you break the group into at least 2 teams with at least three people on each team, but more is better. Everyone comes up with a list of 10 things. Thematic lists work well, but random stuff works fine, too. You'll be sitting out the time it's your list, which is why there has to be at least three on each team, get it?

VO Kamren: ...?

You: Because if there are only two people on a team, when one of you sits out, the other is just S.O.L.

VO Kamren: ...I knew that.

Me: Or, you can just have an odd person out so the teams have the same amount of people, no matter who the list person sitting out is. Anyway, set up the two (or more) teams in separate rooms where they can't hear each other, then set the first list person up equidistant from them.

You: This sounds complicated. Complicated is usually boring.

Me: It gets exciting. Give it a minute.

Audience: *opens mouth*

You: No. Don't even.

Audience: *closes mouth*

Me: ANYWAY, one person from each team comes to the list person and gets the first thing on the list. They both run to their teams and try to guess the thing. The first person to get it right runs back to the list person and whispers the thing to him/her. The list person checks off whichever side and whispers the next clue. That person is now the... uh... charader? What's the term there?

VO Kamren: Actor? Charade person?

You: Goofball doing all the arm-slapping?

Me: Yeah, that. Anyway, that person is now the arm-slapper for the next round. As each team gets each clue, they tell the list person, who keeps track of who's ahead but doesn't tell either team, and they switch off, running back and forth, until someone gets the last topic and wins.

You: Honestly, I'm tired just listening to that.

Me: But now we know why it was a SERIOUS night of running charades.

You: *eyeroll* Unless he was just being a smartass.

Me: ...How is that not better?

VO Kamren: Is it weird that I kinda want to try that now?

Me: Nope. I kinda do, too. Haven't played Charades since probably high school.

You: *eyeroll* Hey, maybe we can all get together and play it at Kamren's parents' winter solstice orgy.

Audience: Yes. Please. All the yes.

VO Kamren: *twitches* That was actually a couple of weeks ago.

You: Shucks. *tries to mean it*

Me: Aw, poop. *sorta means it*

Audience: CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP. *really, really means it*

VO Kamren: Ugh. Well, that was a topic, and no one died, so I count this episode a win. Even though my parents were brought up AGAIN.

You: We didn't talk about Nate.

Me: But you facebooked for most of the conversation.

You: ...Not the same.

Me: ...True enough. Um... I'm sure his hair looks full and windswept today.

You: I know you're patronizing me right now, but... thanks. I bet it does.

Me: I got your back, BGFF.

VO Kamren: Do what now?

You: It's a thing friends do, wombat. Have each others' backs.

VO Kamren: No, no. What's a BGFF?

Audience: Best orgy friends forever?

Us: Ugh. No.

VO Kamren: Wouldn't that be BOFF?

Audience: ...How is that not better??

VO Kamren: ...I don't...?

You: Never mind. BGFF is a me and Mols thing. Just let it go.

VO Kamren: But what does it mean? Is it something I should know?

Me: It's harmless. Let it go.

VO Kamren: But now I wanna know!

Me: Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: That's right, folks. It's that time again. Time to say goodbye until next time.

Me: *sings* So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!

You: *sings* Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you!

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: Cultureless cretins.

You: Seriously.

VO Kamren: Whatever. I thought we were done.

Us: We are.

Audience: Anybody up for some naked running charades?

VO Kamren: FADE OUT.

Audience: Shucks. *means it*

-FADE OUT-


	4. Episode 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we know what happens when I'm sick. This is what happens when Lori's sick. Also, this is the reason there were only 4 episodes this week. Well, that and I was too busy for breaks the last half of the week.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The--

You: *blows nose*

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

You: Sorry, go on.

Me: Are you sick?

You: ...Is that a trick question?

Me: *scoots away*

You: Rude.

VO Kamren: You look a little flushed. Do you have a fever?

You: I dunno. Just feel crummy. Let's get this over with.

Me: *dons plague mask*

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: I just want to say, before we even get started, that I will NOT be ordering anyone any soup.

Me: Rude.

You: Fiddly rude.

Audience: Seriously.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Last time, the guy looked at me funny because I tipped him in change.

Me: You what?? That is sooooo rude!

You: Kamren Annabelle, unless you're rounding to the nearest doller -- OVER a dollar, mind you -- you never, EVER tip change!

Me: It's like wearing a nametag that says, "Hello, I am a massive douchebag who is also a lousy tipper".

Audience: SERIOUSLY.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Not ordering soup.

You: *sniffles and grumbles*

Me: Do you want me to talk about sleepy-eyed Nate fluffing your pillows and tucking you in and running his fingers through your hair?

You: ...Is THAT a trick question?

Me: Right, right. Shouldn't have had to ask.

Audience: We can rub your feet.

You: ...Okay, it's a sign of how crummy I feel that I'm actually tempted.

Me: Good thing your BGFF is here to resist temptation when you can't. *brandishes pepper spray*

Audience: Aw, c'mon!

Me: No. Bad audience. No touchy.

Audience: *grumbles*

VO Kamren: Are we gonna be able to focus on a topic today with her being all--

You: *bloooooooows nose*

VO Kamren: --mucusy?

You: Gross.

Me: Eh, we might be a little more vague and wandering than usual, but we can probably manage. *whips out a fleecy blanket* Here ya go, Lori.

You: *cocoons self* Thanks, BGFF.

VO Kamren: You're just doing it on purpose now.

Me: What? Being nice?

VO Kamren: The BGFF thing. You're just bringing it up to torment me. What does it mean??

You: *blows nose* It means that you need to get with the topic already because I'm already halfway through my kleenexes.

VO Kamren: Gross.

You: Whatever. I'm tired. You have a limited window in which to force me to function before I let Mols Nate-talk me to sleep.

Me: Already planning the wording.

You: Aw!

Me: *tucks blanket more securely*

VO Kamren: Ugh. You two are so weird. Okay, the topic is... uh... *eyes clippy thing, then shrugs* Screw it. The topic is supposed to be office supplies, but since Lori's got the plague and it's like sub-Arctic temperatures outside, let's do warm, sunny beaches again.

Me: I am shockingly okay with that.

You: Much appreciated, Kamren.

Audience: We won't even mention babes in bikinis.

You: *sniffles* You guys are the best.

Audience: Aw!

You: *scowls* I meant EVERYBODY. Don't get cocky.

Audience: We'll take it!

Me: Man, wouldn't it be nice to be lazing on the beach, soaking up the sun and the sound of the waves, the smell of the wind off the ocean, sipping pina coladas and just... relaxing?

You: I would be in a bliss coma.

Me: Rob would be slathered in SPF and avoiding the water because he can't swim, and Nate would be under a beach umbrella with you, strumming a guitar and piecing together a song about how the sun turns your eyes to colored glass and your smile to a benediction on the warmth of the sun.

You: Aw! That's a good song!

Me: Right? And Kamren would be out paddling around in his water wings--

VO Kamren: Watch it now.

Me: --and the audience would be hitting on anything and everything that moves. Including a hungry seagull and a baby sea turtle that's just trying to get back into the water.

Audience: Whatever. We'd be offering to rub SPF on Lori's back.

Me: And she'd be ignoring you in favor of watching Nate's hair ruffle in the gentle ocean breeze.

You: *happy sigh*

Audience: *rueful sigh*

VO Kamren: I wanna play frisbie with someone's dog now.

Me: Right? And I wanna try to count the freckles on Rob's shoulders.

You: Wouldn't that take a while?

Me: *fond grin* Just about forever, yeah.

You: Nicely done.

Me: I try. It's as close to romantic as I get.

You: You're getting better.

Me: Aw, thanks! ...I think.

VO Kamren: This has been, like, a really nice episode.

You: It really has.

Me: Good times, guys. Good times.

VO Kamren: I just... I keep waiting for something to blow up. Or for Mols to Hulk out. Or for Lori to pepper spray me. Or for the audience to gross us all out.

Audience: We're good. We have porn downloading at home.

VO Kamren: ...I'm gonna accept that as par for the course and let it go.

Me: Wow, wombat. That was pretty generous of you.

VO Kamren: *shrug*

You: You guys are awesome. I feel like run-over dog crap, but at least I have friends.

Audience: We were serious about the feet-rubbing thing. No creeper, we swear.

You: ...Mols?

Me: ...They don't LOOK like they're being skeevy.

You: ...Okay, but just this once. And if anything goes above the ankle, I can't promise I won't put my foot through someone's face.

Audience: Woo-hoo!

VO Kamren: Oh, and there's the delivery guy.

Me: Delivery guy?

VO Kamren: I ordered some eggdrop soup while you were describing Nate writing a song for her.

Lori: AW!

Me: You DO have a soul!

Audience: We're gonna take back at least a quarter of the things we've said about you.

VO Kamren: Yeah, yeah. Let's just fade out while we're all high on good vibes.

Me: Probably a good plan.

Lori: *sniffles* Thanks, guys. I don't feel better, but I do FEEL better. Does that make sense?

Me: Of course it does.

Audience: *too busy rubbing feet to skeeve*

VO Kamren: Good show, guys.

Me: *highfives Kamren* Let's get while the gettin's good.

VO Kamren: Right.

-FADE OUT-


	5. Episode 5

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back t--

Me: *groans*

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *lays head on table and hides under arms* Too loud. *whimpers*

VO Kamren: Uh... Mols?

You: Uh-oh.

VO Kamren: Uh-oh... what?

You: Mols, do you have a migraine?

Me: *whiiiimmmmmpers*

You: That would be a yes.

VO Kamren: So... what do we do?

Me: *cringes and hides head more*

You: We... be very, very quiet.

Audience: Are we hunting wabbits?

You: *glares*

Audience: Sorry.

Me: *muffled by arms* 'M fine. Go on with The Show.

You: Would it help if we dimmed the lights?

Me: *muffled* Yessssssssss.

You: Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: Better?

Me: *peeks out of hiding* Yeah, actually. Thanks, BGFF.

You: No problem.

VO Kamren: Geez, quit rubbing it in!

Me: *groans and buries head in arms again*

You: Kamren! I just said we need to be quiet!

VO Kamren: ...Sorry.

Me: *cringes*

VO Kamren: Look, this isn't gonna work. We can't be quiet and do The Show.

Me: *shudders* Why is his voice so PAINFUL??

You: *pats my back* Because he's annoying, Mols. Can I get you anything?

Me: *whimpers* I've had so much Coke and aspirin that if I got a papercut, I'd hemorrhage carbonation until I died.

Audience: Oh. That is just. That is the unsexiest thing we've ever heard.

You: Bless your heart. Do you at least know what's causing this one?

Me: *still muffled* Kamren sent me an article about how this cold snap is forcing record high barometric pressures in the Midwest, which is just brutalizing the migraine-suffering population.

VO Kamren: I was having headaches and figured Mols was worse off.

Me: *cringes* Why is his voice worse than everyone else's??

You: *tries not to snicker*

VO Kamren: I don't find that funny. At all.

You: *struggles to keep a straight face*

Me: *muffled* Let's just... very quietly... and with as little Kamren's voice as possible... talk about the topic.

VO Kamren: Very funny. I'm dying. Really.

Me: *cringes*

VO Kamren: *whispers* Fine. Whatever. The topic is quality time. Go.

You: ...What, like... quality time with a significant other? Because... rude.

Me: *muffled* Fiddly rude.

VO Kamren: No, like quality time with friends.

Me: *cringes*

VO Kamren: *rolls eyes and whispers* I mean, like, we should do stuff outside of work and this.

You: Okay, I get it. Like we sometimes do lunch at George's or whatever.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Exactly. But we can't always afford that, so... other stuff.

Audience: Can we go?

You and VO Kamren: NO.

Audience: *whimpers*

Me: *whimpers*

You: Sorry, Mols. So... I heard there's a free basketball game in a week or so over at the college. Why don't we go to that?

Me: *peers up through arms* Because it's basketball.

You: *eyeroll* Not everything can be football, Mols. And this is free.

VO Kamren: Why is it free?

You: I dunno. Some kind of Family Night thing sponsored by a church to get more people to come to the games or something.

Me: *whimpers* Family Night? That means kids will be there.

You: *eyeroll* Seriously, Mols.

Me: *wibbles* I'll have to be family friendly! I'll have to... like... filter!

You: It's FREE.

Me: *grumbles and hides head again* Fine.

VO Kamren: I can't believe--

Me: *cringes*

VO Kamren: *whispers* --you got her to agree to that! How about... we do another lunch, but somewhere more in our price range?

You: Oo! How about Chinese?

VO Kamren: There aren't any really good Chinese restaurants close by.

You: ...Mexican?

VO Kamren: Hmmmm... there's that one place up on the main drag. If we do the basketball game next week, we could do lunch the week after that, right?

You: Sounds good to me. Mols?

Me: *muffled* Sounds like you're arranging playdates.

You: Ugh. Get off the whole Family Night thing! It's not that big a deal!

Me: *muffled* Fine. But the first kid who kicks me in the back of the head is volunteering to be the basketball for my three-point shot.

You: Whatever.

Audience: *whines* Why can't we go?

You: Lots of reasons.

Audience: Rude.

You: Reason one: there are too damn many of you.

VO Kamren: Yeah, the Mexican place--

Me: *cringes and moans pitifully*

VO Kamren: *eyerolls and whispers* --probably can't hold you all.

You: And the basketball game is Family Night. And you guys are just all the skeevy.

Audience: We proved we can be non-skeevy! We rubbed your feet for like an hour!

Me: *muffled* They have a point.

You: They also had a secret boner the whole time.

Audience: *gasps* YOU KNEW??

You: *shudders* Yes. I was just too sick to protest, as long as you didn't do anything about it.

Audience: Rude! We think...?

VO Kamren: ANYWAY--

Me: *huddles and whimpers* IT BURNS US!!

VO Kamren: Oh, for the love of... *whispers* Anyway, we have a couple of things set up, so let's wrap this up and call it a day before her head explodes.

You: Seconded.

Me: *muffled* Thirded. Please make him stop.

VO Kamren: Good grief.

You: Mols? You okay?

Me: I'll live. Sadly.

You: Just think happy thoughts about Rob giving you a good head massage.

Me: ...You're such a good friend.

You: I try. We good?

VO Kamren: We're good. Lights?

Lights: *dim more*

You: We're outta here.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did have an epic migraine. Yes, it did hurt this bad.


	6. Episode 6

VO Kamren: *whispers* Welcome back to The Show. I dunno if it's safe to be full-volume yet. Mols?

Me: *winces* I have a nice hot cup of Earl Grey. I should be okay for a bit.

You: Feeling better, then?

Me: Pretty sure my brain is oozing out of my skull in invisible gobbets and snailtrails.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: Let's do this thing while my tea's still hot.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Can do. Today's topic is "things that make you super comfortable".

You: *narrows eyes* Are you trying to be nice, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: ...Yes?

You: Oh. Well, good job. Let's talk comforting things.

Me: I could really stand to be all cocooned in my college quilt right now.

You: College quilt?

Me: An old quilt my mom made and sent off with each of us kids when we went to college. I was the last kid, so I got to keep it. It's super comfortable.

You: Aw, that's actually nice. I could do with a nice, cushy blanket, too. And some warm pajamas. And chicken and dumplings.

Me: Oh, heck yeah. I could fiddly go for those, too. *sigh*

VO Kamren: *whispers* Who couldn't?

Us: Right?

Audience: Should we offer to rub Mols' feet?

Me: I will cut you.

Audience: ...

You: That's a no.

Audience: ...Duly noted.

Me: I could also do with my Celtic playlist. Just playing softly in the background.

You: Borrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnng.

Me: You just don't like that it's all instrumental so you can't sing along.

You: Fiddly boring. I could, however, stand to listen to some Fun.

Me: Shocking.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Gotta admit; I kinda saw that one coming.

You: Rude.

Me: My tea's cooling off. *sigh*

Audience: She... she looks so sad.

You: Pitiful, ain't it?

Audience: It kind of is.

You: Mols? Do you want me to go nuke it?

Me: Blasphemy!

You: ...That's a no.

Me: Fiddly no. I'll just drink it faster. Good God.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Note to self: never offer to nuke someone's hot tea.

Me: It's... dude, if you guys suggested that anywhere in Great Britain, I'm pretty sure they'd just straight up execute you. It's worse than a crime. It's... it's an OFFENSE.

You: Okay, okay, calm down. I can literally see the vein pulsing in your temple.

Me: It hurts.

You: It looks like it hurts. Deep breaths. Think about Celtic music and your college quilt.

Me: *deep breaths*

VO Kamren: *whispers* Think about Rob reading you the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Me: ...*whimpers* Now I want that.

VO Kamren: ...*whispers* Is that good or bad?

Me: ...Good? I think?

VO Kamren: Whew.

Me: *winces*

VO Kamren: *whispers* Sorry.

You: *arm-chucks him* Nicely done, wombat. That was like two nerd homeruns in one. Or even three.

VO Kamren: *whispers* How so?

You: *counts on fingers* Rob, the British accent, and that boring fantasy crap.

Me: *narrows eyes and sips tea*

You: Sorry. That awesome, fascinating, scintillating fantasy crap.

Me: *lets it slide*

You: I'd much rather just listen to Nate sing to me. That would be... just... all the comfort.

Me: I want some sandalwood something in my scent warmer thing.

You: So your place can smell like a comforting opium den instead of just a regular one?

Me: Not an opium den! Sheesh!

You: Okay, so for you, we have a sandalwood opium den, Rob reading you boring fantasy crap, hot tea, chicken and dumplings, and the college quilt.

Me: Check.

You: And for me, we have Nate, Fun., pajamas, chicken and dumplings, a comfy blanket, Nate, and Fun.

Me: Sounds legit.

You: What about you, Kamren? What's your most comforting stuff?

VO Kamren: *whispers* I dunno, actually. Not being pepper-sprayed?

Me: Bless your heart.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Not talking about anything the audience wants to talk about.

Audience: Rude. But seriously, kid; bless your heart.

VO Kamren: *whispers* My podium not being haunted? That's pretty comforting.

You: What about your masseuse?

VO Kamren: *nods and whispers* Yeah, that's kind of a happy place, there.

Audience: Now we're getting into it.

VO Kamren: Gross! Not THAT kind of happy place!

Me: *cringes*

VO Kamren: *whispers* Sorry.

Me: Understood this time. That was fiddly gross.

Audience: How's your tea?

Me: *sigh* Pretty much cold.

Audience: We could make you another?

Me: *narrows eyes*

You: *shrug* They look serious. And they never try to skeeve on you, so...?

Me: *reluctantly hands over cup* Earl Grey with a little honey, please. And careful with that cup. I made it myself.

Audience: *shuffles out en masse*

VO Kamren: *whispers* It's so weird when they do that.

Me: Like watching a flock of sparrows or something.

You: Creepy. Anyway, are we done?

VO Kamren: *whispers* I think so. We talked about the topic, nobody died, and Mols hasn't hid her head even once.

Me: It was close a couple of times.

VO Kamren: *whispers* So yeah, I think we're good.

You: You really made that cup, Mols?

Me: Used to audit pottery classes in college. If I'd taken them for credit instead of just auditing them, I could've had an art minor, too.

VO Kamren: *whispers* ...Too?

Me: In addition to my German minor and my psychology minor.

You: Such. A nerd.

Me: *shrug*

VO Kamren: *whispers* Anyway, as soon as the audience is back with--

Audience: Back! And we bear a gift!

Me: *warily sniffs* Smells like Earl Grey. And honey.

Audience: *holds breath*

Me: *warily sips* ...Mmmmmmmm.

Audience: *highfives selves*

You: Whew.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Right? I was all ready for the Hulk.

Me: *sips in bliss*

VO Kamren: *whispers* That's all for today, then, folks! Join us next time when we talk about God knows what!

You: That's the spirit.

Audience: The foot rub offer still stands. Just puttin that out there.

Me: Will still cut you.

Audience: ...Duly noted.

-FADE OUT-


	7. Episode 7

VO Kamren: *whispers* Are we cleared for full volume?

Me: *weary thumbs up*

VO Kamren: You sure? You look awful tired.

You: Still not getting much sleep?

Me: Eh. I'll live. It's letting up. I'm getting to the punchy, doofy phase now.

VO Kamren: You're not usually punchy-doofy?

Me: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: *hides*

Me: Eh. Too tired to hurt you.

You: It's okay, Mols. Let's just get on with The Show.

VO Kamren: *unhides* Right. Welcome back to The Show everyone! Today's topic is trust exercises!

Me: ...We're not gonna have to actually DO trust exercises, right?

VO Kamren: ...I feel like that might be a sign that we oughtta do some trust exercises.

You: Pass.

Me: Fiddly pass.

Audience: Since there's no way in hell they'll trust us beyond a little foot-rubbing and some hot tea... pass.

Us: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: Okay, so you clearly both have trust issues.

Me: *yawns* Ugh. It's not just you guys. I mean, I don't really trust anyone. Not in a Thou Shalt Betray Me kind of way; just... it's more prudent to rely on myself. I mean, I know my limitations, so it won't be a letdown, right?

You: *shrugs* I trust you guys well enough. I just... don't have the best track record with trusting anyone else. People in general suck, and they will absolutely bite you any chance they get.

VO Kamren: That's really sad, guys. I feel like I should defend the rest of the world.

Audience: People ARE pretty skeevy, dude. And this is US saying that.

You: For once, I agree with them.

Me: Yeowch. But true. People in general will absolutely just bite your life.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...Is... is that a euphamism?

Audience: ...We're into it.

Me: What? What'd I say?

You: You really are tired, aren't you?

Me: *yawns* What makes you say that?

You: Never mind. Anyway, the few times I've really opened up and let anyone but you guys in, it's blown up in my face.

Me: *hesitates* Engagement?

You: *twitches* Exactly.

Me: Sorry. Didn't mean to...

You: Not your fault.

VO Kamren: But that's just the one guy. I mean, I know he burned you something fierce, but--

You: In Mols' new catchphrase, he fiddly bit my life.

Me: Um... my what now?

VO Kamren: Yeah, I think we need to back off from the life-biting now and focus on--

Me: Oh, snap, is that what I said? I meant... I dunno....

You: You know what it made me think of when you said it?

Me: *sings half-heartedly* Baaay-beeee shark, doo doooo doo doo-doo doooo?

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: Um... no. I don't know what you just did. It made me think of biting lips. Like biting Nate's lip.

VO Kamren: Whoa, wait - we don't need to talk about--

Me: Aaaah. Yeah, I can see that.

You: Right? His precious, perfect lower lip. Just giving it a nibble.

Me: ...

You: ...Mols?

Me: ...Sorry. Having a Rob moment.

You: Right??

Me: *sigh*

VO Kamren: Okay, to bring this back on track--

Me: But no, I meant more like how the awful people that worm into your trust will just... take a bite out of you and your energy and your will. Out of your whole life.

You: I knew what you meant, sort of. It's Annabelle over there who took it the wrong way.

VO Kamren: Wait, what? I just... you guys are ALWAYS making weird euphamisms!

Audience: We hereby solemnly swear that You can bite our life any time you want.

You: Gross.

Me: ...*snicker*

You: What?

Me: ...Sorry.

VO Kamren: See?? It's... dirty somehow! I don't even know how, but it is!

Us: *exchange snerks*

Me: That's clearly because you've never had your life bitten properly.

You: If you've ever had a good life-biting done right, you will never be the same again.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

You: Aaaaaannnnnd... that just ruined it for me. Bite my life.

Me: ...*giggles*

VO Kamren: Mols... did you just... giggle?

Me: Sooooo tiiiiirrrrrrred.

VO Kamren: Please tell me that's our cue to wrap up.

You: I dunno. We didn't really clear up our trust issues. In fact, I think we might have exposed YOUR trust issues, since you seem to think everything we say is a euphamism somehow.

VO Kamren: Everything you guys say IS a euphamism somehow!

Audience: Which is why we keep showing up.

You: Rude.

Me: Fiddly rude. What are we talking about again?

You: Chicken and dumplings for lunch.

Me: Oh, yes, please! It is chicken and dumplings day, isn't it?

You: Absolutely.

Me: And can I stop by Starbucks for a venti Earl Grey tea latte while I'm out?

VO Kamren: Why is she asking you??

You: Because she trusts me, Rudey McRuderson. And yes, Mols. You absolutely can.

Me: Yeeeeesssssssssss.

VO Kamren: Weird.

Audience: Mols does Starbucks?

You: She only likes the one thing there, and they've been sporadically out of Earl Grey tea for the last several months.

Audience: ...Huh.

You: *narrows eyes* Why?

Audience: Nothing.

You: *narrows eyes further* Why??

Audience: Trust us.

You: Oh, no, you didn't.

Me: I like fruit.

You: That's nice, dear. Promise me you won't accept anything from the audience without clearing it with me first.

Me: 'Kay. Is it time to go home yet?

VO Kamren: Excellent question. This episode is starting to weird me out.

Me: I'm loopy, aren't I? Migraine hangover. Happens after the really long ones.

Audience: Heh, she said--

You: STOP THAT. She's not herself. Don't make her not trust you any more than she already doesn't trust you.

Audience: *shamefaced*

You: Kamren?

VO Kamren: Right. That's it for today, folks! We're clearly beyond hope as far as trust goes!

You: And for good reason!

Me: I want Rob to bite my life now.

VO Kamren: Fade out! Fade out!!

Me: *giggles*

-FADE OUT-


	8. Episode 8

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! How we doin, kids?

You: ...Did he just call us kids?

Me: ...Can we talk about time travel? I feel like we need to talk about time travel now.

You: Ugh, no.

Me: *pouts*

VO Kamren: Guys, I just meant... ya know. Lori was sick and then Mols had that migraine and got all loopy.

You: I'm not sick anymore.

Me: The migraine's letting up. My neck's still killing me and I have that kinda hangover feel, but I'll live.

Audience: We're fine, too. Thanks for asking.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Okay, so today's topic is... water fights!

You: ...Kamren?

VO Kamren: Yeah?

You: ...You do realize it's, like, frigid outside, right?

Me: Like "ninth circle of Hell" frigid?

VO Kamren: I'm not saying "Let's go outside and have a water fight right now". Sheesh. Just talk about it.

Audience: ...No demonstrations?

You: Gross! No! No wet t-shirts for you, sickos!

Me: Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that. Gross!

VO Kamren: Guys! Focus!

You: Ugh, fine. I'll admit: I used to have this awesome backpack rig where I could carry like two gallons of water on my back hosed up to the water gun in front. It was awesome. I was The Super Soaker.

Me: Jealous! We never had anything that cool that we didn't have to jury rig for ourselves. We mostly just did water balloons and the hose from the hydrant. Which sucked because you had to keep pumping the handle.

You: Old skool.

Me: *sigh* Nope. Just poor and country.

You: Yikes.

Audience: This conversation has a disturbing lack of wet clothing.

Me: And it's gonna stay that way.

Audience: Boooooooo.

You: So you... like... never had a water gun?

Me: Eh, we sometimes got those little water pistols as party favors or whatever, but nope. No water guns until Derek in college.

You: Ah. The ex-sorta-fiance.

Me: Oi, let's not get into that. Whole 'nother story there.

VO Kamren: *raises hand*

Me: NO.

You: ANYWAY, so he was big on water guns?

Me: Oh, yeah. Bought me my first supersoaker.

You: *snerk* It really was love, wasn't it?

Me: Okay, okay. We've done my emotional retardation to death. Movin on.

Audience: We're starting to have real questions about the existence of human emotion in you, psychic witch demon.

Me: I am perfectly fine with that.

Audience: ...Boo? Maybe?

VO Kamren: I feel like we're getting off the point.

Me: THANK YOU. Bring us back, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: I take it neither of you have gone on a full-on aquatic assault?

Me: What are we, Aquaman?

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Crickets: ...*chirp*...

Me: Never mind. That... actually kinda proved the point.

You: What point?

Me: No one likes Aquaman.

You: Are you nerding again?

Me: Am I ever not?

You: Ugh.

Audience: BORING. More wet clothing!

VO Kamren: Don't make me hose you down.

Audience: Woot! Wet t-shirt contest!!

Us: GROSS.

Me: ANYWAY, to answer your question, Kamren, yes, I actually HAVE gone on a full-on aquatic assault, but only with water balloons I'd magic markered to look like actual grenades. And... ahem....

You: ...And?

Me: *fidgets*

You: What did you do??

Me: Just... kinda... stuffed with a little bit of gravel before filling them with water? For shrapnel?

You: Mols!

Audience: That would probably hurt a lot.

VO Kamren: ...I probably shouldn't be surprised that you actually weaponized something as harmless as a water balloon, but... geez, Mols.

Me: You should see what we did to snowballs.

VO Kamren: ...I don't want to ask, but...

You: Don't do it.

VO Kamren: ...How can you mess up snowballs??

Me: SO glad you asked. You start with a walnut shell or a big chunk of gravel rock. Form the snowball around that, then dip it in a bucket of water, then let it sit with an arsenal of its compatriots overnight. Then, build a snow fort with the several buckets worth of wet snow you also let freeze solid overnight and a few pieces of rebar jabbed through them for stability, and let the Great Snow War begin.

You: Oh, my God. How do you still have both eyes?

Me: Sheer luck.

VO Kamren: Seriously! Those aren't snowballs. Those are projectiles!

Me: *shrug*

Audience: Note to selves: never ever get into a snowball fight with Mols.

You: I'm gonna stick with my backpack supersoaker, thanks. HARMLESS good fun. Geez.

Me: Boring.

VO Kamren: Okay, I think that's probably enough of that. We don't want to give anyone any ideas.

Audience: Is she a cyborg? That might explain a few things, actually.

Me: Yes! Let's talk about cyborgs!

You: Aren't they just fancy robots?

Me: Organic AND robotic! Best of both worlds!

You: No. HELLS no. Kamren?

VO Kamren: Right. That's it for today, folks. Join us next time for... I dunno... probably nuclear war, if Mols has anything to say about it.

Me: Zombie apocalypse? Anyone??

You: I give up.

Audience: We're gonna go watch wet t-shirt contests online.

VO Kamren: Aaaannnnnd that's officially it. We're out.

Me: You guys are no fun at all.

-FADE OUT-


	9. Episode 9

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

Me: 'Sup?

You: 'Sup?

Audience: Why won't you love us?

You: Ugh.

VO Kamren: Today's topic is "leaving your legacy".

You: *narrows eyes* Kamren, did you find out you only have two months to live?

VO Kamren: No! Why? Did... did YOU find out I only have two months to live??

Me: *narrows eyes* Then did you find out one of us only has two months to live?

VO Kamren: No! What... I just mean how you'll be remembered! Sheesh!

You: Oh. So not like a Last Will and Testament thing?

VO Kamren: No! Why are you guys so morbid?

Me: You're literally asking us to talk about our mortality, and you wonder why we're morbid.

VO Kamren: ...Shut up. Whatever. Legacies. Go.

Audience: This doesn't sound like a sexy conversation.

You: Gross.

Me: Yeah, we don't recommend necrophilia.

Audience: Gross! And this is US saying that!

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, you people are the worst! I just wanted a nice, heartwarming conversation about the good things people will remember about you long after you're gone, and we've already hit necrophilia!

You: There you go, living in a postcard again, wombat. What makes you think anyone will remember us fondly?

VO Kamren: Well, I will! Geez! Can't you at least PRETEND??

Me: I'm gonna skip right past the potential warm fuzzies of you missing us and ask what the heck brought this on.

VO Kamren: I dunno. I just thought that, with you two feeling kinda down from being sick and all, you might like to think about... ya know.

You: Being dead?

VO Kamren: You guys are the ones that went there! I was talking about happy memories, not dead people!

Me: I swear he does it on purpose.

VO Kamren: I didn't! Honestly, I don't do much on purpose.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...*snickers*

You: ...*tries not to crack up*

Audience: ...*checks life insurance policies online*

VO Kamren: ...What?

Me: ...*snickers again* Talk about a legacy.

You: Right?? "Here lies Kamren. He didn't do much on purpose."

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: You're the one that wanted to talk about legacies, and what better legacy than what's chiseled on your tombstone?

VO Kamren: Okay, fine! Then what do you want chiseled on YOUR tombstones, jerks!

You: Someone's touchy. Is it already that time of the month again?

VO Kamren: TOMBSTONES, DAMMIT.

Me: WELL.

VO Kamren: *fumes*

Me: Fine. Sheesh, calm down, crankypants. I imagine Lori's will say, "Here lies Lori. She had to pee. Like, a lot."

You: Rude.

Audience: But true.

You: You don't get a vote!

VO Kamren: What about Mols?

You: Who knows? Probably something like "Here lies Mols. She scienced herself to death while nerding."

Me: I can live with that.

You: ...*snicker*

Me: Heheh, I didn't mean to do that, but I'm fiddly gonna say I did.

You: *highfives*

Me: Honestly, it'd probably say something more along the lines of "Here lies Mols. She blew up, just like she always wanted."

You: You want to blow up?

Me: I sure as heck don't wanna have to crawl away.

You: ...Didn't think of it that way. Carry on.

VO Kamren: But that's more obituary territory than tombstone things.

Me: Oh, that's way better! What we want in our obituaries! We can get all wordy and in-depth that way. WAY better than a pithy epitaph.

You: Though we fiddly want pithy epitaphs.

Me: Well, yeah.

Audience: Can we write Lori's?

Us: NO.

Audience: Shucks.

Me: Speaking of Lori's, we gotta put Nate in there somewhere. You're swearing off Diet Coke--

Audience: *gasps* What sorcery is this??

Me: --but I'm pretty sure you'll never be over your Nate addiction.

You: Nor would I want to be. But I don't want it to sound creepystalkery.

Me: Have a little faith. I'd never make it all tacky. I mean, could you imagine? "Lori had a lifelong love of Nate's music, to the point that she always wanted to go down on him and earn the coveted title of Fun.-sucker."

You: *blushes* MOLS!

Audience: ...We really don't want to find that amusing.

Me: Buuuuuuuut...?

Audience: ...*titters*

Me: Heheheh. But seriously, I'd never put that in your obituary. It'd be more dignified. Your appreciation of his lyrics, his devotion to his parents and beliefs, his quirky OCD rituals, and, of course, his hair.

You: Whew.

VO Kamren: I don't think I can ever hear about someone sucking all the fun out of anything again.

Me: Score. *highfives Lori*

You: So what about you, Mols? What's in your obituary? How much you wanted to count all of Rob's freckles while he read you the Lord of the Rings trilogy?

VO Kamren: Hey! You stole that from me!

You: Deal with it, Annabelle.

Me: Thanks, but no. Probably something more along the lines of "Mols had an insatiable curiosity about the world around her and was always certain that her last words would be 'I wonder what this button does?'. She was not wrong."

You: But there's nothing about Rob in there!

Me: *shrug* Not like I'm ever gonna actually meet him. Seems a shame for my legacy to be about someone I was never destined to know.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: And now I'm sad. I'm back to hating this topic. Thanks a lot, Mr. I Don't Do Much On Purpose.

VO Kamren: I'm sorry! I thought it'd be... I dunno... less depressing!

Me: You were wrong.

You: Fiddly wrong.

Audience: We still love You.

You: ...Thanks? I think?

Me: Take it. Might as well bask in tangible, present affection, even if it wants to bone you filthy.

You: Huh.

Me: *shrug*

VO Kamren: Well, now that we're all depressed because Mols CANNOT STOP BEING A REALIST FOR ONE LOUSY EPISODE--

Me: Put it on my tombstone, dude.

VO Kamren: --I think we'll call it a day.

You: Mols, we really do need to talk about the lack of romance in your soul.

Me: Because I don't want Rob in my obituary??

You: Because you don't think it's possible that you'll ever meet him!

Me: Hey, anything's possible, but probable? That's a whole different kettle of fishstink.

You: Ugh! No romance AT ALL!

Me: *shrug* So put it on my tombstone.

You: At this point, your tombstone's gonna have to be a crypt just to fit on all the disclaimers!

Me: ...Heheh.

You: What?

Me: I'm strangely okay with that.

You: Impossible.

VO Kamren: So... done?

You: SO done.

Audience: Most bonerless episode ever.

Me: For good reason?

Audience: ...Okay. For good reason.

VO Kamren: Thank God. Let's go before it gets gross.

You: Agreed.

Me: Rest in peace, all!

You: You just haaaaad to do it.

Me: Heheheheh.

-FADE OUT-


	10. Episode 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost word-for-word an actual email conversation we had. Some of the lines are attributed to other characters, but this seriously all came out pretty much like this. Good times, good times.

VO Kamren: Hey. Welcome to The Show.

You: You, too?

Me: You two what?

VO Kamren: Still depressed after the last episode.

You: Exactly. *sigh*

Me: Depressed about what?

Audience: Right? We mean, we told her we loved her and everything.

Me: I know! What's there to be depressed about?

You: Crappy epitaphs and you never meeting Rob, which makes me think I'll never really meet Nate, either.

VO Kamren: And now all I can think about is my friends dying and me having no idea how to memorialize them.

Audience: ...Great. Now WE'RE depressed, too.

Me: My God, what a bunch of Negative Nellies.

You: What's got you in such a good mood?

Me: I'm not, really. Not an OVERLY good mood, anyway. Just... not as in-the-dumps as you buncha Eeyores.

VO Kamren: Rude.

You: Whatever. Life sucks, and then you die, and then Kamren puts something dumb on your tombstone.

Me: UGH. Don't bring me down, Bruce!

Audience: *sigh*

You: *sigh*

VO Kamren: *sigh*

Me: Good God. Okay, what we need is an impromptu lunch at our favorite place. George's food can put a smile on anyone's face.

You: *sigh* I'd need breakfast, lunch, AND dinner there to feel better right now.

VO Kamren: *perks up a little* George makes breakfast?

Me: *raises one eyebrow* Do you want George to make you breakfast?

You: ...*snickers* Like pancakes?

VO Kamren: ...Yeah? Pancakes would be nice, I guess?

Me: He's married with kids, dude.

VO Kamren: ...??

You: *snickers again* Okay, not depressed anymore.

VO Kamren: ...But... what... why...?

Audience: Unbelievable.

Us: Right??

Me: Kamren, pancakes for breakfast are the universal, unspoken shorthand for "last night's sex was good; let's do it again sometime."

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, how is that... no! Not with... I'm not... HE'S not...!!

You: Heheh, you broke him.

Me: Not for the first time.

You: Probably not the last, either.

Me: Sadly true. Kamren, we clearly need to educate you in the Etiquette of the Hook-up.

Audience: Someone sure needs to.

VO Kamren: Hey!

You: You just think we'll be talking about sex.

Audience: ...What, you think we're gonna argue?

You: Ugh.

Me: ANYWAY, what you make a hook-up for breakfast the morning after is kind of a code for how the sex was.

You: Right. Pancakes mean it was nice and you wouldn't be averse to a repeat sometime.

Me: A cup of coffee means "get out of my house before I remember exactly what kind of cretin I dragged home last night".

You: Ouch.

Me: Right?

Audience: ...We thought that meant "why don't you go get some donuts?"

You: ...They locked you out before you could come back, didn't they.

Audience: *cries a little*

VO Kamren: I don't think this is helping.

You: It's making me feel better, anyway.

Audience: *cries some more*

You: Anyway, something more fancy, like Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, means "you are a sex god/goddess; never, ever leave me".

VO Kamren: Um... I'm not sure I want to ask, but... what about something simple like bacon and eggs?

Me: That means "you'll need your strength".

VO Kamren: ...Why would I need my--

You: For the next go-round. Geez, man.

VO Kamren: *blushes*

Audience: ...Biscuits and gravy?

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...I don't... Lori?

You: ...I'm thinking.

Me: Yeah, not sure I know the etiquette there. Probably somewhere along with bacon and eggs. A "keep your strength up, tiger" kind of thing.

You: Eh, who knows.

VO Kamren: ...So... what about something like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...Kamren... tell me you didn't.

VO Kamren: Mom cuts them into shapes and everything.

-THUNDEROUS SILENCE-

...

...

...

-STILL THUNDEROUSLY SILENT-

...

...

...

VO Kamren: Guys?

You: KAMREN AWKWARD WOMBAT, TELL US YOU DID NOT HAVE A HOOK-UP _AT YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE_ AND ALLOW YOUR _MOTHER_ TO SERVE YOUR _HOOK-UP_ CUT-OUT PB &Js FOR _MORNING AFTER BREAKFAST!!_

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, no! I was just asking as a what-if! I was trying to plan ahead!!

Me: *falls over laughing*

Audience: *falls over laughing*

You: *tries not to fall over laughing with only partial success* I am trying so hard right now to NOT picture his mom cutting out little dinosaur shapes while standing at the counter in stilettos and kinky lingerie!

Me: *gasps for air* While his dad makes toast in a gimp suit!

Audience: *was already breathing heavily, but now for a different reason*

VO Kamren: ...I'm not sure what all those things are.

You: *gasps* I have to stop thinking about that. We gotta get this back on track.

Me: *gasps* Okay, okay. Bad thoughts out. Bad thoughts out. Whew.

Audience: *still breathing heavily*

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you all.

You: Okay. Whew. Ugh, I won't have to do sit-ups for a year.

Me: Right? Whew. Okay, Annabelle. You understand that PB&J is not appropriate morning-after etiquette, right?

VO Kamren: *kicks a rock* I do NOW.

You: God help us.

VO Kamren: So what you're saying is that, if I want to impress a hook-up, I should always have bacon and live chickens?

Me: Um... what are you planning on doing with the chickens??

Audience: We're into it.

VO Kamren: ...Collect eggs?

Audience: ...Boring.

You: Oh, my God. But no, you kinda have it backwards there, wombat.

Me: Exactly. What YOU make HER for breakfast says what YOU think about HER.

You: What you want is for HER to always have bacon and... well, not live chickens, but eggs.

Me: Right. Ready to make for you.

You: And hope she doesn't skip right to the coffee to kick you out so she can have bacon and eggs by herself.

Me: ...Heheh.

You: ...*snicker*

Audience: We can take those live chickens off your hands.

Us: GROSS.

VO Kamren: This is all way too complicated. I thought breakfast was just... breakfast.

Me: I've said it before and I'll say it again: everything is dicks.

You: It's like a universal constant. At some point, pretty much everything boils down to sex.

Me: Oh, and if she asks you to leave right after it's over because she has to get up early?

You: Yeah. Just... leave with grace, dude.

Me: Don't try to plead your case.

You: Because you were either just a quick bang and she likes to sleep alone in her big ol' bed, or....

Me: Or you were terrible. Just... unspeakably terrible.

VO Kamren: ...I'm never getting laid, am I?

Audience: ...Okay, you can keep the chickens.

Us: GROSS! Stop that!

Audience: Just tryin to help.

VO Kamren: Well, you guys may be in better moods, but I'm more depressed than ever.

Me: Sounds legit.

You: Yeah, I'm good with that.

VO Kamren: Ugh, let's just go. I'll try to think of something harmless and sweet, like puppies or something, for next time.

Me: Whatever. I'm suddenly hungry for bacon and eggs.

You: Having a Rob moment?

Me: Like you weren't having a Nate moment.

You: ...What, like I'm gonna argue?

Us: *happy sigh*

-FADE OUT-


	11. Episode 11

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Depressing Show!

You: Who's depressed? I'm not depressed. Mols?

Me: I'm good. A little stupid with lack of sleep, but good.

You: Uh-oh.

Me: Yeah. My verbal filter is sloppy today. Just ignore me.

VO Kamren: That's kinda the opposite of what the show's about.

Me: Whatever. Topic?

VO Kamren: Since it's finally nice out and only gonna get nicer today, let's talk about Spring.

You: Yes!

Me: ...Um... it's January.

You: Shoosh! Today, I can tell myself it's almost Spring, and I'm freaking ecstatic about it!

Audience: April showers mean we're naked in the shower, right?

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *sigh* Yeah, we know.

You: ANYWAY, I can't wait for Spring. I am sooooo tired of the cold. I want warmer temperatures. I want the sun. I want flip-flops. I want--

Me: The chaotic weather? The constant threat of a storm? The near-constant threat of torna--

You: DON'T EVEN SAY IT.

Me: Just sayin. This ain't exactly a great part of the world for Spring when you're pretty much afraid of weather.

You: Why do you ruin everything?? I just want it to be green and flowers and sunshine!

Me: Yeah, that's pretty much only Spring in fairytales and Disney movies. In the real world, it's chaos.

VO Kamren: And daffodils.

Me: ...Granted.

You: I want the sun!

Me: The sun doesn't want you. In fact, the sun is trying to kill you.

You: Oh, God, not again.

Me: Seriously! If not for Earth's electromagnetic field, we'd all be scorch marks on a barren, blasted chunk of space futz.

You: Why are you sciencing?? It's too early!!

Me: And even WITH that protection, we still get skin cancer at an alarmingly dangerous rate. And forget looking directly at it without protection. Fry your retinas, baby.

You: Ugh, just stop!

Me: The sun is trying to kill us every. Single. Day.

Audience: *trembles*

You: *steams*

VO Kamren: *twitches*

Me: *shrugs*

You: Hate you.

Me: Storms are cool, though.

You: HATE YOU.

Me: Oh, climb down. Not talking the devastating, rearrange-your-neighborhood storms. Even you have to admit that a gentle, quiet thunderstorm is awesome.

You: ...Hate you a little less than two seconds ago.

Audience: We would fiddly protect You.

You: ...Shaddup. Rude.

Audience: No creeper! We swear!

You: I don't want you knowing where I live.

Audience: Shucks.

VO Kamren: As usual, we're getting off the point.

Me: Right! Thunderstorms. LOVE THEM. The quiet hush of the rain, the low, thrumming rumble of thunder, the tingling feel of energy in the air, that glorious ozone smell on the cool breeze....

You: Okay, I do like a quiet storm. Once in a while. RARELY. I much prefer the sun, though.

Me: *wistful sigh* Oh, not me.

You: Yeah, yeah. You and your anti-sun agenda.

Me: Well, that and-- *stops abruptly*

You: ...Mols?

Me: Hm?

You: You were saying?

Me: Oh, nothing. You don't wanna talk about storms anymore. Let's move on.

You: *narrows eyes* No.

Me: Why not?

You: Because now you WANT to move on. What aren't you saying?

Me: ...*fidgets*... Nothin'. I toldja -- little loopy from lack of sleep. My filter slipped.

You: Moooolllllllssssssss....

Audience: Just say it already so we can talk about naked sunbathing.

You: GROSS. But seriously, Mols--

Me: It's nothing!

VO Kamren: Ugh, just spill it. It can't be worse than anything else we've talked about.

Me: *glares*

You: Mols Mols Mols Mols Mols Mols Mols--

Me: THUNDERSTORMS MAKE ME HORNY, ALRIGHT??

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: See? Wasn't anything worth saying, so just talk about flip-flops and barbeque or something, and leave me alone.

Audience: We are SO not done with this conversation.

You: I really hate to agree with the audience, but yeah. That merits some discussion.

VO Kamren: ...Again, it really can't be worse than everything else we've talked about.

Me: Kamren! You're supposed to be the voice of reason!

VO Kamren: Hey, I googled gimp suits last night. I'm not sure I can be shocked anymore.

You: And I'm pretty sure that's the first time you've ever openly admitted to anything like a normal human reaction to external stimuli.

Me: Oh, so NOW you wanna science??

You: You know what I mean! Have you ever admitted to ANYTHING making you horny before? Hell, you won't even admit it about Rob! It's always, "He's so witty and intelligent and talented and adorkable and the whole his-back-in-a-tight-shirt thing", not "He makes me need to change my underwear".

VO Kamren: Ooookay, didn't need to hear that part.

Audience: We so did.

Me: *blushes miserably* Can we not??

You: So what about storms makes you all hot and bothered?

VO Kamren: *sticks fingers in his ears*

Audience: *breathes heavily*

Me: Hey! Let's talk about Nate! And his hair or his lip or something. ANYTHING.

You: MOLS!

Me: I don't know, okay?? I don't know! I just know that they do! Maybe it's the charged atmosphere that causes lightning. Maybe it's the bassy rumble of thunder. I don't know, so there. We talked about it. Now can we not ever again??

You: ...Huh.

VO Kamren: *humming to self while still plugging ears*

Audience: We need to become Weather Lords and make it storm, like, all the time.

Me: Oh, God, just STOP!

You: Okay, okay. I'll take pity on you just this once. We can not talk about you getting all breathless and squirmy from a little atmospheric discharge.

Audience: Talk dirty to us, baby.

Me: Hate you. Hate you all.

You: We won't talk about how the rolling thunder makes your pulse throb.

Me: You're getting me back for the whole tornado mention earlier, aren't you?

You: You bet Rob's ass I am.

Me: Worst. Friend. Ever.

You: Oh, please. Admitting you have biological urges like anyone else is not a bad thing, Mols.

Me: *fumes*

VO Kamren: *hesitantly takes fingers out of ears* It got quiet. Are we done?

Me: I sure as hell am.

You: I have only just begun.

Audience: We could stand to hear a little more.

Me: *narrows eyes* I'll commend you on your Firefly reference when you aren't perving over my one freakin weakness.

You: Good God, it's not a weakness!

Me: Agree to disagree.

VO Kamren: Done? Please say yes?

Me: YES.

You: ...To be revisited. Done for now, though.

Audience: *opens mouth*

Me: Don't. Even.

Audience: ...Done. For now.

VO Kamren: Oh, thank goodness. So, until next time!

Me: Hate this show.

You: It has its moments.

-FADE OUT-


	12. Episode 12

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Show!

Me: That rhymes.

You: At least you're not talking about drool.

Me: ...?

You: Never mind.

Me: ...Oh! Saliva! Got it.

You: Still not quite in the right brain space?

Me: Snorkle.

VO Kamren: Please tell me we're not talking about Mols' libido again.

You: You don't even know what that word means.

VO Kamren: ...Yeah-huh.

Me: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BASEBALL.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: What?

You: You don't like baseball.

Me: No, but it's what you think about when you don't wanna think about sex.

VO Kamren: Wait, what?

You: I think it's more what you think about when you don't want to... ya know... FINISH too early.

Audience: That has never worked even once for us.

You: Shocking.

Audience: ...Sarcasm not appreciated.

Me: All we DO is sarcasm.

Audience: ...Rude.

VO Kamren: Seriously, what?

You: What what?

Me: I sooooo wanna do an internet thing right now.

You: Whatever it is, don't do the thing.

Me: *sigh* Fine. Fun.-sucker.

Us: *snicker*

Audience: *titters*

VO Kamren: But... what?

You: Seriously, what?

VO Kamren: Baseball and sex... I don't...?

You: Oh. Well, I dunno how many people really do this, but it's kind of a saying that if you're getting close to the, er, fireworks but you don't wanna... razzle-dazzle just yet--

Me: Nicely put.

You: --you think about baseball.

VO Kamren: How does that...?

Me: It's boring.

VO Kamren: Baseball's not boring!

You: Fiddly is.

Me: The idea is to think about, like, statistics. Batting averages, ERAs, that kind of thing. Takes your mind off of your fuse burning so low and you're good to go until a more mutual grand finale.

You: *snicker* That WAS a good analogy, wasn't it?

Me: *highfives you* Yes, it was, BGFF. Many kudos.

Audience: We suddenly want it to be the Fourth of July.

Us: SHOCKING.

VO Kamren: I... but I LIKE baseball.

You: No one's saying you can't.

Me: Although, seriously. SO boring.

You: Didn't you watch some of the last World Series?

Me: That was the Royals. Gotta back my KC teams. Represent!

You: Bored now.

VO Kamren: I just... now I'm... I'm a little afraid that I'll be... in the middle of... and this whole conversation will pop into my head... and....

Me: Your batting average will dip?

You: *snickers*

Audience: *titters*

Me: Your ERA will hit a lifetime low?

You: Hosnap.

VO Kamren: Stop that!

Me: You'll come up short on the steal?

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, STOP!

You: Heheheh. Foul tip?

Audience: Swing and a miss?

Me: Strike three, and that's the ballgame!

VO Kamren: YOU PEOPLE ARE THE WORST PEOPLE EVER!!

Us: *highfive*

Audience: *highfives selves*

VO Kamren: How can you even manage to ruin baseball? It's... it's... it's wholesome! It's America's sport!

Me: FOOTBALL is America's sport. Well, American football, anyway. Soccer's a different thing. It belongs to the world.

You: Nicely put. And baseball is only as wholesome as epic amounts of steroids can make it, wombat.

VO Kamren: How do you guys ALWAYS DO THIS?

Me: Talent.

You: Dedication.

Audience: Filthy minds.

You: Hey, now.

Audience: We meant us.

You: Oh. Play through.

Me: We should talk mini-golf next!

You: Pass.

Me: Bummer. So... we done?

You: Well, we managed to break Kamren a little, and the audience thinks we talked about sex while WE managed to do no such thing.

Me: We're seriously good at that.

You: Right??

Audience: ...Wait. You DIDN'T talk about sex?

Us: *shifty eyes* No, no. We fiddly did.

Audience: ...We're so confused.

Me: That's our cue to get out while the gettin's good.

You: Join us next time for... whatever the heck we talk about next time!

VO Kamren: But... BASEBALL. I just... HOW??

Us: Heheheh.

-FADE OUT-


	13. Episode 13

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

Me: Does it creep anyone out that this is Episode 13?

Audience: *raises hands*

You: No. What creeps me out is that I've apparently heard you two dorks talk about football enough that I'm, like, learning stuff.

VO Kamren: Really?

Me: How's that?

You: Ugh. I got a sports question right this weekend. The question was "Who plays for the Green Bay Packers?" and gave four options, and I recognized the name Aaron Rodgers.

Me: Nice! See? Knowledge really IS power.

You: You jerks have ruined me.

VO Kamren: I dunno why you're surprised. You guys ruin EVERYTHING.

You: Rude.

Me: I'm surprisingly okay with that.

Audience: So are we.

You: Whatever. Let's get to the episode. It's Monday and I really want a Diet Coke.

Me: Diet Coke is made with maggot excretions.

You: Still want one.

VO Kamren: ...Is... is that true?

Me: Might as well be. Diet Coke is disgusting. She's way better off with tea.

You: *mourns*

VO Kamren: Um... okay. Topic?

Me: Toe pick.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: *sigh* Yes. Topic. Geez.

VO Kamren: Today's topic is camping.

You: I hate you.

VO Kamren: *wibbles* I... but... what??

You: CAMPING IS OUTSIDE. THERE ARE BUGS OUTSIDE.

Me: And weather. Don't forget weather. And birds.

You: Hate you!

Me: Just tellin it like it is.

VO Kamren: But... camping is quality time spent with family or friends, enjoying nature and sitting around the campfire and sleeping in sleeping bags and... how does anyone not like camping??

You: BUGS. Spiders and scorpions in your tent. Snakes in your sleeping bag. Birds dive-bombing to get the moths floating around the campfire.

Me: Probably bats, too.

You: *high-pitched shriek*

Audience: We'll protect you!

You: *sprays pepper spray*

Audience: *high-pitched shriek*

Me: I'm getting a headache.

VO Kamren: Any higher-pitched, and only the bats will be able to hear them.

You: Stop talking about flying vermin!!

Me: Okay, okay. Geez. Kamren, I happen to like camping just fine.

VO Kamren: At least one of you does.

Me: I will say that we had a bit of a bug fiasco the last time I went, though. Way back in college.

You: See?? Bugs!!

Me: We set up the tents, then went down to the lake to see if it was too cold to swim -- Spring Break in March, so, yeah, it was waaaaay too cold -- then just kinda hiked around. When we got back to the campsite to settle in and make some campfire food, I went inside to get something out of my bag and the tent was just INFESTED with spiders.

You: Oh, my God, I'm gonna die just LISTENING to this story!!

Audience: We're not even scared of spiders, but that sounds like the start of a horror movie.

Me: Right?? I practically tore the tent down to get out fast enough. All three tents were literally crawling with spiders, so we drove to the nearest town and bought all the spider spray we could afford and basically just bombed the tents and tied them shut for about an hour, then opened them up and shook them out and left them to air out so we didn't die in our sleep from the fumes.

You: NEVER. GOING. CAMPING.

Me: Yeah, the other girl who was with us refused to sleep in her tent. She slept in Steve's car, instead.

You: Clearly, she was the smart one of the group.

Me: Rude.

VO Kamren: I think I'll have nightmares forever now.

Audience: *wibbles* Us, too.

Me: Honestly, the rest of the trip was great. We did the hiking and the enjoying nature -- except those bleeping SPIDERS -- and the telling spooky stories around a campfire thing, and it was lots of good fun.

VO Kamren: That's... better, then?

Me: Oh, except the other girl also came down with a really bad ear infection out of nowhere, and we ended up having to go back to campus a couple of days early.

VO Kamren: That's a shame.

You: A shame? Sounds like divine intervention to me.

Me: *eyeroll*

You: Look, I like the IDEA of camping well enough, but the reality is a spider-infested nightmare.

Audience: *whimpers* Stop!!

You: So no, Mr. Lives-in-a-Postcard, I will not be camping anytime soon.

Me: Your loss.

VO Kamren: Honestly... I'm kinda not wanting to camp ever again, either.

Me: Wuss.

Audience: *trembles*

Me: Too easy.

You: So are we done giving me nightmares forever now?

Me: I'm good.

VO Kamren: Yeah, I think this is a topic we can just, like, bury forever.

Me: And salt the ground, so it doesn't rise again.

You: *narrows eyes* Are you nerding?

Me: Probably.

You: Ugh.

VO Kamren: So... done?

Me: *shrug*

You: YES. Before she remembers that she and her college friends were chased by a hockey-mask-wearing freak with a chainsaw or something.

Me: Heheheh. That would've been nicely ironic.

VO Kamren: ...Why?

Me: Have you never watched a Friday the 13th mov-- _WAITAMINUTE_.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: For our 13th episode, we're talking about camping, which is what all the horny, brainless teens are usually doing in Friday the 13th movies that gets them macheted by Jason.

You: That's... kinda...

VO Kamren: ...I'm scared.

Audience: Never sleep again! Never sleep again!

Me: Wrong franchise.

Audience: Don't care. Too scared for a terror boner.

You: I keep waiting for the Twilight Zone music to kick in.

Me: Right? That was... just... too coincidental.

Floorboard: *creaks*

Audience: *screams like little girls* DID ANYONE HEAR THAT??

VO Kamren: Um... guys? Let's call it a day, yeah?

You: Screw that. Let's get the hell out of here!!

Me: Whatever you do, don't run upstairs. Or have sex. Or drink or do drugs.

Audience: Too scared to protest!

Me: What are you worried about? You're all virgins. You'll be fine. So will Annabelle.

VO Kamren: I'll protest when my life doesn't hang in the balance.

You: I'm leaving. Right now.

Me: Right behind you.

Audience: US FIRST!!

VO Kamren: Go go go go!!

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear that whole Friday the 13th reveal really was a coincidence. I was thinking WAITAMINUTE right before I wrote it. IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER.
> 
> Like the Bermuda Triangle.


	14. Episode 14

VO Kamren: Hello, and I'm so glad we're all alive after last episode!

Me: Overdramatic much?

You: Something was stalking us.

Me: What, a creaky floorboard?

Audience: No! Whatever made the floorboard creak!

Me: *eyeroll* Buncha pansies.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY. Since we're all still alive and never talking about camping again, today, let's talk about roadtrips.

You: I can work with that.

Me: And I can tell urban legends about murderers in the backseat or some creep tailgating with fake cop flashers to ruin it for everyone.

Audience: It's like a scientific formula for ridiculousness.

Me: We do have it down to a science.

You: Ugh! No sciencing! We're roadtripping, not nerding!

VO Kamren: Guys?

You: Right. Roadtripping. I used to LOVE roadtripping. Just hop in the car and go. Music, open highway, friends or no friends... glorious.

Me: I love driving long distances, especially by myself. Pop in a CD and belt along with it, put on the cruise control so you don't get stopped, and just GO, baby.

You: It's weirdly peaceful, ya know?

Me: Until there are other cars on the road. Because people are stupid.

You: Ugh, don't remind me.

Me: I hate when--

You: NO.

Me: *blinks*

Audience: We like it when she's authoritative.

You: We're talking about things we like about roadtripping, not things we hate about stupid drivers.

VO Kamren: Maybe we should do an entire episode about bad drivers...?

Me: Dude, that'd be a week's worth of entire episodes. At least.

You: NOT TALKING ABOUT BAD DRIVERS. We're not doing realism today, dammit.

Me: No fair! That's my thing!

You: Mols, so help me God, but if you don't play along and pretend like there is such a thing as a perfect roadtrip, I'll... I'll...

Me: ...?

Audience: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

You: ...I'll... find some way to get ahold of Rob and tell him you think gingers should still be tossed into bonfires to bring luck to the village!

Me: ...Not cool.

You: I will fight dirty for this one.

Me: Why are you so adamant that we imagine a perfect roadtrip??

You: Because my last one was awful and I don't want to remember them like that! I want a cooler full of Diet Coke and a backseat full of snacks! I want good music on the radio--

Me: *snorts* Said as if your music is--

You: --THAT I LIKE BECAUSE IT'S GOOD MUSIC.

Me: *closes mouth*

You: And I want to trade stories about quirky mom-and-pop hotels and surprisingly good greasy spoon food and picturesque little no-name towns.

Me: ...Doing the occasional ant crossing?

You: Yes! And a Chinese fire drill!

VO Kamren: ...Ant crossing?

Me: It's where you just kinda slam on the brakes for no good reason and shout "Ant crossing!" to scare the crap out of your passengers. It's especially effective if everyone's half asleep and still half drunk after a particularly epic bachelor party.

You: Good memories?

Me: The best.

You: And you were driving people home from a bachelor party because...?

Me: Uh, because I was AT the bachelor party, of course.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: College friends. I was fiddly just one of the guys. And no, there were no strippers.

You: So weird.

Me: *shrug* Not everyone wants strippers at their bachelor party.

You: No! I mean that you were... never mind. I just got a Facebook alert that Sonic has 50-cent corndogs all day today.

Me: You haven't been facebooking much lately. Are you two taking a break?

You: Shaddup. I've been busy.

Me: Sure. And what's with the corndogs?

You: It's Martin Luther King, Jr., Day.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: Apparently, nothing says "You go, MLKJ!" like cheap corndogs?

Me: ...I... wow.

You: Whatever. I want a corndog now.

VO Kamren: Honestly, I could go for one, too.

Audience: At 50 cents a pop? Hellsyeah.

Me: Hey, Lori. You thinkin what I'm thinkin?

You: Am I ever?

Me: Roadtrip?

You: *grins* Roadtrip!

Audience: Shotgun!

You: Ugh. You can't ALL call shotgun.

VO Kamren: And I don't think we can all fit. In anything. That's not, like, a charter bus.

Me: Whatever. They can do their weird flying-south-for-the-winter flocking formation however they want. We three can roadtrip to Sonic together and, by the way, FIDDLY SHOTGUN.

VO Kamren: Hey! I was gonna call shotgun!

You: You're driving, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: Hey! It wasn't even my idea!

Me: And?

You: Right, and?

VO Kamren: ...Fine. *grumbles* I oughtta charge you guys gas money.

Me: I'll buy you a corndog, wombat. Will that make up for it?

VO Kamren: ...Fine. So, done?

Me: Done!

You: Done!

Audience: Hungry!

VO Kamren: Close enough.

Me: We're outtie!

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny side note to this one: it turns out the 50-cent corndogs were actually for the NEXT day, which apparently was Best Friends Day. Thank God.


	15. Episode 15

VO Kamren: Hello, all! Welcome back to The Show!

You: *facebooks*

Me: *yawns*

Audience: *pervs*

VO Kamren: Where it's clearly "business as usual"! Today's topic is... love songs. Go!

You: *narrows eyes* Are you trying to say something, Annabelle?

Me: *narrows eyes* Because you're asking probably the two least romantic people in the world to talk about love songs.

VO Kamren: Um...

You: *narrows eyes futher* What's THAT supposed to mean, Mols? I'm romantic as hell.

Me: Oi, I just meant that you're a little sour on love at the moment. We all know I'm the romantically retarded one of the bunch.

You: ...Accepted. But seriously, Kamren. What the heck.

VO Kamren: I just... thought it might be nice to talk about something that's not love, but that's still love-related.

You: Your masseuse?

Me: Have you at least talked to her yet?

VO Kamren: She has a boyfriend. *sigh*

You: Aw, that's too bad.

Audience: I bet she rubs HIM the right way.

Me: No! Bad audience! *borrows Lori's pepper spray*

Audience: BURNS! BURNS!! OUR EYES!!

Me: No kicking when someone's already down! Sheesh.

VO Kamren: Thanks, guys.

You: We got your back, wombat.

Me: We get to tease you, but only because we care. And we're not mean about it.

You: Usually.

Me: And not when you're already upset.

VO Kamren: ...Thanks...?

You: So... what you're REALLY wanting us to talk about is SAD love songs, right?

VO Kamren: Yeah, I guess. *sigh*

Me: Ya know, there was this episode of Castle where--

You: Mols, don't nerd. He's having a bad day.

Me: Not nerding! Castle is like _Murder, She Wrote_ but with Nathan Fillion!

You: ...Accepted. _Murder, She Wrote_ rules.

Audience: We'd go gay for Nathan Fillion.

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: *wibbles*

Me: ANYWAY, as I was saying, Castle's daughter was having the vapors over some kid at school and trying to decide if she was in love, so Castle asked Beckett how to know if you're in love, to which Beckett replied, "All the songs make sense".

You: ...Whoa.

Me: Right?? PROFOUND.

VO Kamren: So... what kind of songs are we talking here?

You: For you right now? I'd say the pining love songs. Probably not so far as, like, Adele setting fire to the rain, though.

Me: I have a whole playlist of not-quite-happy love songs I've been stuck listening to lately.

You: Rob-pining?

Me: Shaddup. Nate-needer.

You: Ooo. Burn. *eyeroll*

Me: ANYWAY, I'd say our little wombat could probably stand to listen to "People Just Ain't No Good" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

VO Kamren: Sounds promising. *jots it down*

Me: Or if you still have a sense of humor about it, try Counting Crows' "Accidentally in Love".

You: Or if you're angry about it, just about anything off Alanis Morisette's _Jagged Little Pill_ album would do.

Me: You ain't kiddin.

VO Kamren: Um... not to the angry stage yet.

You: Give it time.

Me: Lori, are you projecting?

You: MEN ARE PIGS.

Audience: *trembles*

Me: Uh-oh. Kamren, maybe we can table this topic for when you're a little more chipper and she's a little less volatile.

VO Kamren: Did I do something...?

Me: No. Just... go listen to Sting and Rod Stewart for a while and get back in the game. Lori needs to man-hate for a while.

You: *brings up Adele playlist*

Me: Uh-oh. Everybody duck and cover. The bomb's a-comin down.

VO Kamren: Subject change?

Me: Excellent idea! So last night, on Twitter--

You: Don't wanna talk about Rob right now!

Me: This isn't about him! It's about Chris Evans and Chris Pratt.

You: Who? And who?

Me: ...Captain America and Star-Lord, respectively?

You: Are you nerding?

Me: ...Little bit?

You: Ugh. I guess anything is preferable to love songs right now.

Me: Great! So Evans says something to Pratt about their teams now being at war -- Evans is a Patriots fan, Pratt is a Seattle fan -- and how, for the next two weeks, they aren't friends. They're enemies.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: She's talking about the SuperBowl.

You: Wuh! Nerding AND footballing?? It's like your weird obsession worlds are colliding!

Me: Isn't it beautiful?? So anyway, Pratt says back, "You know there's only one Captain America, and that's Russell Wilson!"

VO Kamren: Hosnap!

Me: Right??

You: I don't get it.

Me: Evans plays Captain America.

You: Got that.

Me: Russell Wilson is the quarterback for Seattle.

You: Oooooooh. I get it. Still don't care, but I get it.

Me: So anyway, I tweet to the both of them, "Here it is, folks. The plot of _Captain America: Civil War_ , finally revealed!"

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

Me: Ugh! There have been jokes and rumors about how the Marvel Cinematic Universe version of the Civil War comics plotline will play out for MONTHS.

You: ...*facebooks*

VO Kamren: ...*shrugs*

Audience: ...*debates offering Lori a footrub*

You: I saw that.

Audience: Sorry.

Me: Ugh! Both Captain America and Star-Lord are in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's clever, dammit!

You: Honestly, I'm kinda ready to go back to love songs.

VO Kamren: So... uh... good job, Mols?

Me: *wibbles* Why won't someone nerd with me? Just once??

VO Kamren: I think that's all we have time for today. We only barely talked about the topic and didn't manage to resolve anything for any of us, so... good show, guys!

You: I feel like I got nerded on.

Me: Would you rather be nerded or lovesonged?

You: ...Jury's still out.

Audience: *opens mouth*

You: NOT TODAY.

Audience: *closes mouth*

VO Kamren: So... good?

You: Well, more like "done".

Me: *huffs, kicks a rock* Whatever. Pop-cultureless cretins.

-FADE OUT-


	16. Episode 16

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to the loveless wretches here at The Show!

Me: Dude. Harsh.

You: *whimpers*

Audience: We're so lonely.

VO Kamren: So, since we're all utter wrecks at being romantic or loving, let's talk about minigolf, instead!

Me: ...Better.

You: Meh.

Audience: We'll take it.

You: I guess minigolf is okay. I mean, it's outside, but I don't remember being plagued by bugs or divebombed by any birds the last time I went.

Me: Guess you didn't play a course with a stagnant water hazard, then.

You: ...?

Me: Remember the tire swing and its writhing mass of mosquito larvae?

You: ...Gross.

Me: Exactly.

VO Kamren: Mols, really.

Me: Sorry. I actually like minigolf. I'm kinda terrible at it, but I like it.

You: I don't understand how you can like doing so many things you're not good at. Bowling, minigolf, going to bed early--

Me: Rude.

You: I just mean... why subject yourself to constant disappointment?

Me: It's not constant disappointment. I know you don't like to do things you're not good at from the start, but I like the journey. Or, even if I don't get any better at something, I can still enjoy the process of it.

You: But how??

Me: I dunno. I think it's probably how I'm like anti-competitive when it comes to other people, but I'm pretty competitive when it comes to pushing myself. When I was growing up, my dad didn't see the point of playing a sport if you weren't trying to be the best on the team, and that kinda ruined it for me because I just wanted to goof around and hang out with my friends.

You: I guess.

Me: *shrug* So I just kinda refused to be competitive. I wasn't showy about it, I guess. Just... did my own thing, even though it stuck in his craw and he tried to force me into wanting to be better.

VO Kamren: That's... really sad.

Audience: Tea? Earl Grey? Hot?

Me: Heh, thanks for the Star Trek love, but no thanks. I'm not upset about it. It was a long time ago, and it did lead to me being able to appreciate things I'm not good at just for the joy of doing them.

VO Kamren: Like minigolf, to bring us back on track.

You: Right. I'll admit it; I get frustrated when I don't get par on at least some of the holes.

Me: Heh, it depends on the hole.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow!

You: Gross!

Me: Hey! I didn't mean it that way! I just meant that most minigolf courses deliberately have a few holes that are pretty much either hole-in-one or mulligan.

VO Kamren: ...Mulligan?

You: Where you've tried it so many times that you're gonna kill somebody if you don't just take a six-swing score and move on.

Me: Basically.

VO Kamren: Uh-huh.

Me: The one over on the west side of town has a pipe set-up that looks like a dragon where you're supposed to hit the ball just right to go up the tail, arch over the waterhole, and come out the dragon's mouth, where you're pretty much guaranteed a hole-in-one. If you miss the tail, you're screwed. If you don't hit it hard enough to get it over the hump, you're screwed. You just have to keep trying until you get it in the pipe.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

You: I never realized how much minigolf talk sounded dirty.

Me: Anything dealing with balls and holes is gonna be dirty by default.

You: Okay, yeah. Shoulda seen that coming.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow!

VO Kamren: Ugh, stop that!

You: ANYWAY, so if you can figure out stuff like that, how are you bad at minigolf?

Me: Eh, I'm usually trying to find the trick to the hole, rather than just hitting the ball and seeing what happens.

Audience: Bow chicka--

You: *peppersprays*

Audience: OW OW!

VO Kamren: Okay, that was funny.

Me: I try to never go first so I can watch what everyone else does to see what works and what doesn't. It's kinda hit or miss, so that's my score - hit or miss.

You: ...?

Me: I either get a hole in one because I caught what worked for someone else or I get a mulligan trying to figure out the trick.

You: Ah-hah. Only you could science your way into either perfection or utter failure. At the same time.

Me: More math than science. Trigonometry, really.

You: STOP THAT.

VO Kamren: We should all go minigolfing sometime.

Me: I'm in.

You: I don't wanna be out in the heat all day. Or if it's raining. Or too cold.

Me: In other words, if weather happens?

You: Shaddup.

VO Kamren: Well, it was a nice thought when I had it.

Me: Right?

You: So... done?

Me: I'm good. Wombat?

VO Kamren: I got no complaints.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: *still suffering*

VO Kamren: ...Huh. Don't think I've ever said that on this show before.

Me: I feel we've failed somehow.

You: I'm surprisingly okay with it. Maybe tomorrow?

Me: I can wait that long to ruin something, I guess.

Audience: Anybody got milk? That works on pepper spray, right?

Me: You're thinking tear gas.

Audience: IT'S MAKING US CRY.

Me: Still not the same thing. Suck it up, buttercup. Buttercups?

You: Doesn't have the same ring to it.

Me: I know, right?

VO Kamren: So what say we get out while the gettin's good?

Me: Agreed.

You: I gotta pee, so yeah.

Audience: *cries*

-FADE OUT-


	17. Episode 17

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is--

You: Recipes.

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

You: Okay, not recipes, exactly, but... like, weird stuff IN recipes.

Me: What, like escargot or beetle carcasses or the like?

You: Gross! No!

VO Kamren: Guys, I have a topic right he--

You: I mean, like, weird notations that whoever puts the recipe out thinks are common but... aren't.

Me: Gonna need an example here.

You: Okay. So I was looking up potato leek soup recipes the other day.

Me: Oh, man. I loooooove potato leek soup!

You: Right? And it was all in, like, millilitres instead of cups and teaspoons, and that was difficult enough, but then some of the wording was really different and I wasn't sure what some of it meant.

Me: Liiiiiiike...?

Audience: We want soup now.

VO Kamren: I really can't argue with that. But I'm not paying.

You: Like "one medium brown onion". The heck is a brown onion?

VO Kamren: Yellow onions are kinda brown when they're dirty.

You: I'ma slap you.

VO Kamren: Just trying to help. Or JTTH, if you like.

Me: ...I don't like. Why are you abbreviating?

You: But seriously! The heck is a brown onion? I know yellow onions, white onions, red onions...?

Me: Pearl onions, vidalia onions....

Audience: Minced onions....

Me: That's not a variety. That's a preparation.

Audience: ...Like Preparation H?

Me: *closes eyes and shakes head*

You: ANYWAY, then there's like litres of this and millilitres of that, and "cream" and "bacon rashers" and--

VO Kamren: Whoa whoa whoa. WWW, there, guys.

Me: Seriously, why are you abbreviating everything?

VO Kamren: The heck is a bacon rasher?

Audience: ...Is that what you get when--

You: I swear to God that if you use the words "bacon" and "with" and "masturbate" in any order....

Audience: ...*shifts like restless cattle*

VO Kamren: But seriously, what is a bacon rash?

Me: *headshakes* Newb.

You: Right?? And the instructions are things like, "I always whizz mine while it's still hot". The heck is that??

Me: I guess... put it in a blender and puree it? But who does that to potato leek soup? I LIKE the potatoes and leeks in lumps.

You: Exactly!

Me: I'm guessing it's a UK recipe, especially with the litres and the bacon rashers.

VO Kamren: I gotta know, guys. IGK.

Me: Oh, my God, STOP.

You: But that's my point - you're always saying I should cook more things without a crockpot or the microwave, but how am I supposed to cook when I don't even know what the ingredients are or how much to use??

Me: ...By guess and by gosh?

You: Grrr! No! There's a recipe for a reason!

Me: Honestly, I use a recipe as a guideline. I'll usually be pretty faithful to it the first time around--

Audience: We're pretty faithful all the time!

You: Gross.

Me: And clearly only when Kamren's mom isn't around.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Audience: ...*shamefaced*

Me: ANYWAY, after the first time I use a recipe and get a feel for what I do and don't like about it, I just kinda start throwin stuff in.

You: But how does that work? What if it messes everything up?

Me: That's pretty rare, actually. I guess you have to be a little more careful with baking, because a lot of confectionary-type stuff does need a pretty strict ratio to turn out right, but with regular cooking? Sometimes, you come up with something even better than the recipe.

You: Like what?

Me: Like the mac and cheese I gave you yesterday.

You: ...

Me: That wasn't from a recipe. I browned some minced onion and garlic in butter, then made a roux with that and flour and half-n-half, added my shredded cheese, then threw it all into the pasta with some bacon bits and a can of mushrooms and topped it with a sprinkle of seasoned breadcrumbs. Baked at tree-fiddy for twenty minutes. No recipe - just stuff I like. It was pretty good, right?

You: *drools a little* SO good.

Me: If you know what flavors you like, it's pretty unlikely that you'll end up hating the final product unless you oversalt it or burn it or something. You just have to trust yourself more.

VO Kamren: TYM, baby.

Me: Seriously, dude. WTF?

VO Kamren: Ooo! What's that one mean?

Me: *headtables repeatedly*

You: Mols! No! You'll give yourself a headache!

Me: He IS a headache!!

You: Looks like this conversation's becoming a SNAFU.

Me: You ain't kiddin. It's FUBAR.

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...We still think naked cooking should be cooking while naked.

You: STFU.

Me: *snickers*

VO Kamren: So... are we done? I don't even know at this point.

Me: I'm good. Lori?

You: I still dunno how I'm supposed to follow a recipe when it might as well be in another language, but I guess.

Audience: TTYL?

You: *peppersprays*

Audience: NOOOO! WHYYYYY??

VO Kamren: *huddles behind podium* Uh-oh. When she pulls out the pepper spray, it's time to GTFO.

Me: *snatches pepper spray and sprays Kamren* Stop with the abbreviations, Annabelle!

VO Kamren: *cries* WHYYYYYY?

Me: *hands it back* Good?

You: Good. Let's go while they're distracted.

Me: I could go for a good bacon rasher.

You: Right? Mmmm. Can't screw up bacon.

Me: Truth. Truth.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No idea why, but yes, Kamren was ALL ABOUT the acronyms this day. It went over about like this, actually.


	18. Episode 18

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone!

You: Meh. *facebooks*

Me: Whatever. *kicks a rock*

Audience: *huddles behind SWAT riot shields*

VO Kamren: That's... new?

You: If they think wall-to-wall shields will protect them from pepper spray, they don't know my BGFF here.

Me: You've only trapped yourselves. Mwahahah! I've rigged pepper spray grenades, bitches! Once I drop one of those behind your puny barricade, you'll have nowhere to run AND will be in an enclosed space where the spray will just hang in the air and BURN!!

Audience: *trembles* Lori, WHY??

You: You pushed my buttons.

Me: And I like creating destruction!!

VO Kamren: Um... okay... now that we're apparently weaponized...?

You: Topic. Let's do this.

Me: Please be mad science. Please be mad science. Please be mad science!

VO Kamren: Sorry, Mols. I did try to cater a little more toward your tastes this time, though.

You: Uh-oh. Annabelle, what'd you do?

VO Kamren: This'll be fun! The topic is "what superpower would you take if you could choose?".

Me: I LOVE THIS TOPIC.

You: Ugh. Do I have to?

VO Kamren: Even I'm gonna participate in this one. C'mon! It'll be fun!

You: Whatever. Mols? You have the floor.

Me: Nope. I'm going last. You first.

You: Nice. Real nice.

Me: *nudges*

You: *sigh* Okay. Um... hmmmm... invisibility.

Me: Nice! What would you use it for?

You: That's not part of the topic.

Me: *makes with the puppy eyes*

You: Fine. I'd be able to walk around anywhere and overhear anything without anyone knowing. I could, like, go into the office and rearrange everything. AND I could still be there to watch the confusion when people come in and are like, "What the hell??"

Me: Pranktastic. *highfives* That's why we're gonna be BGFFs, BGFF.

VO Kamren: JUST TELL ME, ALREADY!!

Me: Nope. It's your turn, wombat. What's your superpower of choice?

VO Kamren: Hmmmm. Super hearing, maybe. Or x-ray vision. That would be awesome!

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: *huddles*

You: ...So you basically want to be a creepyperv.

Me: A Peeping Tom.

You: A SUPER-POWERED STALKER.

VO Kamren: What? No! I just wanna be able to... hear things far away... or see through walls... or... ya know? Gonna stop talking now.

Me: Good plan, Chester.

You: Right??

VO Kamren: Whatever. Mols, what's yours?

Me: Nope. It's the audience's turn.

Audience: *blinks* We get a turn?

You: I don't think that's a good idea.

Me: We never give them a turn.

You: You realize they'll want their power to be, like, seeing everyone naked or stripping people from a distance or something equally pervy, right?

Me: Maybe they'll surprise us.

Audience: ...Um... no. Those sound like pretty cool powers. We'll take both.

Me: The ONE TIME I stand up for you.

Audience: *shrug* Sorry.

You: Whatever. So hit us with it, Mols. What's your superpower?

Me: I want to be able to control electricity.

You: ...So flick a light switch. That's not a superpower!

VO Kamren: *hides a laugh*

Me: If I could control electricity, I'd have just electrocuted you through the floor without even, like, pointing at you with lightning.

You: ...Okay, not as funny anymore.

Me: Right? It would be THE BEST POWER. I could levitate and even fly via reversing polarities. I could bring down an entire city grid just by pointing at a few transformers. Or I could send a tiny, almost imperceptible burst of static through the floor and up through a desk to "magically" short out someone's stupid phone and speakers.

You: AH-HAH.

VO Kamren: Uh-oh.

Audience: ...?

Me: *seethes*

You: K's still listening to Christmas music?

Me: CHRISTMAS IS OVER, DAMMIT. FOR A MONTH.

VO Kamren: Is she Hulking out? I'm afraid she's Hulking out.

Audience: *huddles behind SWAT shields*

Me: I'm not Hulking! I'm just soooooooo done today.

You: Probably a good thing you DON'T have power over electricity, huh?

Me: I'd have fried her a thousand times a day in a thousand little ways.

You: *pats Me* It's okay, Mols. Someday you'll have a really painful superpower, and I'm sure she's the first person you'll use it on.

Me: Grrrrrrrr.

VO Kamren: So, before she Hulks out, should we go?

You: Probably for the best.

Audience: ...You mean... we won't get peppersprayed today?

You: You didn't say anything disgustingly pervy, did you?

Audience: Wait, you were pepperspraying us for THAT??

You: What did you THINK I was pepperspraying you for??

Audience: ...Shits and giggles?

You: *brandishes pepper spray*

Audience: Yipe! *huddles*

You: Better. Mols? You okay?

Me: Sorry. Was trying to do the electricity thing.

VO Kamren: ...But you don't... actually have that ability... right?

Me: I'll never know if I don't keep trying.

You: *facepalm* Okay, that's it. I've nerded enough. I'm done.

VO Kamren: Probably best. Let's put this one in the can.

Audience: *still huddling*

Me: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.

You: What will be yours?

Me: The ability to call down the lightning and lay waste to all who would stand against me!! Mwahahahah!!

You: Ugh. The Nerd is strong with this one.

Me: *happy gasp* Lori! You nerded! And it was beautiful!

You: What? What'd I do?

Me: ...That wasn't a Star Wars paraphrase?

You: ...

Me: ...*sigh* Never mind. Yeah, I'm done.

VO Kamren: Whew.

You: Meh. *facebooks*

Me: Whatever. *kicks a rock*

-FADE OUT-


	19. Episode 19

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today, we'll be talking about--

You: What happened to the riot gear?

VO Kamren: ...Was talking.

You: This is more important.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Audience: *shuffles like restless cattle* Doesn't seem to make much difference. You guys have a munitions expert.

Me: *blinks* Hey, I'm not even IN this conversation yet. Whatever it is isn't MY fault.

You: You haven't been listening?

Me: ...Of course I have.

You: You hesitated. What gives?

Me: I'm just... thinking. That's all.

You: *narrows eyes* About what?

Me: Nothing! Geez! Go on with what we were doing!

You: That's just the point: WE weren't doing anything. I was asking the audience a thing and Kamren was blathering, but YOU were just, like, staring off into space until we started talking about you.

Me: FINE. Sheesh. I guess nothing's sacred.

You: It's US you're talking about.

VO Kamren: Just spill it so we can get back to the topic at hand.

Audience: Preferably with no pepper spray involved.

Me: *eyeroll* I just... had a weird dream last night.

You: That's it? Because I had a WONDERFUL dream last night!

Me: Nate?

You: You bet his perfect bottom lip it was Nate. He was just so sweet and so loving, and he told me he missed me every day until he met me, and he never wanted to miss me again.

Me: *appreciative nod* Nicely done, Dream Nate. Sounds like a song lyric.

You: Right?? *happy sigh*

Audience: ...*kicks a rock* We could write you song lyrics. If we, like, had any talent.

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: So... I'm kind of afraid to ask, but... what was yours about, Mols?

Me: Hard to explain, I guess. I was at ComicCon--

You: I'll just be facebooking over here. Go on.

VO Kamren: Rude! She listened to yours.

You: Mine wasn't 100% nerd.

Me: It's okay. It wasn't, like, exciting or anything. Just weird.

VO Kamren: So tell it.

Me: Weren't you about to announce the topic?

VO Kamren: *shrug* Weird dreams is fine to talk about. I think.

You: Ugh. TimeHop is the worst app ever. *fiddles with phone*

Me: Weird dreams, it is. Okay, so I was at ComicCon for the first time ever, and I'm just wandering around, taking in the sights and stopping at booths and debating which panels to sit in on, and I start noticing something weird.

You: *snorts* All the costumed freaks?

VO Kamren: Rob's not there?

Audience: The lack of audience members in riot gear?

Me: First off, cosplay was EVERYWHERE, so it's more like the non-costumed folk were the freaks. Second, I'll admit I was kinda looking for Rob, but I already had tickets for the Warcraft panel, so I knew I'd at least get to listen to him there.

You: Whatever.

VO Kamren: So what was weird, then?

Me: Well, I thought they were Men in Black cosplayers at first because... ya know... black suit, white shirt, black tie, sunglasses. Or maybe Matrix cosplayers - Agent Smith, or whatever.

VO Kamren: Sounds legit.

Me: But they didn't have earpieces.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: *yawns*

Me: The agents in the Matrix were kind of a nudge at the Secret Service or other secret organizations. They had the iconic earpieces, always wired to the Matrix so they could jump in and out of bodies. Men in Black went a little more techy, so they didn't have obvious earpieces, but still. There was just something... off. Their faces were... too smooth. Too perfect, ya know? And they moved too... like I said. Hard to explain.

VO Kamren: Okay, this dream is starting to weird me out a little. That's... creepy.

You: So what happened?

Me: Thought you were facebooking?

You: ...I am.

Me: *eyeroll* So I figured it was just a cosplay I didn't know the source of, so I started following one.

You: Which you would totally do in real life.

Me: Right? I tried not to be obvious about it, but I focused on just the one guy and followed him wherever he went, and the more I followed, the weirder his every... move, every gesture, every look at the crowd, every... EVERYTHING became.

Audience: *hovers on the edge of their seats*

VO Kamren: *leans over podium*

You: *holds phone a little tighter*

Me: So, even though I'm really weirded out by this time, I follow him when he turns down a hallway of the building that, shockingly, isn't being used for the con, and there's, like, a maintenance guy standing there with headphones on, kinda swaying a little while he's checking fuses or something. And this suit guy strides over to him and just... kinda... stands behind him.

VO Kamren: Uh-oh.

Me: Yeah. After a second, a... tentacle of some sort... kinda wavers up from under his tie and launches itself across the space between them and latches onto the back of the maintenance guy's neck.

Audience: *huddles together*

VO Kamren: *hugs the podium*

You: Gross!

Me: And the maintentance guy kinda gives a shout and jerks back, but it's already too late. The tentacle guy is, like, FEEDING ON HIS CEREBROSPINAL FLUID, and I can't stop myself. I holler and run forward and snatch one of those big monkey wrenches off the guy's toolbelt. The tentacle guy sees me, but he's, like, twitching and feeding and can't stop me, so I swing that big ol' heavy wrench up and uppercut him right across the face with it, and... the face just comes right off.

Audience: *shrieks like little girls*

VO Kamren: This isn't a weird dream! It's a nightmare! And now I'M gonna have it!!

You: I don't wanna hear anymore!

Me: With the face-part ripped off, the whole mansuit starts to fall apart, and there's just this weird, gelatinous, writhing mass of tentacles standing there in a vague man-shape, so I swing the wrench again and knock it far enough back that it has to let go of the maintenance guy, who screams and runs off toward the crowd with blood and pus running down the back of his neck, and--

VO Kamren: Seriously, stop! I don't wanna hear anymore!

You: Mols, good grief! Is this a dream you have, like all the time??

Audience: *still shrieking but silently, too scared for volume*

Me: Not that one, specifically.

VO Kamren: But you have dreams like that? All the time?

Me: ...I have a very rich and vivid dreamscape.

VO Kamren: How are you not constantly running around with the screaming meemies??

You: I would never sleep again if I was having that kind of dream.

Audience: Never sleep again! Never sleep again!

Me: *eyeroll* Wusses. It's fine. Don't you guys have weird dreams?

You: Not like that! Geez! I mean, I have weird dreams about mirrors and windows being, like, other sides of reality sometimes, but not SHRIEKING NIGHTMARES. Good God, Mols!

VO Kamren: The closest thing I've had to a dream that weird was when I dreamed I was, like, in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre as it was happening with a friend of mine. That was bad enough, but when I woke up the next day, I texted her and told her about the dream, and she was like, "That's so weird! I just watched that last night!"

Me: Nice! Cue Twilight Zone music.

Twilight Zone Music: *plays*

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*trembles*

Me: ...Huh. Who knew that would work?

You: But seriously, Mols. Do you always dream like that?

Me: *shrug* Most of the time. If I sleep deeply enough to dream, yeah. Detailed, vivid--

Audience: DARK AS THE DEMONS IN YOUR SOUL.

Me: ...Rude.

You: But true?

Me: They're not always dark dreams!

VO Kamren: Good, because you shouldn't only have horror movies in your head.

You: I'll never say this again, but Kamren's right. Don't you ever, like, dream about Rob?

Me: *blushes*

You: That's a yes.

Me: Mind out of the gutter! They're usually about, like, conversations. Or just hanging around playing video games or watching movies or the like.

You: *narrows eyes* Usually?

Me: *blushes harder* I'm human! And infatuated! Leave me alone!

You: Actually, that makes me feel better. THAT's normal, at least.

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: Iiiiiii think that's more than enough for the day. Let's... yeah, let's just go.

You: Before the people-suited aliens show up to tentacle-suck out our souls.

Audience: We're scared.

Me: *eyeroll* Geez, people. I stopped a tentacle beast with a freaking monkey wrench. YOU ARE AN ENTIRE AUDIENCE OF PEOPLE, and you have riot gear. You'll be fine.

Audience: ...Still scared.

Me: *gives up*

You: Ugh. We're out.

VO Kamren: Fiddly out.

Me: Whatever. I didn't wanna talk about it anyway.

Audience: *huddles forever*

-FADE OUT-


	20. Episode 20

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: He's always so excited.

Me: Right? It's like his shattered psyche regenerates after every episode.

You: Though, admittedly, we haven't really been trying to break him lately.

Me: *shrug* I'm trying to be nicer.

You: ...

Me: I'm sometimes less successful than other times.

You: Riiiiiiiiiight.

Audience: So she turns her unearthly wrath upon us, instead.

Me: *eyeroll* All I did was threaten you a little with pepper spray grenades. I didn't even throw one!

Audience: *trembles* And told us that awful dream. We had nightmares.

VO Kamren: *hesitantly raises hand* I kinda did, too.

Me: *shrug* Sorry?

You: Buncha whackjobs. Let's get with the topic already. I'm running out of Diet Coke.

Me: I thought you quit!

You: Can't quit smoking AND quit Diet Coke at the same time. You can't make me. It's not fair.

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: ANYWAY.

You: Yeah, yeah. Don't blow a gasket, wombat.

Me: So impatient!

VO Kamren: Whatever. So since Mols tortured us with bad dreams last time, THIS time, why don't we talk about GOOD dreams?

Audience: Yes, please. *wibbles*

Me: I'm game.

You: I'm not.

Me: Why not?

You: I don't really HAVE good dreams. Or if I do, I don't remember them.

Me: How do you not remember the good stuff?

You: Well, I mean, I remember the Nate dream. Not forgetting that one any time soon. *fond grin*

Audience: *huffs* Rude.

Me: *eyeroll* But that can't be the only one.

You: I told you. I either have dreams that are weird in an unsettling way, or I don't remember them at all.

Me: Hm. I guess studies do show that most people don't remember their dreams for very long after waking, but that seems so strange to me.

You: Because you don't have dreams. You have psychological horrors.

Me: Nuh-uh! I have just as many good dreams as bad ones.

You: You don't think the dream you told us about last time was a nightmare. I don't think you're the most objective person to judge the tone of your other dreams.

VO Kamren: She... kinda has a point. That was fiddly a nightmare, but you were all "Meh, spine-sucking tentacle monsters, whatever."

Me: *eyeroll*

You: But I AM kinda curious now. What do you consider a good dream?

Me: *thinks a second* One time I dreamed Rob brought me a broken arrow and a bottle of rain.

You: ...That's... random?

VO Kamren: I don't think I get it.

Audience: So you stabbed him with the arrow and bashed him over the head with the bottle?

Me: Geez! No!

You: Please. If it had been anyone BUT Rob, you'd have fiddly done that.

Me: ...Granted. But no, it's from an old Rod Stewart song. It was... symbolic, sort of.

You: *eyeroll* Next.

Audience: Should we be taking notes?

VO Kamren: Why? You planning on bringing her a broken arrow and a bottle of rain? I thought you didn't like her like that.

Audience: Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer.

Me: Sitting RIGHT HERE, guys.

Audience: *starts taking notes*

You: Good grief. Gimme something that's ACTUALLY a good dream, without it being all contextual or symbolic.

Me: Hmmmm. I dunno. I have a lot of contextual and symbolic dreams. I'm trying to think of any that were just inarguably good without needing any kind of reference to MAKE them good.

You: This could take a while.

Me: RUDE.

You: So while she's thinking, how about you, Annabelle? What are your good dreams? Smiling, red-headed jailbait cutting out PB&J sandwiches for you?

VO Kamren: *blushes* No! Geez!

You: Well?

VO Kamren: I dunno, really. I don't remember much about my dreams, either.

Me: Ugh. You two are so NORMAL.

You: Said as if that's a bad thing.

Me: It kind of is, here. I mean, I have, like, movies in my head at night. I don't remember every single dream ever, but I do remember a lot of them, and they're AWESOME. Even the occasional bad one--

You: Occasional?

Audience: Right??

Me: --is at least memorable because it had awesome elements to it.

You: And yet you can't think of a single simply happy dream.

Me: Well, maybe I forget the simply happy ones. Maybe I only remember the complex ones because they're more interesting. Who knows?

VO Kamren: I don't think "interesting" is the term you're looking for.

Me: You oughtta do a little hand wave gesture when you say something like that.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: *sigh* Never mind. You're no Jedi, Annabelle.

You: Nerd?

Me: Yeah. Sorry.

You: Whatever. You have insane movie dreams, and we're the blessedly normal types that don't remember ours.

Audience: Sounds legit.

Me: *narrows eyes* Didn't ask you.

Audience: Apologies, Chaos Demon. Would a cup of tea appease you?

Me: *facepalms repeatedly*

VO Kamren: So, are we done?

You: I'm good.

Me: I'm really disappointed that you guys don't have dreams to talk about. I mean, remembering my dreams and being able to talk about them makes me happy, which is what makes them good dreams.

You: Go have a dream about, I dunno, eating a whole cake without gaining any weight or something. Then, we'll talk.

Me: Ew.

You: Why ew?

Me: I'm not real big on cake.

You: Oh, my God, who doesn't like cake?? This is why your dreams are nightmares!!

Me: Rude. I don't HATE cake. Just... don't crave it.

VO Kamren: Okay, then! So, until next time, folks!

You: Seriously. Not one just plain happy dream.

Me: My brain is a crack monkey! What do you want from me?

You: Geez.

-FADE OUT-


	21. Episode 21

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Where only one of has any dreams and those are all nightmares!

You: Someone's in a grim mood.

Me: Right? Sounds like something out of Tales from the Dark Side.

VO Kamren: Just sayin. We're a buncha weirdos on opposite ends of the spectrum.

You: ...True enough.

Me: Yeah, can't argue.

Audience: We would, but we've never won anything here, so it'd be pointless.

Me: They CAN be taught!

Audience: *grumbles*

VO Kamren: So, since we're all a bunch of hopeless wretches, today, let's talk about what we'd do if we won the lottery.

You: *nods* Nicely done, Annabelle.

Me: Let's do this.

Audience: We'd buy Lori. And Kamren's mom.

You: GROSS!

Me: Human trafficking would probably just bring you to the attention of certain government agencies that would then freeze all your new assets until they could find a way to just plain take them.

Audience: ...Ya know? They're right. You really are a party pooper.

Me: *shrug* Doin what I do.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, no one asked you, audience.

Audience: Rude.

You: Well, I know the first thing I'd do when that money hit. I'd go to Sonic and buy everyone I know a Route 44, then hand-deliver them.

Me: Nice! Very generous of you.

You: Then, I'd figure out who bought the plot of land my grandma's house used to sit on and buy it from them.

Me: Sentimental. *nods* I can dig that.

You: And we'd fiddly hit George's restaurant for some cashew chicken.

Me: Or any of the other mouthwatering ambrosia on the menu or on special that day.

You: Yeah, you do that. I'ma have cashew chicken.

Me: Oi.

Audience: *takes notes*

You: IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

Audience: Let us have our hope, okay?

You: And then... I'd... hmm....

Me: Score some Fun. tickets?

You: Oh! Oh, I'd buy the house next to Nate's!

Me: *facepalm* What about your grandma's land?

You: What, I can't have two houses?

Me: Oi. So, what about you, wombat? What would you do with the first drop of that sweet, sweet money reservoir?

VO Kamren: Ten percent to my church, then pay off my parents' house.

You: Awwwwww. Annabelle, you're such a goody two-shoes.

VO Kamren: ...Thanks?

Me: She means "responsible and generous".

You: I said what I meant.

Me: I was trying to help.

You: Whatever. What else ya got, wombat? What would you do for yourself?

VO Kamren: I dunno. Build a house of my own, probably. Look into buying a sports team. Wife and kids. That kind of thing.

Me: I feel we've already established that buying people is a bad business plan.

VO Kamren: What? No! Not BUYING a wife and kids! Geez! Just... meeting someone and... UGH.

You: Heheh. He's such a wombat when he's flustered.

Me: Right? Makes you wanna scruff his hair.

Audience: Makes us wanna point and laugh.

Us: Rude.

Audience: *shrug* Doin what we do.

Me: Hey, that's my line!

You: And it's your turn. Hit us with your weird sci fi plot to take over the world, woman.

Me: Cute. Well, I always said the first million would go to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: What?

You: You don't even like kids.

Me: Doesn't mean I don't think they should get a last request.

Audience: ...DAMMIT. You're supposed to be evil, demon woman!

Me: Gotta keep you on your toes.

You: Alright, alright. After sending dying children to Disneyland...?

Me: Season tickets to the Chiefs.

VO Kamren: Oh! Can I add that??

Me: Sure. Next would be an all-access pass to ComicCon.

You: Boring.

Me: Not even! That would be THE BEST time! And when I got back, we'd be going to George's for awesome food, like, all the time. My treat.

You: Okay, that I like.

Audience: Us, too?

Me: ...Maybe. Once or twice.

Audience: Awwwww!

VO Kamren: I could swear you said something about opening a yarn/used book store and hiring all of us at, like, stupidly high wages to sit around and read and watch movies and chitchat all day?

Me: Yeah, but that wouldn't be immediate. I'd want to travel a bit, pick some land and build a house and plant gardens, enjoy being gleefully unemployed for a while. THEN, I'd jump back into responsibilities and a schedule.

You: I can dig that.

VO Kamren: I guess.

Audience: ...Would you guys still do The Show?

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...Huh. I wonder if we could, like, buy our way out of our contracts.

You: ...Is... is that a thing we could do?

Me: Didn't any of us actually READ the contract?

You: I thought YOU did!

Me: I thought Kamren did!

VO Kamren: I saw the part about "until the end of time" underlined and bolded and figured that sufficed.

Me: GIMME A COPY OF THAT CONTRACT RIGHT NOW, ANNABELLE.

You: I gotta hit a gas station. I need to buy a ticket, like, yesterday.

VO Kamren: I don't have a copy. The execs have it in the Main Office.

Me: GAH! How did you not keep a copy?? You're the... the... the Everything Else Guy!

VO Kamren: Why did YOU sign a contract you didn't read??

Me: YOU TOLD US TO!

You: Yeah!

VO Kamren: *facepalm*

Me: Okay, so next episode is us coming up with a ludicrously intricate plan to break into the execs' offices and steal a copy of our contract. We're gonna need a diversion, so someone bring smokebombs.

You: Uuuuuuuggggggghhhhhh.

VO Kamren: Or I could just call and see if they'll fax us a copy.

Me: Boring. We'll also need theme music. Something with a driving beat for the chase scenes, something a little quieter for the contemplative bit in the middle where we debate the morality of our cause, and something with a dramatic crescendo for when we hack into the computer and the contract pops up on the screen.

You: MAKE HER STOP.

VO Kamren: What, like I can command the tide?

Me: Don't tempt me with Aquaman jokes, Kamren. I have more important things to work out. *starts jotting things down*

You: Should we just... let her do her thing while you make the call?

VO Kamren: Yeah, I think so. She seems... happy?

Audience: She's... like... GLOWING.

You: Right? It's like planning a movie heist is her sex.

Me: *still plotting busily* --flashbang grenades... bottle rockets-- *scribble scribble*

VO Kamren: So... weird... I'll just go make that phone call.

You: I'm out of here. If you guys figure something out, text me.

Audience: ...We kinda wanna stay and watch.

Me: *blissfully ignorant of anything but The Plan* --toaster strudel... beige pantyhose--

You: Whatever. Gross. I'm gone.

VO Kamren: Right behind you.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

Me: *gleefully oblivious* --seeing-eye dog... tacos... leather chaps....

-FADE OUT-


	22. Episode 22

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The--

Me: I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING, FOR THE RECORD.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...*whispers* She's scary when she uses her Big Voice.

VO Kamren: What the heck, Mols?

Me: I'd like it recorded that being the only person who showed up for The Big Heist on the execs' offices and having to sneak in WITHOUT a distraction, without smokebombs, without any back-up whatsoever, AND, more grievous still, WITHOUT THEME MUSIC... sucks donkeyballs.

You: Wait, you were SERIOUS??

Me: What part of a fifteen-text time-indexed multi-step plan sent to BOTH OF YOUR PHONES made you think I was kidding??

VO Kamren: ...I thought you were being... ya know... _you_.

Me: I WAS.

You: Wait, so... did you go in anyway?

Me: I did.

You: ...How?

Me: I improvised.

VO Kamren: I gotta hear this.

Audience: We need popcorn.

Me: So when nobody else freakin showed up, I tossed the plan completely and went up the fire escape outside.

You: Ugh. Too much work already.

Me: Right?? And since Kamren was supposed to tell us which floor the execs were on after he downloaded the building's blueprints, I had to just peer in windows until I found a meeting in progress. Then, I had to wait for it to be over. There were pigeons.

You: Forget that. I'm already out.

VO Kamren: Why were there pigeons?

Me: Got bored. Opened a snackbag of Fritos.

Audience: Screw popcorn. We want Fritos.

You: Why did you have Fritos?

Me: Because Step 7 of the original plan was a snack break.

VO Kamren: *nods* Nicely done.

Me: SOMEONE had to think of everything. Anyway, when the meeting finally broke up, I climbed in the window--

You: Why didn't you just use the fire exit door?

Me: Didn't want to risk an alarm going off.

VO Kamren: *raises hand* Um, the alarm hasn't worked for like a year and a half.

Me: ...Why didn't anyone tell me that??

VO Kamren: Sorry. I thought you knew. It was in a company email.

Me: *headtables repeatedly*

You: Mols, no! Headache!

Me: TOO LATE.

Audience: ...Tea?

Me: I WILL HURT YOU.

Audience: *yipes*

You: Anyway, so you crawled through a window... needlessly....

Me: UGH. So I crawled through the window and tiptoed over to the wall of filing cabinets, then realized I had _no idea_ what they'd have filed our contract under. Gabby Girls Contract? Schmexy Contract? The Show Contract? HELL ON EARTH CONTRACT??

VO Kamren: Oh, we each have a contract filed under our last names.

Me: *twitches*

You: *headshakes*

Audience: She's gonna blow!

Me: AS I DISCOVERED WHEN I WENT DIGGING IN EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED FORTY-FOUR SEPARATE DRAWERS.

VO Kamren: ...Oh. Good for you?

Me: *starts to leap from chair*

Audience: *shrieks like little girls*

You: *grabs Me* Whoa whoa whoa, so did you get the contracts or what?

Me: *slams them down on the table, a little worse for wear*

You: ...What's that smell?

Me: That's my escape route. Since I took so much time finding them, thanks to THE ONE GUY WHO KNEW WHERE THEY WERE NOT BEING THERE, I almost got caught and had to do the "fuck it and run" method of extraction for myself.

You: ...?

Me: I ran back out onto the fire escape -- and now that I think of it, no, the alarm _didn't_ go off when I slammed through the door -- and jumped off into a dumpster.

VO Kamren: ...Mols? The execs' offices are on the twentieth floor.

Me: Yeah. I know. I counted all the way down.

You: Oh. My. God.

Audience: ...We smell kung pao chicken.

Me: That would be Lori's contract. Kamren's smells like mu shu pork, and mine is sweet and pungeant shrimp.

You: Oh, Mols.

Me: The best part? I glanced over the contracts when I got out of the scalding-hot shower I took in an attempt to rid myself of week-old Chinese food stink, and guess what.

You: Don't tell me.

Me: We can't buy our way out of the contract.

VO Kamren: That can't be right. Lemme see.

Me: *shoves his contract in his mouth*

VO Kamren: *spits it out* Tastes like chicken.

Me: WELL IT ISN'T.

VO Kamren: *scans the page* Contract is null and void upon death--

Me: *opens mouth*

You: Don't even. I'm not dying for this stupid show.

Me: *closes mouth*

VO Kamren: Contract cannot be sold or transferred... something about the heat death of the universe... three there must be, always the three--

You: Wait, what was that last part?

VO Kamren: *reads verbatim* "Three there must be, always the three. Neither shall two nor four there be. Or, lo, the end of all things shall be. Thus saith the Prophecy."

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...HOLY CRAPOLA.

VO Kamren: What?

Me: That's not a contract! It's a freaking PROPHECY! We're freaking "Cabin in the Woods", here!

You: Are you speaking nerd again?

Me: ABSOLUTELY. *snatches contract back and reads quickly* According to this, this stupid show is the only thing stopping a group called the Shadowclave from stepping through the door between worlds, and thus must continue until the end of time. If three people -- EXACTLY three people -- aren't sitting in this precise location, under contract, performing as the Execs set forth for each generation, the door opens and the Shadowclave come through and destroy all life they encounter. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??

You: We work for a buncha delusional psychos?

VO Kamren: We're never, ever getting paid to do this?

Audience: We still want some Fritos?

Me: NO! We're part of an ancient organization tasked with preventing the end of the world!

You: So... not getting out of this show anytime soon?

Me: MISSING THE POINT.

VO Kamren: Naw. That's pretty much what I got out of it.

Audience: Sounds legit.

You: So that's it for the day, right?

Me: GUYS! Why aren't you more excited about this? We're, like, saviors of all life on Earth!

You: Boring.

VO Kamren: I'd be more excited if it paid better. Or, ya know, at all.

Audience: We'd be more excited if everyone was naked.

Me: UGH. Never mind. You guys SUCK **_SO BAD_**.

You: Blah blah blah nerd nerd nerd. I got it.

Me: Whatever. Let's just go. We saved the world for today. Woo-freakin-hoo.

VO Kamren: So... same time tomorrow?

You: If I must.

Me: *crosses arms and huffs* Starting to wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to meet the Shadowclave.

Audience: Seriously, though. We want some Fritos. Do you have any left over?

VO Kamren: Yeah, that's our cue.

You: Peace out, yo?

Me: Whatever. Heists aren't as fun when they're by yourself. And no one films you jumping off the twentieth floor into a dumpster.

You: Without dramatic theme music.

Me: DON'T REMIND ME!!

VO Kamren: Tomorrow, folks! We're out!

-FADE OUT-


	23. Episode 23

VO Kamren: Hello and welcome to The Inexplicable Show!

You: *yawn*

Me: Kamren, you gotta stop changing the title.

VO Kamren: I didn't.

Me: ...Oh. Kay?

Audience: ...We think we're confused, but we're not sure.

Me: Me neither, actually.

VO Kamren: So, since we're stuck with this gig until the end of time--

Me: *raises hand* Actually, the contract just says until one of us dies. The "end of time" is how long The Show, in whatever form, must go on.

You: ...Did you read the entire contract?

Me: Sure did.

You: ...It was like twenty pages. Of practically microscopic print.

Me: Sure was.

You: ...So what happens if one of us dies?

Me: It's kinda interesting, actually. Since there must always be three, and always THE three, it has to be all of us. Sure, one of us can be sick or on vacation or something, but with the expectation of returning. If something happens so that one of us will be gone forever -- like if one of us croaks -- the execs have to find an entirely new dynamic. Or... I guess... trynamic. Which isn't a word. And they have to do it fast or the Shadowclave will be released.

VO Kamren: So... if one of you two were to die suddenly and mysteriously--

You: Good grief, Kamren!

Me: Really? There's where you go? Directly to offing one of us?

VO Kamren: I'm just saying that one of us could sacrifice for the rest of the team. I thought we were all frie--

You: Um... Mols?

Me: Yeah?

You: *nudges a box* What's that?

Me: You noticed!

You: I just kicked it when I went to kick Kamren, so yeah. I noticed. What is it?

Me: Okay, so after we finished yesterday, I put on some business casual and a fake ID badge and went up the fire escape again. Used the same window.

VO Kamren: Wait, you broke in again? Why?

Me: I didn't break in! It's not like the window was locked.

Audience: Nuance. Nicely done.

You: But seriously, why?

Me: I went to the S cabinet and copied everything they had on the Shadowclave.

You: ...But seriously, why?

Me: Guys, what am I always saying?

VO Kamren: Everything is dicks?

Me: ...Okay, what ELSE am I always saying?

You: Rob's back in a tight shirt solves all problems?

Me: ...Okay, that, too, but seriously. I'm always saying that knowledge is power. We have to know all we can about our foe.

You: *facepalm* Mols, there IS NO SHADOWCLAVE.

Me: ...

You: The execs are a buncha whackjobs with delusions of grandeur.

Audience: And this is US saying that.

You: Um... I said it.

Audience: But we agree.

You: NOT HELPING.

VO Kamren: And we signed contracts to them that last until the day one of you dies.

You: One of US dies.

VO Kamren: That's what I said.

Audience: Dude, not cool.

Me: ...Okay, I know you guys don't speak nerd, but all of this stuff? Seriously fascinating to me. And whether the Shadowclave is real or not, the execs THINK they're real, so the more we know about them, the better off we are. So--

You: Kamren? Topic.

Me: *whines*

You: Seriously, Mols. You can nerd all you want, but we've got a job to do. It's a stupid, pointless job, but we did sign a contract that we're not getting out of unless one of Kamren's basement girls rises up and strikes him down.

VO Kamren: Hey!

You: Dude, you have no room to talk. You're plotting to off one of us to get out of your contract.

VO Kamren: Not plotting! Just pointing out the loophole!

You: More like the noose, right?

VO Kamren: ...If the loophole fits, tie it around your neck?

You: TOPIC.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Fine. Just for that, the topic is manicures.

Me: NO.

You: Really, Annabelle?

Audience: SO WRONG.

VO Kamren: Guys--

You: Let's about _Murder, She Wrote_.

Me: Fine. If we can't talk about other-dimensional shadow monsters that take the forms of our nightmares to drive us mad before killing the shit out of us, we can fiddly talk about murder.

You: ...All of that's in the box?

Me: All of that AND MORE.

You: ...Suddenly, I don't WANT to know. Whether I need to know or not.

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: You guys suck. All of you.

Me: I don't think you're in any position to throw stones today, Murderbelle.

You: Nice one! *highfives*

Me: Thank you. So... _Murder, She Wrote_. I seriously grew up watching it, and it was probably my first favorite show besides _Star Trek_.

You: That shouldn't make sense, but since it's you, it fiddly does.

Me: ...Thanks?

Audience: Awwwww. Sort of.

You: Welcome. I mean, I know the show was formulaic -- someone is murdered, Jessica Fletcher is either called in to consult or consults because she damn well wants to, the cops are either with her or against her, everyone draws the wrong conclusion, Jessica remembers one seemingly insignificant bit of evidence that everyone else overlooked, and with some kind of elaborate set-up, the criminal is either caught red-handed or dramatically confesses.

Me: Yup. That was pretty much every episode for twelve years and four movies.

You: But it was a formula that WORKED. Every week, they brought in a cavalcade of star cameos and tried every plot twist known to man and made up a few more, and it still worked.

Me: Angela Lansbury herself said she didn't think a show about a middle-aged widow would work in a marketplace saturated with young, beautiful people, but that show stayed on for twelve freakin years. And had the ratings to back that up, most of the time.

You: Exactly.

Me: Honestly? The part I liked best about the show was that Jessica Fletcher, no matter the provocation or situation, was always a lady. Always a class act. She never resorted to violence or personal invective or trashiness. She was always polite, even if that meant she was coldly polite when she knew who the murderer was but couldn't prove it yet.

You: Right. And she got by on her wit and charm, even when people were outright rude to her or threatened her life to keep her away from the truth. I guess I didn't think about it before, but she's actually a pretty good role model.

Me: Right? She didn't let everyone's perception of her as a widow and a retired school teacher keep her from doing what she wanted to do, which was write murder mysteries, or what she was good at, which was solving real-life-in-the-show murders. Threats, taunts, misogyny, sneering cops? Screw all of that. She was Jessica By-God Fletcher, and she didn't care that you thought she oughtta be home knitting.

You: Amen, sister. *highfives*

Audience: Girl power?

Me: No. Nothing so commercial as that. Girl power is all about selling pink merchandise and a false sense of superiority. Jessica Fletcher didn't allow others' perceptions to marginalize her, threats to stop her, or her gender to hem her in. Neither did she resort to being a bitch or a slut to get ahead in an otherwise male-dominated world.

You: So classy. God, I loved that show, even though I wasn't thinking about this stuff at the time.

Me: Yeah. *happy sigh*

You: *happy sigh*

Audience: *shuffles restlessly*

VO Kamren: Never watched it.

You: Shocking.

Me: Fiddly shocking. *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: What? What'd I do??

You: Threaten to kill us to end your contract!

Me: Not forgetting that anytime soon.

VO Kamren: I wasn't threatening! I was just saying that, if we all really were friends, one of us could make the ultimate sacrifice to free the other two!

Me: *raises hand* Point of fact, you said "one of YOU" could make that sacrifice, meaning me or Lori.

You: You even corrected me when I corrected you.

Audience: We were there, dude. Witnesses.

VO Kamren: Whatever. I didn't mean it that way.

Me: *mutters under breath about Mr. Doesn't Do Much On Purpose*

VO Kamren: So... done?

You: With you? Yeah.

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon, guys!

Audience: We suggest groveling. And foot rubs for Lori and hot tea for Mols.

You: He's not touching my feet.

Me: And he'd probably put cyanide in my tea.

VO Kamren: Guys!

You: Whatever. We're done for today. Let's go before Jessica Fletcher has to investigate one of our murders.

Me: Right?? Sheesh.

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon!

-FADE OUT-


	24. Episode 24

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Sh--

Lights: *go out*

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: We do believe in spooks. We do believe in spooks. We do we do we do we DO believe in spooks.

You: Facebook doesn't say anything about a power outage in this area.

Me: Huh.

VO Kamren: Uh... lights? Can you... come back on, please?

Lights: *baaaaaarely come on*

Me: Wait, so that was the studio ghosts?

Camera: *stops rolling*

Audience: *twitches*

You: What the heck, ghosts?

Me: Admittedly, we have kinda been ignoring them lately.

You: We've kinda had more important things to talk about.

Lights: *go out again*

Camera: *makes a disturbing fizzling noise*

VO Kamren: Okay, whatever you just said, take it back.

You: We... HAVEN'T had more important things to talk about?

Lights: *barely come on again*

Camera: *stops making that noise but doesn't start rolling*

Audience: *huddles together*

Me: Are... are we... having a seance?

Lights: *flash twice*

You: Does that mean no?

Lights: *flash once*

You: ...Does that mean yes??

Lights: *turn off completely*

VO Kamren: Guys? I can't see a thing.

You: No shit, Sherlock.

VO Kamren: I'm just sayin!

Me: Captain Freakin Obvious, here. Okay, as the person who's most fascinated with the charlatans and frauds of old, usually, two knocks meant "yes" because two knocks sounded more deliberate. I mean, one knock could've just been the floor settling, right?

Floorboard: *creaks twice*

Audience: *yipes*

Me: See? So two flashes means yes, right?

Lights: *flash twice*

You: The inherent flaw here is that they could be trying to say no, and you're gonna keep assuming they mean yes.

Lights: *go out completely again*

VO Kamren: I'm no expert, but I'm thinking a blackout means "hell no".

Lights: *flash twice then barely stay on*

Me: We're gonna call that a win.

You: Whatever. So what's the deal, studio ghosts?

-LENGTHY PAUSE-

You: Yo! Studio ghosts!

Me: Pretty sure you have to ask a yes or no question.

Lights: *flash twice*

You: LAME. Get a voice, ya slackers!

Me: Geez, Lori! What's got into you?

You: I dunno. I just think this could be way easier.

Audience: DON'T. PROVOKE. THE GHOSTS.

You: Whatever. Wusses.

Audience: Rude! Also true!

Me: ANYWAY... so, studio ghosts, are you angry with us?

You: Oh, my God, that sounds so cheesy.

Lights: *flash twice*

Me: *pointed look at Lori*

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: What did we do to make you mad?

Me: Seriously, people. Yes or no. This is what we got.

You: Uuuuggggghhhhh. I don't have enough Diet Coke for this.

Me: Studio ghosts, are you mad because we've been ignoring you?

Lights: *flash twice... flash again*

Me: Yes and no?

Lights: *flash twice*

Me: Hm. So... have you been trying to get our attention?

Lights: *flash twice very brightly*

Camera: *rolls*

Me: Uh-huh. So there's something you need to tell us.

Lights: *come all the way on twice*

You: Still lame.

VO Kamren: But I haven't noticed them doing anything different. They're on when we come in and they turn off when we leave.

Me: *shrug* They were being a LITTLE more interactive than that before. Maybe we were supposed to notice that they weren't interacting anymore.

Lights: *flash brightly twice*

Audience: Demon psychic.

Me: Shaddup. It's working for you today, dammit.

You: *snorts*

Me: Well, I played a psychic for one of our theatre skits, so I guess it's on me to really bring the atmosphere. *leans back and does the meditation hands* Beloved spirits, if I were to offer up my body as a conduit, could you write what you wish to tell us?

Lights: *flash twice so brightly a bulb pops somewhere*

Me: ...Huh. Didn't think that'd go over so well.

You: Wishing you hadn't thought of that one?

Me: Kinda, yeah.

VO Kamren: I'm not offering.

You: Don't look at me.

Audience: Not a chance in the furthest reaches of Hell.

Me: LOSERS. Geez. Fine, get me some paper.

VO Kamren: *unclips some paper and hands it over*

You: Need a pen?

Me: *unpockets one* No thanks.

You: ...You carry a pen around in your pocket?

Me: Sure as heck not using a publically available one. People don't wash their hands.

You: Germaphobe.

Me: Hello, Pot. I'm Kettle. It's so nice to meet you.

You: ...Shaddup.

Me: ANYWAY.

Audience: You're... not really gonna let them possess you, are you?

Me: Annabelle, what's the topic supposed to be?

VO Kamren: *consults clippy thing* Favorite chocolate brands.

You: Yes! Let's fiddly talk--

Me: Yeah. Possess away, studio ghosts.

Lights: *emphatically flash twice*

Me: Sweet. Lemme just--*jerks forward almost over the table*

You: What the--?

VO Kamren: Mols??

Audience: *screams like little girls*

Me: *falls back into seat*

You: ...Mols?

Me: *eyes roll up and hand scrabbles for the pen*

VO Kamren: I really, really hate my job today.

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reluctantly leans closer* Uh... okay, the studio ghosts have terrible handwriting.

VO Kamren: Maybe it's Mols who has bad handwriting.

You: Either way... uuuuhhhhh... "Three there shall be, always the three." Ah, seriously? Ghosts, we already know this.

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads* We were the three. Tried to love-- no, sorry, that's "leave". Seriously bad handwriting. Tucker tried to leave... something about burning the contract... we stayed but were... whoa.

VO Kamren: Were what? What happened?

You: *pales*

Audience: *wibbles*

VO Kamren: Lori, what??

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: Um... it says that when one of them left, the execs... um... "did away with" the other two. Then went after the Tucker guy. That's why... ahem... they're still here. The execs bound them to this place as a punishment before bringing us in to replace them.

VO Kamren: But... there's only the lights guy and the camera guy, right?

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads, then facepalms* The podium. The one that walked away so happily after the Ghost Hunter guys.

VO Kamren: That was Tucker?

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads* Yes. Big, giant letters YES.

VO Kamren: So... what do you want from us? What can we do?

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads* They want to be free like the podium guy.

VO Kamren: But... I mean... we sold the podium. It's not like we can sell the lights. I guess we could sell the camera, but--

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads* It's not the selling that matters.

VO Kamren: Then...?

Me: *scribbles slightly less madly*

You: *reads* Oh, good grief. Seriously??

VO Kamren: What? WHAT??

You: We just have to really like them. They just want to be appreciated, since they can't ever be truly released.

VO Kamren: ...That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Me: *throws Lori's Diet Coke at him*

VO Kamren: Ow! Hey! Gross!!

You: ...I was drinking that.

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads* "Fiddly deserved it." Ya know, Annabelle, I kinda agree with them.

Me: *scribbles madly*

You: *reads* All-caps, WHY WON'T YOU LOVE US??

VO Kamren: This is stupid! Mols is just messing with us!

Me: *throws table at him*

Audience: *shrieks and huddles together*

VO Kamren: OW! Hey! Not cool, ghosts! Not cool!

You: Huh. I guess that ends THAT conversation.

Me: *comes out of it* Um... where's the table? And why is Kamren wet?

Lights: *flicker on and off*

Camera: *falls over*

You: Turns out, the studio ghosts are the bound spirits of the last trio the execs conned into contract. When one of them tried to burn the contract and leave, the execs offed 'em all and bound them to the site.

Me: Day-umn.

You: Right? The one that almost got away -- the execs tracked him down and brought him back to join the others -- was the podium ghost, so it kinda got away again, leaving the other two feeling a bit unappreciated.

Me: Huh.

You: So, since they can't be free, they want to be appreciated. We were apparently ignoring them a little too much.

Me: ...Sounds legit. So why is Kamren wet and developing a table-shaped bruise on his face?

Audience: *whimpers*

You: He said it was all stupid and you were just faking it to mess with us.

Me: Why would I do that?

You: *shrug* Why do you do most of the stuff you do?

Me: ...Granted. Okay, so, studio ghosts? Still with us?

Lights: *grudgingly flicker*

Me: I dunno about everyone else, but I appreciate you. You're WAY better than automatic timers.

Camera: *stands itself back up*

You: Nicely done.

Me: *shrug* Rarely hurts to be nice. Especially when you're haunted.

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you all.

Lights: *brighten menacingly*

VO Kamren: Ugh! Fine! Thanks for, like, turning off when we're done. Whatever.

Lights: *return to a pleasant setting*

Me: See, wombat? That's all they need. A little appreciation.

VO Kamren: *mutters under his breath*

You: So, seance done?

Me: Yup.

You: Episode over?

VO Kamren: Not like we ever got to a topic.

You: Would we have stuck to it even if we had?

VO Kamren: ...Granted. Whatever. Let's go.

Me: Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: Camera?

Camera: *stops rolling*

VO Kamren: *mutters more*

Me: Good times, guys. Good times.

-FADE OUT-


	25. Episode 25

VO Kamren: Hey. Welcome to The Show.

You: Really, Annabelle? Still cranky about the studio ghosts?

VO Kamren: *shrugs and kicks a rock* No. Maybe. *kicks another rock* No.

Lights: *flicker*

VO Kamren: I said NO. Sheesh.

Me: Then what's with the rainyface, wombat? You look like someone spilled milk on your PB&J.

VO Kamren: ...That would be really, really sad.

Audience: Good grief.

You: Just say it so we can get on with the topic.

VO Kamren: It's nothing. Really. I just....

Me: You just...?

VO Kamren: *mutters* The masseuse's stupid boyfriend was there today when I went in for a treatment.

You: Ooooooohhhhhh.

Me: *nods wisely*

Audience: ...Bow chicka bow wow?

VO Kamren: Rude! No! I just... he looked like such a tool, ya know? She deserves better.

You: You don't know that.

VO Kamren: ...Huh?

You: You never actually talked to her, right? She might be the biggest bitch under the sun. Maybe she DESERVES a jerk.

Me: And even if she doesn't, it's really none of your business, Kamren. You never even had a real conversation with her.

VO Kamren: ...*grumbles more, kicks another rock*

Me: Seriously, where are you getting all these rocks? That one almost clipped my shin.

Audience: At least he's not aiming for--

VO Kamren: *aims*

Audience: --OW! Hey! Not called for!

VO Kamren: Fiddly called for.

You: ANYWAY. Unless you're planning to do something about it, Mols is right. Nunya bidness, wombat.

VO Kamren: I know. I guess. *kicks another rock*

Audience: *ducks and covers*

VO Kamren: I just wish I could, I dunno... DO something about it.

You: Like what?

VO Kamren: If I could just get my hands on a voodoo doll....

Me: I could make you one.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...WE KNEW IT! A WITCH! BURN HER!!

Lights: *brighten warningly*

Audience: *huddles together*

Me: Thanks, lights! You always have my back.

Lights: *lower to a pleasant level*

Me: Anyway, what's with all the staring?

You: You... know how to make a voodoo doll.

Me: *shrug* Sure.

VO Kamren: ...How would you know that?

Me: Because voodoo is interesting? And I like interesting things?

VO Kamren: She really IS a witch!

Me: *eyeroll* First off, that would make me a priestess, not a witch. And no, I'm not a practitioner. Just an interested researcher who could probably work a potion if I needed to, but that's about it.

You: ...I'm a little weirded out that you know voodoo.

Me: Who do?

You: ...You do.

Me: Do what?

You: ...

Me: Sorry. Had to do it just the once.

You: ...If I wasn't scared you'd, like, hex me or something, I'd fiddly smack you right now.

Audience: Great. Now we're scared AND lost.

Me: Oh, please. Voodoo isn't all about hexes. It's a whole system of beliefs. Very spiritual.

VO Kamren: So... you could actually make me a real voodoo doll of this guy?

Me: I could. But it wouldn't do you any good.

VO Kamren: Why not?

Me: Because voodoo dolls aren't meant for crossing people. They're meant for healing or improving good fortunes.

You: Then what's with the pin-jabbing?

Me: You're supposed to pin on a picture of the person you're trying to help. Just to connect the two.

You: Then why does everyone think you can, like, stab a voodoo doll and make the person feel the pain?

Me: Hollywood.

You: Sadly, that explains it all.

Me: Right?

Audience: ...Don't care. Still scared.

Me: Wusses.

VO Kamren: So you're saying that, even knowing voodoo, you couldn't curse this clownshoe to, like, lose all his hair or get a tumor or something?

You: Geez, Murderbelle.

VO Kamren: I'm just sayin!

Me: Honestly? Yes. There are hexes and potions that can have a deleterious effect on someone, but not all voodoo practitioners will do them.

You: Why not?

Me: Those that do take the risk of angering the loa.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: ...?

Me: The spirits a voodoo practitioner speaks to and asks for favors or help from. They're very capricious, and if you're always asking them to do bad things or help you make bad magic, they might just decide to make bad things happen to you.

You: Huh.

Me: Yup. They will fiddly bite your life.

VO Kamren: *winces*

Me: So, not usually worth the risk. Like I said, it's very spiritual. In fact, most magic systems function on a "what you give comes back multiplied" basis.

VO Kamren: ...How many magical systems do you know?

Me: *eyeroll* Forget it, Murderbelle. I can't actually DO magic, and I'm not convinced that anyone can. I've never seen it happen myself, and David Copperfield and David Blaine and the like are illusionists, not magicians. I just find the whole thing fascinating, and when that happens, I research. I like to know things.

VO Kamren: Like how to make voodoo dolls.

Audience: Seriously. Still scared.

You: I think that's more than enough for the day. I've been out of Diet Coke for, like, five minutes, and it looks like Mols isn't gonna magic me up another one.

Me: Yeah, sorry. Not a practitioner. And most potions I could make have really disgusting ingredients.

You: Like...?

Me: You don't want to know.

You: ...I'm gonna take your word for that and let it go.

Me: Very wise decision.

You: So... done?

VO Kamren: As usual, we didn't talk about the topic and you guys didn't help me at all, so... yeah. Done.

Me: Sounds legit.

Audience: She's hexing us right now, isn't she?

You: Would you know if she was?

Audience: NO! THAT'S WHY IT'S SCARY!!

Me: *eyeroll* Let's just go.

You: Lights?

Lights: *dim*

Me: Camera?

Camera: *stops rolling*

VO Kamren: *mutters*

-FADE OUT-


	26. Episode 26

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Hey.

Me: 'Sup.

Audience: WITCH!

Me: Don't even start.

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: Um... you guys okay?

You: Fine.

Me: Whatever.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: *sigh* Haven't heard anything new out of Fun. in, like, forever.

Me: Rob tweeted last night that he's doing reshoots in NOLA. He's gonna be barely two states away again, but he might as well be on the moon, still.

VO Kamren: ...He's been on the moon?

Me: *closes eyes* UNREACHABLE, WOMBAT.

VO Kamren: Oh. What's Nola?

Me: *facepalm* New Orleans, Louisiana.

VO Kamren: ...Oh.

Audience: Even we knew that.

VO Kamren: Shaddup. Rude.

You: Mols, why don't you just drive down there? It's not really that long a drive, ya know. A few hours, depending on traffic. Cheaper than flying, for sure.

Me: Don't tempt me.

You: Are you kidding? If it was Nate, I'd be down there in a heartbeat!

Me: Yeah, but if it was Nate, he'd probably be there for a concert, so it wouldn't be skeevystalker to show up from a couple of states away.

You: I don't see the difference.

Me: *facepalm* You could buy a ticket and go to the show, and no one would think a thing about it because that's NORMAL.

You: Ugh, geez, just GO.

Me: And do what??

You: I dunno. Stalk him or something.

Me: Ugh! So skeevy!

You: For God's sake, it's not like you're planning to roofie him or something. Just... go take a closer look. See if maybe you can get a picture with him or something. You said he's cool about his fans, right? I bet you could even get an autograph.

Me: Oh, that'd go over GREAT. "Hi! I'm a big fan! I drove down from the middle because you tweeted that you were filming reshoots here. Um... hi. No skeeve, superswear."

You: Well, geez, don't say THAT. Just... ya know, "bump into" him somewhere.

Me: Still skeevy. "Oh, my! I just happened to be walking on the same street as you! Crazy, right? Where am I from? Uh... the middle. Why am I in NOLA? Uuuuuhhh... voodoo research. Yeah, that. I most certainly didn't come here because you were currently the closest to me you would ever be otherwise."

Audience: Um... yeah, no. That's superskeevy. And this is US saying that.

Me: Right??

You: OR... you could just be wearing a nerd shirt, like always, and get coffee at the same place he is.

Me: I hate coffee.

You: Tea, then. Whatever. He's British; he'd probably think it was cute. Then he'd comment on the shirt and you'd giggle--

Me: NO GIGGLING.

You: --and say something clever back. Then he'd fall in love with you and invite you back to his hotel room where you'd make mad, passionate love. Boom! Little ginger babies and Mols K--

Me: NO! BAD LORI!

You: I'm just saying. That could happen.

Me: *cringes* You said "babies". And hinted at the M word.

You: IT COULD HAPPEN.

Me: I could just skip that whole part.

You: But the rest...?

Me: *snerk* Have I ever once in the entire time you've known me been anything even resembling smooth?

VO Kamren: *raises hand* No?

Me: *narrows eyes* Wasn't asking you.

Audience: *opens mouth*

Me: PEPPER SPRAY GRENADES.

Audience: *closes mouth*

You: Mols, you wouldn't have to be smooth. Just be yourself. He's a huge nerd; you're a huge nerd. You even nerd over the same stuff, and I've personally seen you talk to complete strangers about nerd stuff like you've known them forever. You'd do fine.

Me: There is no way in hell I'm driving down to NOLA to creepystalk that poor man. He gets that enough from other fans. I will not be That Guy.

You: I'm telling you, if it was Nate, I'd already be on the way.

Me: Again, if it was Nate, that would be expected because tickets and a performance.

You: UGH. You people and your scruples.

Me: If you got 'em, flaunt 'em?

Audience: YES, PLEASE FLAUNT YOUR SCRUPLES.

Me: I don't think you know what that word means.

Audience: Don't care. FLAUNT.

You: Gross. *brandishes pepper spray*

Audience: *cowers*

You: Ya know, I used to like this group, the SuperTones, and I went to lots of their shows and even got to talk to the lead singer. Even got a picture with him and he knew me by name and everything.

Me: That's kinda cool.

You: Still got the picture. So see? THAT COULD BE YOU. You could fiddly have a picture of you and Rob.

Me: Ugh! They were a band! It wasn't stalkery to buy a ticket and go to a show. It's... like... what you're supposed to do as a band fan.

You: Mols!

Me: Lori!

You: *huffs*

Me: *huffs*

Audience: *shuffles like restless cattle*

VO Kamren: So... done?

You: She's pretty much hopeless, so yeah. Done.

Me: Whatever. Done. Sure.

VO Kamren: Okay then. So... I guess... see you next time? Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: I still say you should go.

Me: LET IT GO.

You: Don't try to distract me with Frozen pop culture.

Me: *headdesks until the lights go out*

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, the whole "you should go to N'Awlins" conversation happened almost verbatim via text between me and Lori. It was HILARIOUS.


	27. Episode 27

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone!

You: Where we talk about whatever and never resolve anything.

Me: That almost sounds like a soap opera.

You: We don't do melodrama.

Me: Thank God.

Audience: At least they have mostly-naked people in soap operas.

You: So go watch one.

Audience: *huffs*

Me: Ya know, I've been thinking.

You: God help us.

VO Kamren: Should I hide now or hide later?

Audience: We're doing both. *hides now in preparation for hiding later*

Me: *eyeroll*

You: Out with it, Mols. The sooner you blurt, the sooner we get to the topic, and the sooner we avoid talking about it long enough to be done.

Me: I really like our game plan.

You: Right??

Me: Anyway, I was just thinking that... shouldn't we be more bothered that we're contracted to murderous psychopaths?

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*still hiding*

You: ...I thought you thought they were saving the world?

Me: Kinda beside the point. I've been reading through that box of goodies I kyped, and Tucker wasn't the first time someone tried to break contract and disappear, only to be dragged back so all three contractees could be offed and replaced.

You: ...I see your point.

Me: So... shouldn't we be super-bothered by the fact that one little misstep could end up with all three of us haunting the rafters with the lights ghost and the camera ghost?

Lights: *flicker sadly*

Camera: *whirrs sadly*

Me: Sorry, guys. It's not that we don't like you.

You: We just don't wanna BE you, if that makes sense.

VO Kamren: I think you're overthinking this.

Me: *raises one eyebrow*

VO Kamren: Um... I just mean... none of us is gonna try to cut and run, so why would the execs have any reason to off us?

Audience: *raises hand* Not enough nudity in the programming?

Us: NO. ALWAYS NO.

Audience: Shucks.

You: ANYWAY, what if one of us has to move away, wombat? What then? Three dead bodies, that's what then.

VO Kamren: *gulps* Didn't think of it like that.

You: Mols, has ANYONE ever gotten away without everybody dying because of it? I mean, there has to be a way out, right?

Me: From my research, I can tell you that if one person dies a natural death, the others are released from the contract without the death penalty.

You: That's still pretty grim.

Me: *shrug* One guy got married and moved away. That seemed to work out okay for the other two.

You: So, wait... how...?

Me: *snerk* I guess the execs are like me and figure marriage IS death.

You: ...I will not be laughing at that.

Me: But you want to.

You: ...No comment.

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: So... if one of us gets married, the other two are safe to leave, as well?

Me: Seems like it. But don't look at me. The M word is a bad word, as far as I'm concerned.

You: I'm not set against it but I prefer Diet Coke to a man right now, so... don't look at me, either.

Audience: *heavy sigh*

VO Kamren: And I can't get a girlfriend to save my life.

Me: *snickers* Literally, in this case.

VO Kamren: Hey! You mock my pain!

Me: Life IS pain, highness!

VO Kamren: ...?

You: It's a _Princess Bride_ quote, Annabelle. How have you not watched that?

Me: I feel like we've had the "how has Annabelle not watched a thing" discussion before.

You: Oh, so many times.

VO Kamren: Hey! I've watched some stuff!

You: Like _Twilight_.

VO Kamren: *blushes* It was a group thing! And I didn't watch the whole thing!

Audience: Dude. That is LOW.

Me: Right??

VO Kamren: Stop that! We need to talk about a topic that's NOT my love life!

Me: Or lack thereof, right, wombat?

VO Kamren: UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

You: Oh, leave him alone. It's not his fault he can't talk to women.

Me: He did call you a cow that time.

VO Kamren: I did not! I said she was the prettiest cow in the field! It was a compliment!

You: *bristles*

Me: KAMREN ANNABELLE WOMBAT!! How many times have I told you that there's no such thing as a compliment when both cows and women are involved!

You: *prepares to Hulk out*

Me: Hey! Let's talk about Nate's windswept hair! Or that lip you're just dying to nibble!

You: ...Whatever. Mad now.

Me: I know, I know. But he's learning.

You: SLOWLY.

VO Kamren: RUDE.

Me: Not. Now. Annabelle.

VO Kamren: *pouts*

Me: So... are we good to go?

You: SO ready to go.

VO Kamren: *kicks a rock*

Audience: Ow! Hey!

VO Kamren: Not sorry.

Audience: We were hiding and everything!

VO Kamren: Just fade out already. Hate this show.

Me: And, as always, we end on a high note.

Everyone: *sings a high note*

-FADE OUT-


	28. Episode 28

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Show! Today's topic is--

You: What smells like barbeque?

Me: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...Is that a euphamism?

You: No. I smell barbeque. And... *sniffs*... meat. The heck?

Me: Crockpot full of meatballs and Lil Smokies in the corner.

You: ...Yours?

Me: *shrug*

Audience: *drools*

You: Why do you have a crockpot full of barbeque meatballs and Lil Smokies in the corner?

Me: SuperBowl party at work.

VO Kamren: Oh, crap, I forgot!

Me: *headshake*

You: Wait wait wait. So you guys are having a potluck AGAIN?

Me: Looks like it. Unless EVERYONE forgot like Annabelle did.

VO Kamren: Hey!

You: *groans* So you mean I'ma have to sit here and smell barbeque and meat this whole time??

Me: Sorry. Gotta get it simmering.

You: HATE YOU.

Audience: WE HATE YOU, TOO.

VO Kamren: Smells good, Mols. What sauce did you use?

Me: A Jack Daniels hickory brown sugar and a Sweet Baby Ray's. Then I added more brown sugar, a scoop of minced garlic, and most of a beer.

You: Gross!

VO Kamren: But it smells SO GOOD.

Me: It'll taste good, too. You won't even notice the beer.

You: Then why put it in?

Me: It just adds... something. Can't put my finger on it. It's just better somehow.

You: Weirdo. Okay, now that THAT mystery's solved, what's the topic?

Me: Soooooo Scooby Doo.

You: ...Okay, it kinda did sound a little Scooby Doo.

VO Kamren: Rood one, Raggy?

You: That didn't sound even the slightest bit Scooby Doo.

VO Kamren: ...Rude.

You: Don't "dude" me, Scoobs.

Me: Ha! Nicely done.

You: *grin* Kinda proud of that one.

VO Kamren: ...I don't get it.

Audience: We do. *snerk*

Me: So are we talking Scooby Doo, then?

You: And the Mystery Machine van that looked like a particularly festive drug lab?

Me: And the horrifically, awesomely 70s costuming? That never changed?

You: And the constant stoner references?

Me: And the fact that Casey Kasem is unrecognizable as Shaggy's voice?

You: Right?? And the fact that, apparently, every criminal in that universe was a crazy old guy who thought a scary mask would let them get away with it forever?

Me: And they WOULD have gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids!

Us: *crack up*

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *still inhaling barbeque smell*

You: Kamren, tell us you have actually watched at least one episode of Scooby Doo.

VO Kamren: I've seen plenty of Scooby Doo.

Me: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: I'm serious! I've watched, like, every episode!

You: Then why aren't you joining in?

VO Kamren: *twitches* Meatballs smell so good!

You: *facepalm* Seriously??

Me: I had no idea they'd be so distracting. Sorry?

You: You just haaaaaad to bring 'em along.

Me: I did! They have to get all crockpotted before lunch!

You: Rude.

Me: Don't "dude" me!

You: Hey! That's MY joke!

Audience: ...Honestly? Still kinda funny.

You: Hey! You're supposed to be on my side!

Audience: *shrug* She has beer barbeque.

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: Well, we managed a topic. Are we done?

Me: I feel like we didn't explore the topic very well. Like how the show became such a fixture in pop culture. And like how the Venture Brothers did a hilarious episode with "ghost pirates" that was so Scooby Doo it made me hungry by proxy and Brock Sampson was SO not impressed.

You: Yeah, I have NO idea what you just said for the whole, like, last half of that speech.

Me: Ugh!

You: So yeah, I think we're probably done. I know I'm done smelling barbeque I can't have.

Me: It's not ready yet. Otherwise, you could fiddly steal a meatball.

VO Kamren: ...Is THAT a euphamism??

Us: *thwaps him*

Audience: *chuckles*

Me: And that's probably it for the show. Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: All I can say is that this place had better air out before the next show, or I'ma hurt someone.

Everyone: *looks at Kamren*

VO Kamren: *yipes*

Me: He really should have done that so-panicked-he-ran-in-place-for-a-second thing. Would've been show-appropriate.

You: Right? And I feel like someone should've been unmasked as a creepy old amusement park owner.

Me: Disappointed.

You: Fiddly.

Audience: Hungry.

You: Ugh. Whatever.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have you know that those meatballs/Lil Smokies didn't even last one full go-through. Nothing left but the excess barbeque sauce. WIN.


	29. Episode 29

VO Kamren: *sluggishly* Hey, guys. Welcome back. Show. Hn.

Me: *yawns and streeeeeeetches*

You: ...Guys?

VO Kamren: Hm?

Me: *blinks slowly*

You: ...You guys okay?

Me: 'M good.

VO Kamren: Sleepy now.

You: The heck, guys?

Me: Food orgy. Basking in afterglow.

Audience: YOU DIDN'T INVITE US??

You: *whips out pepper spray*

Audience: *cringes* She said orgy!!

You: FOOD orgy, ya whackjobs!

Audience: How is that not better??

Me: *slow chuckle*

You: Okay, stop that. It's... disturbing.

Audience: Is this how she is after--

You: NO. That question cannot ever be asked. Or answered. I'm deleting it from my brain.

VO Kamren: *floops*

You: UGH! That, too! C'mon guys! Wake up and get your game face on! *claps loudly*

Me: Aw, don't do that. The less aware I am, the less I remember how much I need to pee.

You: ...?

Audience: ...Is THAT how she is after--

You: *peppersprays*

Audience: *wails and hides*

You: Seriously, Mols, what the heck?

VO Kamren: *slowly raises hand* They shut off our building's water to fix some... something. Outside. This morning.

Me: So we have no running water until they get some leak fixed somewhere.

You: So... you guys haven't peed since this morning?? Oh, my God, I'd have died of urea poisoning by noon!

VO Kamren: Eleven.

You: *peppersprays* RUDE.

VO Kamren: Wuuuuuh! *too orgied out to scream and writhe in pain*

Audience: *points and laughs*

Me: Eh, we coulda gone next door or across the street to use the facilities, but I hate to stroll all up in another business just to use the john, ya know?

You: Then how long has it been since you peed last?

Me: *muzzily calculates* Four hours? Or so?

You: OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD??

Me: Oh, simmer down. That's not so long.

You: How much Coke have you had?

Me: Please. I haven't even finished my 32 oz from this morning. Although I did sneak in a cup of Earl Grey because it's freakin cold in that damned building.

VO Kamren: *still rubbing eyes* Which doesn't help with the whole "need to pee" situation.

Me: Word.

You: ...Huh.

Me: Now shoosh. You're bumming my afterglow.

Audience: Tell us more.

You: DO NOT TELL US MORE.

Me: *slow chuckle*

You: And stop that! Ya know what? That's it. I'm picking the topic.

Me: Have at thee.

You: Waterfalls.

VO Kamren: *whimpers*

You: White water rafting.

Audience: ...Dude. That's cold. And this is US saying that.

You: Leaky faucets. Heavy drizzle in a leafy forest. Big, squirty fountains.

Me: Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.

You: EW! ...I think?

Me: *waves this off* Quote from the _Rime of the Ancient Mariner_ , if I remember correctly. They were in the middle of the ocean. Can't drink salt water, even if you're dying of thirst. Talk about torture, right?

You: The whole moving water thing isn't bothering you, is it?

Me: *shrug*

VO Kamren: I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Audience: Poke him in the stomach.

VO Kamren: DO NOT POKE ME IN THE STOMACH.

Me: *slow chuckle*

You: *thwaps me* STOP THAT.

Me: ...Ow. Hey.

You: Oh, my God, I am SO DONE with this episode!

VO Kamren: Are we finished can I pee now please tell me we're done??

You: Ugh! Just go, already! Somewhere else, I mean!

Me: *slow chuckle*

You: STOP THAT!!

Me: Can't. Funny.

Audience: ...Weird boner time. Sorry? We think?

Me: *waves this off*

You: That's it. I'm out. You weirdos can sit here and bask in your gluttonous afterglow all you want.

Me: 'Kay.

You: UGH! *stomps away*

VO Kamren: *runs for nearest working bathroom*

Audience: ...Should we go?

Me: Sure.

Audience: ...You gonna be okay?

Me: Dandy.

Audience: ...*fidgets*

Me: *slow chuckle*

Audience: Okay, even OUR boners are too weirded out. *leaves awkwardly*

Me: *happy sigh* Lights?

Lights: *dim*

Me: Camera?

Camera: *plays some light jazz*

Me: Good times, man. Good times.

-FADE OUT-


	30. Episode 30

VO Kamren: Hey, guys. Welcome back to The Show.

Me: Yeah, I guess.

You: ...Guys?

Me: What.

VO Kamren: *kicks a rock*

You: ...Everything okay?

VO Kamren: I dunno about Mols, but I'm kinda bummed.

Me: Football's over until Fall, so yeah. Kinda bummed.

You: Ho hum. Football's boring anyway.

Me: Uh, did you WATCH the SuperBowl last night? Even if you were inexplicably bored during an incredibly close game, you couldn't have been bored by the freakin barroom brawl that broke out in the closing seconds.

VO Kamren: Right?? And that crazy interception finish that sealed the Patriots' victory and sent the Sadhawks flapping home to cry in their rainyface state.

Me: Nicely done.

VO Kamren: It was beautiful.

Audience: We liked the halftime show.

Me & VO Kamren: Ugh. HALFTIME SUCKS.

You: Whatever. You guys may be all Gloomy Gus, but I had a GREAT weekend.

Me: It was the last football weekend for, like, ever. What could possibly make it great?

You: Had a date Friday night.

VO Kamren: ...Uh... isn't that usually the prelude to a bad weekend for you?

You: RUDE! And only sort of true.

Me: *opens mouth*

You: *glares* And not this time, at any rate.

Me: *closes mouth*

You: He was a gentleman and we had a lovely dinner talked and watched that Stephen Hawking movie and it was wonderful.

Audience: We object.

You: Too bad. He's a good kisser.

Audience: Hey! Unacceptable!

You: Sucks to be you guys, because I'm feeling GREAT.

Me: Ugh. Looks like someone spilled Coke in your computer.

You: ...?

Me: It was one of the SuperBowl commercials. Some IT dude spilled Coke into one of the servers, and instead of shorting everything out, like it fiddly would, it instead changed all the internet's screaming hate into positive, encouraging messages.

VO Kamren: Oh, yeah. I remember that one. Kinda meh, really.

Me: Most of the commercials were kinda meh. It's sad that companies paid like $4.5 million for those slots, then used such meh commercials.

Audience: ...We kinda liked the commercials. Only reason we watched, really.

Me: Blasphemy!

VO Kamren: Seriously!

You: Oh, please. That's why companies are so willing to pay those prices. They know most people are only watching for the commercials and to see if there's another halftime "wardrobe malfunction".

Audience: *kicks a rock* There wasn't.

Me & VO Kamren: Thank God.

You: Sheesh. I'd bet real money that you two were the only people not in the stadium who watched the game for the game.

VO Kamren: Probably.

Me: Very likely.

You: At least you admit it.

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: *shuffles restlessly*

Me: Honestly, a lot of the commercials were just kinda weird this time around.

VO Kamren: *nods* A lot of "prevent domestic violence" and that horrible commercial about the kid that'll never grow up because he died in some horrible childhood accident. Good grief.

Me: Right? Or that one with the old Italian guy whose old Italian wife gives him the come-hither look?

VO Kamren: Right! And he's all, "Hello, there" and goes to take his last "little blue pill", but he gets a little excited when he goes to pop it in his mouth, so it flies out the window.

Me: And it bounces around outside for a while until it oh-so-miraculously falls into this little squatty car's gas tank.

VO Kamren: And the little squatty car starts making weird thumping noises, and when the owner turns around, it's a little squatty SUV instead of a little squatty car.

Me: Ugh. So weird.

You: ...Seriously?

Audience: ...Heheheh. Car boner.

Me: EXACTLY.

VO Kamren: But... I mean, it's not like it turned into a Cadillac or a Hummer or something actually big and impressive.

You: *snickers*

VO Kamren: You know what I mean!

Me: Yes, we know. I guess the joke is that cars really ARE penises.

Audience: Best. Episode. Ever.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: Oh, c'mon! That's not even, like, secret woman innuendo. Everyone knows that men think whatever car they drive symbolizes their manhood.

VO Kamren: ...?!?

Me: That's why most guys hold out until the last possible minute to get, like, a minivan or a station wagon. That symbolizes that their penis is no longer useful because they already have a family. No guy likes admitting to the world that their dick is functionally useless.

VO Kamren: Oh, my gosh. That can't be even a little bit true.

Me: Then why were there SO MANY car commercials during the game yesterday? A game supposedly watched mostly by men? And why are truck commercials and sports car commercials all about how manly and rugged the truck or sports car is?

VO Kamren: I... but... you....

You: Sounds to me like the Viagra commercial was just cutting through all the politeness and flat out telling men that their car is their penis, so they'd better stick a pill in it and soup it up a little.

Me: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: But... I didn't... and they....

Audience: *happily munches popcorn*

Me: Wombat, how many times do we have to tell you?

You: EVERYTHING IS DICKS.

Me: Especially cars.

VO Kamren: *wibbles*

You: So, we good? You two clownshoes got to talk about your stupid football thing no one cares about.

Me: And we got to break Kamren a little.

Audience: And we got to talk about car boners.

You: Everyone wins!

VO Kamren: *raises hand*

Me: Except Kamren, which is par for the course, so... win!

You: Good episode, guys. Highfives all around!

VO Kamren: Hate you guys.

Me: Awwwwww. *scruffs his hair* That's the spirit, little guy! What do you drive again?

VO Kamren: SHUT. UP.

Us: *snicker*

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Ugh, fade out already!

-FADE OUT-


	31. Episode 31

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Please tell me that football season being over means you guys won't want to talk football until September.

Me: August. And no promises.

You: Uuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhh.

Audience: We promise we won't talk football for, like, ever.

You: ...Good, but still gross.

Audience: We'll take it.

VO Kamren: Whatever. So today's topic is....

Me: ...?

You: ...?

Audience: ...?

VO Kamren: ...Huh. I'm so used to getting interrupted there that I kinda forgot how to finish that sentence.

You: Not sorry.

Me: Kinda proud, actually.

VO Kamren: Rude. Anyway, today's topic is bird-watching.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...Do you mean birds like girls? Because we're ALL OVER that.

VO Kamren: Uh, no. Birds as in smallish creatures with beaks and wings and feathers.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: Lame.

VO Kamren: Guys? C'mon. Bird-watching. GO.

You: Jerk.

VO Kamren: What? Why??

You: I HATE BIRDS. They fly right at your head.

Me: And poop on you.

You: GROSS! HATE BIRDS!

Me: Seriously, dude. What made you think we'd want to talk about bird-watching?

VO Kamren: Birds are really interesting, okay?

You: *narrows eyes* Annabelle?

VO Kamren: Yes?

Me: *narrows eyes* Is this a new girl you're trying to impress?

VO Kamren: No! Geez, would you guys just let it go? Not everything is about getting me a girlfriend!

You: Then why on Earth would we want to talk about stupid flappy face-flying birds??

VO Kamren: FINE! Geez! A friend of mine got some new binoculars that can take pictures, and I wanted to talk about them!

You: ...*wide-eyed*

Me: ...*wide-eyed*

Audience: ...*closes eyes and shakes head*

VO Kamren: What??

You: ...Binoculars.

Me: ...That take pictures.

VO Kamren: ...Yeah?

Us: *exchange incredulous glances*

Audience: *still headshaking*

You: Are you sure this "friend" isn't you?

VO Kamren: No. It's a friend friend.

Me: And this "friend" friend is... into bird-watching?

VO Kamren: I dunno. I guess. I mean, what else would you use camera binoculars for?

You: *snorts* Uh, being a Peeping Tom.

Me: Ya know, like you want your superpower to be.

VO Kamren: Wuh??

Audience: Dude. Seriously.

You: Wombat, the only reason most guys who aren't, like, acknowledged nature-lovers would want camera binoculars is to perv on people.

Me: And take pictures of their pervitude.

Audience: We even have a back-up set.

Us: GROSS! But strangely expected!

VO Kamren: ...But... wuh?? My friend isn't a Peeping Tom!

You: Wasn't, maybe. Is now.

Me: Fiddly. Who is this crackpot so we can avoid him entirely?

VO Kamren: I'm not telling you! My friend isn't a perv, and you guys are wrong. I'ma ask right now. *texts*

You: *headshake* Oh, wombat.

Me: Like he's gonna admit it!

VO Kamren: *holds up phone in triumph* Ha! Shows you guys! *reads verbatim* "Of course they're for bird-watching. I love to watch birds in the bath, especially. The more, the merrier. The splashing, the flirting, all the chatter... beautiful. Really makes me feel close to Nature."

You: OH MY GOD THAT IS SO TALKING ABOUT A COMMUNAL SHOWER.

Me: Geez, is he perving on women at the Y or something??

Audience: *takes notes*

Us: STOP THAT!

VO Kamren: Why are your minds so filthy! He's just talking about a regular birdbath out in a park or something! *phone vibrates* Here's another one. "The water droplets gleaming on their plumage, the glow of their dewy eyes as they flick water at each other, the distant sound of their chirping conversations... oh, yes. So close to Nature."

You: I need to wash my brain out with bleach.

Me: Kamren, seriously, stop. Don't read us any more texts from that whackjob.

Audience: We could stand to hear a little more.

Me: STOP USING FIREFLY QUOTES FOR EVIL!

Audience: *shrugs*

You: Can we be done now? I feel like we need to be done now.

Me: Pretty sure we're gonna be put on a watchlist of some sort if Kamren doesn't shut the hell up.

VO Kamren: It's not me! It's my friend! And he's just a Nature-lover!

Me: Oh, God, what if he's, like, _au naturel_ himself when he's watching! UGH!! Brain bleach brain bleach!

You: *shudders* Close. To. Nature. I'm gonna throw up.

Me: Gross gross gross gross--

VO Kamren: Stop it! You guys are blowing this way out of--*phone vibrates*... Huh. "Watching two birds right now, actually. Getting lots of great shots. Oh, look, one is stroking the other's--"

You: NO! *sticks fingers in ears* Lalalalalalalala--

Me: I am so out of here before the FBI or the NSA or the CIA or someone shows up. Everybody scramble!

Audience: *already headed for the exits*

You: I get the feeling they've had to run from a three-letter agency before.

Me: They ARE pretty good at it.

VO Kamren: *phone vibrates*

Me: Leaving now! Kamren, if you value your freedom, you'll burn your phone and forget you have a friend with camera binoculars.

You: WHY AREN'T WE GONE YET??

Us: *run out after the audience*

VO Kamren: *eyes phone in hand* Four new messages. I... I think I'll just... *deletes*

-FADE OUT-


	32. Episode 32

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show Where We Don't Talk About Binoculars or People's Car Size!

You: Subtle.

Me: Almost went right by me.

Audience: *snicker* Car boners.

VO Kamren: So even though today will be pleasantly not-frigid, the topic of the day is favorite hot beverages. Go!

You: Ugh.

VO Kamren: What? What's wrong with hot beverages?

You: I can already see how this is gonna go. Mols is gonna talk about, like, every kind of hot tea ever, and I'm gonna sit here and Facebook.

Me: I resemble that remark.

VO Kamren: Why won't you be participating?

You: Because I don't like hot drinks.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

Me: Right?? There's a joke in there somewhere, but I just can't--

You: Rude. I'll rarely have a tiny bit of coffee, but otherwise, gross.

VO Kamren: No hot chocolate? But you LOVE chocolate.

You: Ugh! Not to drink!

Me: Even I'm okay with the occasional hot cocoa. Though, yes, I much prefer hot tea.

VO Kamren: What about something like hot cider?

You: GROSS! Hot apple juice is not an improvement!

Me: Well, when you put it like that.

VO Kamren: Huh. Then what do you drink when it's cold outside?

You: Same thing I drink when it's warm out.

Me: The same thing we do every night, Pinkie. Try to take over the world!

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

Me: Never mind. Carry on. Lori drinks Diet Coke or ice tea all the time.

VO Kamren: Even when it's cold out.

You: Yes. Why is this such a difficult concept?

VO Kamren: I guess it's no wonder you have to pee all the time then. Being cold AND full of cold drinks would fiddly send me screaming for the bathroom.

Audience: We have to pee right now just thinking about it.

You: ...Speaking of... can we hurry this up?

Me: So does your new man know about your super pee power?

You: *eyeroll* He's not my new man. We had one date.

Me: Gonna have another one?

You: *hedges* If he asks, I'll probably say yes.

Me: That's a yes.

You: ...?

Me: He'd be an idiot not to ask.

You: Aw! *glows*

Audience: Aw!

VO Kamren: That was nice of you, Mols.

You: ...Is that a "you're not worthy of being asked out again" joke?

VO Kamren: What? No! How do you...?

You: If Mols was just being nice by saying that, it means he WOULDN'T be an idiot not to ask, which means it'd be SMART not to ask, which means I'm not worthy of being asked out again.

VO Kamren: Oh, my gosh, I didn't mean it like that at all!

Me: Cut him some slack, Lori. Remember: he doesn't do much on purpose.

You: *huffs*

Audience: *sigh* We wish you'd go back to Nate.

You: What??

Me: They're just saying that because Nate is an intangible dream, so they could keep up hope that you'd eventually settle for them just to have something real.

Audience: GET THEE FROM OUR BRAIN, DEMON WOMAN!

Me: *eyeroll*

You: Huh. So... now that there's a real, live guy that I like and would see again if he asked....

Me: Exactly. They're struck with the realization that you'll never love them like they love you.

Audience: *sniffles*

You: Um... they know I'm not in love with this guy, right? I mean... one date. Seriously.

Me: I think they're finally realizing what you know about Nate and what I know about Rob.

You: Ah.

VO Kamren: ...Uh... and what is that, exactly?

You: *eyeroll* What we've said a hundred times.

Me: They're never gonna be ours. Heck, we're never even gonna meet them, let alone have a chance at them.

VO Kamren: Then why do you daydream about them??

You: Because they're wonderful, duh.

Me: And they're... safe.

You: That, too.

VO Kamren: Safe how?

Me: Lori? You take this one. You're not emotionally constipated.

You: Nice.

Me: *shrug* I know my limitations.

You: Whatever. Okay, Annabelle, listen up. Real relationships are a risk. An emotional risk. That's why I was so nervous about that first date. There's a real person sitting across from me at dinner, and if I mess up or say something wrong or he's just bored the whole time, I'll ruin my first, best chance to find out if this person might be worth the effort of risking my heart again.

Me: Well put.

You: And with someone distant and unreachable, like Nate, I can have all sorts of daydreams where we bump into each other and have a good laugh and realize we were meant to be together because that's NOT risking my heart. Not my real one, anyway. It's just a daydream to keep me warm on lonely nights or on particularly bad days.

Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwwww. *is misty-eyed*

Me: Damn, Lori. That was poetic. You should turn that into a song.

You: *grin* And turn it into a viral hit online so Nate will hear it and realize it's about him and fall madly in love with me so I can have his precious little Who babies and we'll live happily ever after?

Me: EXACTLY.

VO Kamren: I'm so confused!!

Audience: Yay! She's back with Nate! We still have a chance!

You: *facepalm* Oh. My. God.

Me: I give up.

You: Me, too. They really don't get it.

VO Kamren: So... you ARE in love with Nate? Or you're not? And how will the new guy feel about sharing you with Fun.?

You: OH MY GOD, ANNABELLE.

Me: *snickers*

You: I'd almost rather go back to talking about hot beverages.

Me: Heh, sounds like everyone could stand a soothing cup of hot tea right about now. Earl Grey solves all problems.

You: ...Talk about your rock and your hard place.

Audience: Did someone mention boners??

Me: *facepalm*

You: *headdesk*

VO Kamren: I think that's our cue.

You: Yes. A thousand times, yes.

Me: I'm good. Let's go. Lights?

Lights: *dim*

Me: Thanks, pal.

Lights: *flicker an acknowledgement*

You: I have to pee.

Me: So nice that some things never change.

VO Kamren: ...DO YOU LOVE NATE OR NOT??

Us: *chuckle*

-FADE OUT-


	33. Episode 33

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: *sips Diet Coke*

Me: 'Sup.

Audience: *still pouting about Lori's new guy*

You: Ugh! He's not my "new guy"! We had ONE DATE!

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, today's topic is--

Me: The Freebie Five.

VO Kamren: ...Why do I even bother writing topics down?

You: You'd think he'd have learned by now.

Me: Right?

VO Kamren: Ugh. So... what's the Freebie Five?

You: Honestly, I'm kinda drawing a blank there, too.

Audience: *raises hand* We know!

Me: Of course you do. *eyeroll* Okay, so quick tutorial: the Freebie Five is your mental list of five celebrities or characters that you could guilt-free sleep with if the opportunity... ahem... arose... even if you were in a committed relationship.

You: I'm not in a committed relationship!

Me: I know! But if you _were_.

Audience: Ha! Arose! We just got it.

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: I dunno. Still sounds like cheating to me.

Me: Oh, it fiddly is. No way in hell I'd actually follow through with it.

You: Amen. I've actually heard of this before, but I didn't know you were allowed five.

Me: Right? Helluva deal. So let's hear everyone's Freebie Five lists that we'd never follow through on because, seriously, cheating.

You: You first.

Me: Never. You go.

You: Ugh. Okay. Well, Nate, of course. And Nate. And--

Me: Nope. You can only list someone once. Otherwise, my list would be all Rob.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

Me: ...I'll let that one slide.

Audience: Whew.

You: Lame. Okay, so... Nate. Ed Sheeran.

Me: Really? You DO like gingers! I'm so proud of you!

You: Actually, I just like his voice. But I'm kinda proud of you for knowing who he is.

Me: I try. So that's two.

You: Right. Uuuuhhhh... Tyler Joseph.

Me: No idea who that is.

You: *eyeroll* Ed Norton.

Me: *eyeroll* Of course.

You: So dreamy! And. Uuummmm... oh! The wedding videographer from this bridal show I went to when I was still engaged to the jackass.

Me: Really?

You: *fans self* You have NO idea.

Me: Hot enough that you noticed even in the midst of your premarital bliss?

You: Hot enough that pretty much everyone's jaw was on the table at a freakin bridal show.

Me: Nice!

Audience: *grumbles and kicks a rock*

VO Kamren: Ow! Hey!

Audience: Turn about is fair play.

VO Kamren: Rude!

You: Your turn, Annabelle. Lemme guess... Amy Fisher?

Me: Isn't she that chick who went to jail for trying to murder that guy's fiance?

You: Ha! It was! Oh, wombat. You sure can pick 'em.

VO Kamren: Hey! I get it, okay? Amy Adams and Isla Fisher are two separate people. Ha ha. Geez!

Me: But they're #1 and #2 on your list?

VO Kamren: As long as that's not a bathroom joke... yes.

You: Gross.

Audience: And this is US saying that.

You: I SAID IT.

Audience: Whatever.

VO Kamren: I guess #3 would be... Kaley Cuoco.

Me: No idea who that is. Lori?

You: Big Bang Theory.

Me: Ah. At least she's supersmart in real life, right?

VO Kamren: That she is. #4 is the blonde one from Two Broke Girls, and #5 is Sandy B.

Me: Sandy B.?

You: Is that your masseuse? Oh! Sandy from SpongeBob??

VO Kamren: The squirrel?? Ha!

Audience: *snickers*

Me: ...?

You: *highfives Kamren*

VO Kamren: Nicely done. But no, she's too good for me. I meant Sandra Bullock.

You: Ah, a cougar instead of a squirrel.

VO Kamren: *blushes*

Me: Hey, Sandra Bullock is awesome. That's a good pick, wombat.

You: At least he didn't say Betty White.

VO Kamren: ...I was tempted. Thought it might be weird.

Us: FIDDLY WEIRD.

Audience: We'd tap that.

Me: Geez! Have some respect!

You: Think you're asking too much of them, Mols. Besides, it's your turn.

VO Kamren: #1 is Rob.

You: Duh.

Me: No argument here.

You: But you really don't talk about anyone else. So I'm kinda drawing a blank as to the rest of your list.

VO Kamren: Now that Lori mentions it... yeah. You don't really talk about other celebrities.

Me: *sheepish grin* That's because most of my list is characters rather than real people. Real people tend to be attached to other real people or have kids or whatever, and that kinda ruins it for me.

You: How so?

Me: Since I wouldn't cheat if the opportunity arose, even in a fantasy, it's hard for me to mentally force someone else to cheat, even just in fantasy. Does that make sense?

You: *slow nod* I can see that.

Audience: She thinks too much.

You: *less slow nod* I can see that, too.

Me: *eyeroll* ANYWAY, I guess Gerard Butler would be on the list, just because I had a thing for him for a while, but he's not really at the top anymore. Like... #4, tops. Herc Hansen would fiddly be on the list somewhere, though that one's kind of weird.

VO Kamren: Wait, isn't that a character in that movie you made me watch?

Me: Pacific Rim? Yes. Which is why it's weird.

You: Why's that?

Me: *blush* He plays Rob's character's dad.

You: ...AWKWARD.

Me: Right??

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

Me: Ugh. Don't ask.

You: ANYWAY.

Me: Right. Riddick would fiddly be on there. He's the reason I was into Vin Diesel for so long.

VO Kamren: Hey, I watched the movie Riddick a while back. It's a good one!

Me: Meh, Pitch Black was better. And I guess for that last slot, I'd have to say... the Winter Soldier.

You: ...I feel like I've heard that somewhere before.

Me: That'd be from me talking about _Captain America: The Winter Soldier_. Comic book movie.

You: Ah.

Me: And I'm not talking Bucky Barnes. Not interested, there. Just the Winter Soldier.

VO Kamren: Bucky Barnes...?

Me: Captain America's childhood friend who was captured, tortured, and brainwashed into being the perfect HYDRA supersoldier assassin, the Winter Soldier.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: He also has a mechanical metal arm, which is AWESOME. He's almost a cyborg!

You: ...Should I be concerned that two of your Freebie Five are basically murderers?

Me: An assassin and a murderer.

You: There's a difference?

Me: ...Nuance. And another one has the highest kaiju kill count of all other jaeger pilots, thanks to piloting two separate jaegers.

You: ...All I heard was blah blah blah kill count blah blah.

Me: Sounds legit.

Audience: We're scared. AGAIN.

VO Kamren: ...Huh.

You: Right??

VO Kamren: And you have no problem with that ratio of actors to murderers?

Me: I prefer the term "badasses".

You: Of course you do.

VO Kamren: I feel like these Freebie Five lists are way more revealing than they ought to be.

You: Gotta agree with you there.

Me: *shrug* I got no secrets.

Audience: WHY IS SHE SO TERRIFYING??

Me: *highfives self*

You: Ugh. Okay, so we actually talked about a topic the whole time.

VO Kamren: And only moderately traumatized me. And mostly just at the end, there.

Me: I got to talk about sci fi characters and comic book characters, so I'm good.

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: So... until next time?

You: Unless one of Mols' Freebie Five comes to murderize us all.

Me: *happy sigh* If only!

You: UGH.

-FADE OUT-


	34. Episode 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to me at some point that we'd discussed Lori's love life and Kamren's love life, but I've basically skimmed over my own, and that hardly seems fair. Since I've tried to be (relatively) honest about theirs (with deference to their anonymity), I figured I'd better be honest about my own. Dammit.
> 
> I'm honestly not sure they even knew this stuff until they read about it in the day's episode. I really am emotionally constipated, aren't I?

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Ugh.

Me: Whatever.

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon, guys! A little enthusiasm, please?

You: It's been a long day, Annabelle.

Me: I feel like a horse that's been rode hard and put away wet.

Audience: Bow chicka--

Me: Don't. Seriously.

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: Bad day?

Me: No. Just a busy one. Doing a bunch of stuff I didn't plan for that came up on the fly, thus leaving the stuff I DID plan for not done.

You: I HATE that. And yeah, pretty much the same, here.

Me: I just wanna go home, run a hot bath with sandalwood essential oil dribbled in, and kick back with a book and a cup of tea.

You: I'm kinda with you, there. Except the sandalwood, the book, and the tea.

Me: Substitute chicken and dumplings and facebook?

You: Well, not chicken and dumplings in the tub, but yeah, basically.

Audience: We were into it, and then... chicken and dumplings.

You: Gross.

Audience: Fiddly gross.

Me: Ya know, I might add some Epsom salts, too. My knees are killing me today.

You: The heck did you do at work?

Me: Nothing strenuous. Just... I'm old, and there's a cold front blowing through. Honestly, I'm lucky it's my knees and not my head. *sigh*

You: True enough.

Me: Migraines suck.

VO Kamren: You're not old, Mols.

Me: I got ten years on you, wombat.

VO Kamren: ...You're not THAT old.

You: Annabelle!

Me: *shrug* I got broad shoulders. I can take it.

You: Whatever. Honestly, I just want A-- er... the guy to call.

Me: He hasn't??

You: I mean, we've talked. He HAS called. We just haven't set up another specific date.

Audience: *sticks fingers in ears*

Me: I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

VO Kamren: Can I ask a question without bodily injury?

You: *narrows eyes* I dunno. Can you ask a question that doesn't invite bodily injury?

VO Kamren: ...I'ma try anyway. I'm curious now.

Me: Curiosity killed the cat.

You: And Mols apparently wants to bone whoever did it.

Me: Ha! Nicely done! *highfives*

You: I try.

VO Kamren: That's kinda my question, actually.

You: Who killed the cat?

Me: Or which of my Freebie Five is codenamed Curiosity?

Audience: *rimshot*

You: ...Since when do they play drums?

Me: ...And have a drum set?

VO Kamren: ANYWAY.

You: Fine. Whatever. Ask away, wombat.

VO Kamren: ...Okay, so if Lori has given up on Nate enough to date a real guy, why hasn't Mols?

-THUNDEROUS SILENCE-

...

...

...

VO Kamren: ...Guys?

You: Kamren. Annabelle. Chester. Wombat. You did not. Just.

VO Kamren: Did not just what??

Me: ...

You: Dude, Mols doesn't not date because she's holding out for Rob. I mean, we joke about it, but... no.

VO Kamren: ...Then...?

You: She doesn't date because she doesn't date, dude! Hasn't for years before she even heard of Rob!

Audience: Rude?

You: Fiddly rude! Right, Mols?

Me: ...

You: Uh-oh.

VO Kamren: What? She doesn't look mad. I'm quite familiar with her Hulk look.

You: Kamren? Trust me when I say that she's way more dangerous when she's quiet than when she Hulks out.

Audience: *trembles*

You: Mols? You okay?

Me: ...*clears throat*

You: *holds breath*

Audience: *holds breath*

VO Kamren: *huddles behind podium*

Me: ...Machete don't text, and Mols don't date.

You: *cringes*

VO Kamren: Uh... who's Machete?

You: IT'S SOMEONE NAMED AFTER A GIANT HACKING BLADE. That should tell you everything you need to know.

VO Kamren: Why doesn't Machete text?

You: Besides the point! Geez!

Me: ...Kamren.

Audience: *trembles*

You: Oh, snap.

VO Kamren: ...Yeah?

Me: ...Listen closely.

You: Crap crap crap. She's taking the time to think about it before saying anything. This is gonna be bad.

Audience: Ya gotta duck and cover! The bomb's a-comin down!

VO Kamren: *fidgets* I'm listening.

Me: ...I don't not date for any other reason than that I don't want to right now. That is subject to change at my prerogative. That is NOT subject to change because you or anyone else thinks normal human types have to pair off like Noah's freakin Ark.

VO Kamren: I didn't mean--

Me: Not finished.

VO Kamren: *yipes*

Audience: *huddles*

You: *headshake*

Me: I crush on Rob because he's someone whose personality and interests I can get behind because they're similar to my own, not because I secretly wish I was dating and am using him as a surrogate for a real dating life.

You: *winces*

Me: I got suckered into dating for years after I broke off my last serious relationship, and I was so miserable with all the set-ups that I finally told people that if they really cared about me, they'd stop trying to force me into a relationship when I didn't want one. I stand by that decision to this day. I like being my own person, and I've yet to meet someone who makes me willing to give up that freedom.

VO Kamren: ...Can I...?

Me: By all means.

VO Kamren: I didn't mean anything by it.

Me: I know. Which is why I'm not biting your head off.

You: Even though it was a pretty insensitive question.

VO Kamren: I didn't know!

Me: It's fine. Now you know, and knowing's half the battle.

VO Kamren: *sigh* I know you're just trying to joke it off. Kinda makes me feel worse.

Me: *sigh* It's a sore spot, okay? People have been prodding at it for going on fifteen years, so yeah. It's a little sensitive.

You: Heh.

VO Kamren: ...Rude?

You: No, just... heheh.

Me: *raises eyebrow*

You: If it's a sore spot, you need more Epsom salts.

Me: ...Heheh. Okay, that was kinda funny.

Audience: *hesitantly peeks out of huddle* Is it safe?

Me: ...Heheh. Probably not intentional, but still funny.

VO Kamren: ...Maybe a backrub from Rob could make it better?

Me: ...Not funny, but a nice image, so I'll take it.

Audience: So the danger is past?

Me: *eyeroll* I'm not really scary, ya know.

You: She fiddly isn't. I'd have been FURIOUS, and everyone would've known it.

VO Kamren: I dunno. Quiet Mols did kinda freak me out.

Me: Because it's so rare?

VO Kamren: ...Since you suggested it, that's what I'm gonna go with.

Me: *snerk* Wise decision, padawan.

VO Kamren: Not gonna ask.

You: Also a wise decision. Pretty sure she was speaking nerd again.

VO Kamren: So... done?

Me: Yes, please. Sandalwood and Epsom salts await me.

You: Chicken and dumplings don't await me, but I can fiddly take a hot bath.

Audience: *opens mouth*

You: Seriously.

Audience: *closes mouth*

VO Kamren: Sweet. Let's go before I put my foot in my mouth again.

You: Wombat, you swallowed your whole leg, there.

VO Kamren: Don't remind me.

Me: Can we please just stop talking about it??

Lights: *dim*

Me: *grin* Thanks, dude. Always got my back.

Lights: *flare a bit*

You: I think the lights ghost likes you.

Me: Yeah, we're not doing a _Ghost_ parody. I'm no Demi Moore.

You: Even though you know how to throw pottery on a wheel?

VO Kamren: *opens mouth*

Me: DO NOT EVEN SUGGEST IT.

VO Kamren: *closes mouth*

Lights: *dim further*

Me: Sorry, dude. Machete don't text, and Mols don't date.

Lights: *flicker in acknowledgement*

You: So... go?

Me: Go.

VO Kamren: Fiddly go.

-FADE OUT-


	35. Episode 35

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Where I'm not gonna say anything accidentally mean today!

You: *facepalm*

Me: Let it go, Annabelle. It's fine.

VO Kamren: Just sayin. Unfortunately, I have a bad feeling, because today's topic is... prom.

You: Prom.

Me: Really.

Audience: Dude. Talk about a minefield.

VO Kamren: I can't help it! I wrote it down at the start of the season and we're just now getting around to it! Not my fault we rarely actually get to a real topic!

You: ...

Me: ...Okay, gotta give him that one.

Audience: This should be interesting.

VO Kamren: Okay, so... very carefully... prom. Go.

You: This is an easy one for me, actually, because my weird school didn't HAVE prom.

Me: Do what now?

You: Christian school. They didn't believe in having dances, so we had Junior/Senior Banquet instead.

Me: Oh, my God, did you live in Footloose Town or something?

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: ...Footloose Town?

Me: *facepalm* Annabelle, please tell me you've seen Footloose.

VO Kamren: ...That's a recent one, right?

You: Uh-oh.

Audience: *ducks and covers*

Me: NO. Good grief, no. The recent one is a remake, and it doesn't exist. The only Footloose is the Kevin Bacon Footloose.

VO Kamren: Okay, I've heard of Kevin Bacon.

You: *snerk* I feel like we should have a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon conversation now.

Me: Don't get me started. Anyway, the point, wombat, is that she apparently went to the awful high school where Kevin Bacon had to teach the entire town to dance because they were all fun-hating fogies who were awful until the music got them.

You: Plus, I was so done with the entire thing by that point that I'd already dropped out and gotten my GED, anyway. So no. No prom for me.

Me: Do you miss it? I mean, movies and pop culture make prom out to be the end-all be-all of your high school career.

You: *shrug* Not really. I imagine it was probably overhyped.

Me: Oh, it was.

VO Kamren: Don't feel bad, Lori. I didn't go to mine, either.

You: No date?

VO Kamren: Rude. No interest. I wasn't about to drop a couple hundred bucks for a tuxedo and a corsage and a limo, just for a couple of hours of the same old school dance I could've gone to for free any other time.

Me: Wombat, that may be the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say. Good on ya.

VO Kamren: Really? *glows* Thanks!

Me: *highfives*

Audience: So... NONE of you went to prom?

You: Doesn't look like it.

Me: *raises hand*

You: *stares*

VO Kamren: *stares*

Audience: *stares*

Me: What? I didn't WANT to. Mom said she didn't want me to miss out on such an important high school ritual just because I didn't see the point, so I got stuck going both years.

You: ...I just... YOU? Mols, YOU went to prom?

Me: *shrug*

You: ...Did you go with a date?

Me: *grumbles* Under protest, yes.

VO Kamren: ...How...?

Me: *eyeroll* The first year, I didn't kick up too much of a fuss and, yes, went with a date. Unfortunately, it was the same old school dance, just with more sparkly dresses. Ugh.

Audience: We're having a hard time picturing you in... like... prom gear.

You: I kinda am, too. Did you get a fancy dress? I can't see you in a fancy dress.

Me: Actually, I asked Mom to make me one that first year. It was black with, like, a silvery gauze wrap around the upper arms and chest. She did a great job, and I felt awful because I never wore it again.

VO Kamren: See! That's why I didn't go!

Me: And that's why you got kudos from me for it.

VO Kamren: *nods*

You: Anyway, so you went to your junior prom. What happened senior year?

Me: UGH. The first year was such a boring ho-hum that I didn't even want to go to the next one, but a group of us friends decided to spice it up a little by all going stag so we didn't have to worry about pairing off and being all couples-y.

You: Uh-oh. I see where this is headed.

Me: Yup. By the week before prom, I was the only one still holding out. A couple of guys had asked, but I kept saying, "Nope. I'm going stag. I WILL BE THE LONE HOLD-OUT!"

VO Kamren: So what happened?

Me: UUUGGGHHH. My mom and brother ignored my protests, and said brother asked one of his Air Force buddies if he'd mind taking me to my senior prom.

You: *cringes* He didn't!

VO Kamren: It's not like you couldn't get a date of your own!

Audience: How. Embarrassing.

Me: I was more annoyed than embarrassed. I'd actually bought a dress this time, a red velvet number, and I was looking forward to having a no-pressure night of dancing with whoever I wanted to and sitting wherever I wanted and not having to be arm-linked to anyone the whole time, and now I was stuck with a date.

You: Whew. So what'd you do?

Me: What else could I do? I ran with it. Suddenly, I was the girl who showed up with the hot, older, mysterious military guy.

You: *snerk* Oh, Mols.

Me: Right??

VO Kamren: ...Not sure I get it.

Me: Brian was a good sport and knew I wasn't exactly kosher with the whole thing, so he played the part of the devoted boyfriend no one knew about. He kept his arm around me, held my hand, took goofy huggy near-gropey pictures to make it look like we were just stupid in love, danced close during the slow songs, all of that. It was a riot. I ended up having a good time just faking everyone out.

You: That is beautiful.

Me: Helped that he was tall, blonde, handsome, and just generally charming. If he hadn't been one of my brother's friends and, thus, like a big brother to me himself, I probably could've worked up to a crush on him.

You: Nice!

VO Kamren: So it all worked out?

Me: Well, I was still ticked off that pretty much everyone demanded that I conform to the whole "it's prom, you have to have a date" ideal, but goofing around with Brian made it like a joke on them rather than a nuisance.

You: Nice.

Me: Right?

Audience: Is it weird that we find that story inspiring?

Me: Probably.

Audience: Rude.

You: ...The more I think about it, the more ironic it gets.

Me: What?

You: That you're the only one of us to actually go to prom.

Me: ...Heh. Heheh. Heheheh.

You: Right??

VO Kamren: That IS kind of ironic.

You: No "kind of" about it. The anti-conventional over here went to prom when we normal by-the-book types didn't.

Me: *cracks up a little more*

Audience: *snickers*

You: Did the whole prom dress bit, went with dates, danced the night away.

Me: *laughs harder*

Audience: *points and laughs*

You: Mols, of all people.

VO Kamren: Okay, I see it now. It's... disorienting.

Me: *still laughing but winding down* I probably shouldn't tell you guys that I was a junior varsity cheerleader then, huh?

-THUNDEROUS SILENCE-

...

...

...

Me: *still chuckling* That's all the time we have for today, folks! Join us next time for... whatever the heck we talk about next time!

You: ...Did you just say--

Me: Peace out! Lights?

Lights: *dim*

VO Kamren: But seriously, did you--

Me: We're gone, dudes!

You: We are so not done talking about-- MOLS!

Me: *runs away cackling*

-FADE OUT-


	36. Episode 36

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone!

Me: *waves half-heartedly*

You: Suck it up, buttercup. I need to see pictures of you in your JV cheerleader gear.

Audience: Yeah! Pics or it didn't happen!

Me: This ain't the internet.

VO Kamren: Technically....

Me: Do. Not. Help them.

VO Kamren: Shutting up now.

You: I'm not. Pictures, Mols.

Me: Not gonna happen. Mom has all the photo albums and yearbooks. She guards them like a bear guards its kill.

You: I'll find a way.

VO Kamren: Okay, so can we get to the--

You: How 'bout this: if you bring your cheerleader stuff or, heck, even your prom pictures in, I'll bring my Glamour Shots.

Audience: Yes! Yes please please please plea--

Me: I'll do you one better. If you bring your Glamour Shots, I'll bring MY Glamour Shots.

You: *boggles* YOU have Glamour Shots?? Mols, you hate make-up! You hate dressing up! You hate poofy hair!!

Me: Yes. Yes. And absolutely yes.

You: Then...?

VO Kamren: Gotta admit, I'm curious, too.

Audience: Anything to get Lori's pictures!

You: Gross!

Audience: Not sorry.

You: Ugh.

Me: Look, I wouldn't normally have Glamour Shots.

VO Kamren: You wouldn't normally do anything normal.

You: Harsh. But true. Although we're seeing a whole new side of you lately.

Me: Yeah, that can stop pretty much any time. Can't we talk about robots or something?

You: Why would you have Glamour Shots?

Me: Ugh.

VO Kamren: Just say it. It can't be that bad.

Me: It's not that it's bad. It's just stupid and not really worthy of attention.

You: Then say it, and we'll stop talking about it.

Me: Not likely.

You: MOLS!

Me: Fine! Back in college, I made the national dean's list, and they wanted me to send in a photo to put me in some compendium that they, of course, wanted me to buy.

VO Kamren: National dean's list? Sounds impressive.

Me: Meh. Pretty sure everyone over a certain GPA was mailed about it. They figure people will want to buy the yearbook to show off that they made some kind of national fancypants list.

You: So you did it?

Me: Well, Mom was pretty excited about it, so she said she'd pay to get a professional picture done to send off, since all I had were high school pictures.

You: Yeah, but how do you get from there to Glamour Shots?

Me: Small town. We didn't have any cheap portrait studios. It cost as much for a full Glamour Shots treatment as for a couple of professional pictures. Plus, I didn't have to do my own hair or make-up.

You: So... how bouffant did they go?

Me: Please. This is me we're talking about. I told the lady doing my thing that it was for the national dean's list, so please don't make me look like Tammy Faye Baker.

You: Ha!

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: You're too young, Annabelle.

Audience: We're not. And good call. *shudders*

You: Okay, okay. So you'll bring your pictures if I bring my pictures?

Me: *shrug* Sure. They turned out okay.

Audience: So... your image didn't burn through the film and destroy the whole studio?

You: Rude!

Me: Eh, they're just asking if I'm a demon.

You: ...Oh. Still kinda rude.

Me: *shrug*

You: What about you, wombat? You have any Glamour Shots lurking in your past?

VO Kamren: Uh... I have school pictures?

You: *snerk* In which you probably look exactly the same as you do now.

Me: Heheh.

VO Kamren: C'mon, guys!

Me: But no professional pictures besides those?

VO Kamren: Well... a lady at church did a few posed shots for my college graduation. They weren't professional, but they turned out well.

You: I say you bring them the same day we bring our Glamour Shots. I wanna see now.

VO Kamren: ...I guess?

You: Sweet.

Me: So... are we done?

VO Kamren: You guys avoided a topic, as usual.

You: What was the topic gonna be?

VO Kamren: *checks clippy thing* Pedicures.

Me: UGH! Pass!!

You: I want one. Like, right now.

Audience: *raises hand*

You: NO. Never ever.

Audience: Aw, shucks.

VO Kamren: Guess that's our cue, then.

Me: Sounds good to me.

You: Alright, then. Everyone brings their pics sometime soon, and we'll all show and tell.

Me: Pretty sure we already did the telling part.

VO Kamren: And "show and tell" sounds way dirtier than it did in kindergarten.

Audience: We're into it.

Us: GROSS.

VO Kamren: Yeah, let's just... go. Ew.

-FADE OUT-


	37. Episode 37

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today, we're--

Me: Eeeeeeeee!!

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

You: Mols?

Me: *claps hands over mouth*

You: Did you just squee?

Me: *muffled* A little bit.

VO Kamren: Geez, Mols. Can't you take a leak before you get here or something?

Us: *narrow eyes*

VO Kamren: ...What?

You: ANYWAY. What's the deal, Mols? Did Rob retweet you or something?

Me: Ha, no. I just... I'm so excited! I got THE BEST nerd shirt last night!

Audience: How is more clothes ever a good thing?

Me: *narrows eyes* Pepper spray grenades.

Audience: *clams up*

You: Okay, okay, so what's the big nerd shirt?

Me: It's just... it's like... all my fannish nerd worlds colliding into one beautiful tee.

You: So why aren't you wearing it right now?

Me: *cries* No t-shirts at Real Work. They just don't understand!

VO Kamren: Okay, calm down and tell us what it is, but lemme do the thing of the day first because it'll be important.

You: ...?

Me: ...?

VO Kamren: I decided that, since you guys never stick to a topic anyway, we're doing a different daily thing. Instead of talking about a thing, we're going to be like Sesame Street and do Letter Appreciation days.

You: Lame.

Me: This episode is brought to you by the letter "Dear John".

Audience: ...Okay, that was funny.

VO Karmen: It really wasn't.

Audience: Says you.

VO Kamren: Shoosh! And you're doing it wrong, anyway. Instead of using the letter all willy-nilly, we're gonna find out exactly how much we use the letter of the day by NOT using it. Or at least not using words that start with it.

You: This is stupid.

VO Kamren: Today's letter is T.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: Go!

You: ...

Me: ...Kamren?

VO Kamren: Yeah?

Me: ...It is literally impossible TO speak THE English language without using THE letter T.

You: Plus, I think it's somehow insulting to Mr. T.

Me: Uh-oh. I see a fool who's about to get pitied.

VO Kamren: Ugh! Fine! What letter would you like better?

You: That rhymed. Is Kamren trying to get flow?

Me: Oh, so he IS on his period again?

VO Kamren: Ugh! Stop saying that! I don't get my... ya know what? That's the letter we'll avoid. P. Today, we can't start words with the letter P. GO.

You: I still say this is stupid.

Audience: You mean "preposterous"?

You: ...Oddly, yeah. But you can't use that one today, according to Annabelle.

VO Kamren: Uh, no. The audience has no restriction. This is just for the three of us.

Audience: Perfect!

Me: I have a feeling this is going to suck worse than it should.

You: Whatever. It's stupid. Just tell your nerd story and let's get this over with.

Me: Alrighty then. So remember me telling you guys a while back--

Audience: Perchance, dost thou remember?

Me: *eyeroll*

You: Wombaaaaaaaaaaaat!!

VO Kamren: Sorry. Not banning them from using it.

Audience: You won't prohibit our prolific use of the very proper letter P?

VO Kamren: ...I may have made an error in calculation.

Me: Yeah.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: Just tell the story, Mols.

Audience: Yes, please proceed.

Me: *grits teeth*

You: C'mon, Mols. Get it over with.

Me: Okee doke. So remember me talking about how Chris Evans and Chris Pr-- er... dammit. How Captain America and Star-Lord were having a Twitter battle about whose team would win the SuperBowl?

You: Um.

VO Kamren: I remember. You made some Civil War joke that no one got.

Audience: A pretty predicament, pal.

VO Kamren: *closes eyes and shakes head*

Me: ANYWAY, an online t-shirt prin-- uh... _making_ company got into the fun and designed a SuperBowl shirt that's a SuperHero Bowl shirt. It's Captain America's helmet done up like a football helmet opposite Star-Lord's head-covering breathing apparatus done up like a football helmet, and it's captioned "The Pa--"... ugh! I can't tell this story without that letter!

You: Yeah. *eyeroll* We're really starting to appreciate it instead of LOATHING ITS VERY EXISTENCE.

VO Kamren: Just get on with it!

Audience: We prithee to proceed with your plight, people.

Me: Can I strangle them? Maybe if I strangle one of them, they'll all asphyxiate and die.

You: JUST TELL THE STORY SO WE CAN BE DONE.

Me: OKAY. Sheesh.

VO Kamren: Why did I do this to us??

You: Pre--- uh... FAIRLY sure you hate us.

VO Kamren: Myself included, today.

Me: ANYWAY, it's captioned "THE forbidden-letter ATRIOT" versus "THE OUTLAW" and looks just like a real SuperBowl shirt otherwise. But since all pro-- er... all money not spent on basic costs went to the Chrises' charities, they weren't going to pri-- er... do the run until a certain date. So I ordered one, because of course I did, but I didn't expect to get it for WEEKS.

You: But you got it last night, instead?

Me: Exactly!

VO Kamren: Nice! Did they know it's your birthday or something?

You: *makes frantic slashing motions across throat*

Me: ...You. BASTARD.

VO Kamren: Uh... what?

You: *whispers harshly* You mentioned the B word!

VO Kamren: *whispers frantically* B words are okay today!

You: *whisper-yells* THAT B WORD IS NEVER OKAY TO HER!!

Me: I can fiddly hear you. Both of you.

Audience: Birthdays mean presents! And maybe a pinata!

Me: I will pun-- beat you with my fists until the blood comes out.

Audience: ...Parlay?

Me: *twitches*

You: Hey! Did you bring the shirt along? I think we'd all love to see it! Before everything is a bloodbath.

VO Kamren: *whispers* So... is it like a "she doesn't want to get old" thing?

You: *whispers harshly* I'ma smack you.

VO Kamren: Then...??

You: *whispers* Good God, Annabelle! It's not an age thing. It's so close to V-day that she's been getting inconsiderate pi-- er... _light red_ stuff her entire life!

Me: FIDDLY.

VO Kamren: Oooooooh. Okay, I got it. Makes sense now. Sorry, Mols.

Audience: Yeah, dude. In context, that was particularly putrid of you. Putz.

Me: ...Okay, that one I'll allow.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: Fiddly deserved it.

You: Okay, so we got the nerd story about the nerd shirt -- and that really is nerd worlds colliding there, Mols--

Me: Right?? BEAUTIFUL!

You: --so can we ple-- UGH. Can we be done yet?? This is the stupidest thing we've done ever, and we're talking about US here!

Audience: You pilfered our patented punchline.

You: I swear to God I will--

VO Kamren: Okay! That's enough for today! Man, who knew it was so difficult to avoid words that start with P?

Me: We will never do this again. With any letter.

Audience: PERIOD.

You: Especially with Kamren being on his.

Me: *snerk* I see what you did there.

You: *highfives*

VO Kamren: ...

You: Give him a minute.

VO Kamren: ...

Me: *times him*

VO Kamren: ...HEY! Rude!!

You: So... done?

Me: Fiddly done. And wishing I was wearing my new favorite nerd shirt.

Audience: We could probably prolong this precious program into paradise.

VO Kamren: That's it. I'm done. We're leaving. You guys SUCK.

Me: Yup. This episode now feels complete.

You: Awesome. I have to pee.

Audience: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

VO Kamren: Uh-oh. The episode wasn't quite over yet.

Audience: She must pay the penalty!

Me: Uh... what's the pen-- uh... what's she have to do for speaking the forbidden?

VO Kamren: She has to go a whole day without thinking about Nate.

You: ...*aghast*

Me: ...*appalled*

Audience: ...Bro... that's harsh.

VO Kamren: Them's the rules.

You: ...Fuck the rules.

Me: Fiddly fuck the rules.

Audience: Gotta go with them, dude. That's just wrong.

Me: Besides, the episode was basically over, anyway. Right, lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: I can't even know you anymore, Kamren.

VO Kamren: It's the RULES!

You: And I repeat: FUCK THE RULES.

Me: Fiddly.

Audience: Peace out?

You: Whatever. If I don't get to the bathroom in five seconds, I'ma just go ahead and pee on him.

Me: Sounds legit.

Audience: Practical AND proper.

VO Kamren: *tears up Letter Appreciation page* We are never doing this stupid game again.

Us: Thank God.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You better believe I really bought that shirt, and you better believe I'm wearing it on the weekend! I freakin love it!


	38. Episode 38

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone!

You: Hey.

Me: Roger.

VO Kamren: Who?

Audience: Present!

You: *narrows eyes* We're not doing the P thing anymore.

Audience: Shucks.

VO Kamren: But who is... never mind. So, since Letter Appreciation didn't work out well for us --

Me: Said as if any of our gimmicks have EVER worked out well for us.

VO Kamren: -- we're going back to regular topics. Today's topic is favorite animals.

Me: Oo, oo, me me me! *raises hand and waves it vigorously* Pick me pick me!

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...This isn't kindergarten, Mols. You can just, like, say it.

Me: DRAGONS.

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: That's not a real animal.

Me: *narrows eyes* I don't recall "reality" being part of the mission parameters.

VO Kamren: Mission parameters?

You: She's having a "black ops" day. Just roll with it.

Audience: ...Should we hide?

VO Kamren: The heck is a black ops day?

Me: Can't compromise the mission.

You: That means "nunya bidness".

VO Kamren: Are you gonna have to translate everything she says?

Me: Negative. Tactical flexibility is allowed, per mission head's discretion.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: Pretty sure that means she can speak English if she wants to.

Me: Affirmative, mission assist.

You: *buffs nails on shirt* Still got it.

VO Kamren: Well, it's annoying, so stop it. And dragons aren't real, so pick a real animal.

Me: *whines*

VO Kamren: Oh, so whining is black ops now?

Me: *narrows eyes then looks at You* Deny mission assist status for Subject B. Permission to terminate?

You: *sigh* Negative, soldier.

Me: Acknowledged. Dammit.

Audience: ...We're scared. We're gonna go ahead and hide now.

VO Kamren: Whatever! Pick an animal! Geez!

Me: Repeat: dragons.

VO Kamren: Repeat: NOT. REAL.

You: Good grief, wombat. Just let her have her thing. Mine is dogs. Cats are nice and all, but I love my dog. That's the one good thing about living where I am -- I can have my dog with me.

Me: Affirmative, mission assist. Canine assets are invaluable for perimeter checks, enhanced security and early warning, and protection.

You: ...And companionship?

Me: ...Secondary effectiveness.

VO Kamren: SO ANNOYING. Please make it stop!

Me: Deny.

VO Kamren: Grrrrrr!

Audience: She doesn't have any actual weaponry, right?

Me: ...

Audience: ...Well??

You: What, you thought she'd tell you?

Me: ...*smiiiiiiiile*

Audience: *whimpers*

You: I also like elephants. I might like elephants more than dogs if I could actually, ya know, have an elephant.

Me: Pachyderms would be a serious drain on resources and difficult to maintain. However, sheer brute force and the effectiveness of their facial weaponry would be mission assist.

You: ...I just... ya know... think they're cute. Especially the little ones.

Me: ...Affirmative.

You: Whew.

Me: Speculation: Subject B's favorite animal is a turkey.

You: *snickers*

VO Kamren: RUDE.

Audience: ...*snickers*

VO Kamren: I am not afraid of turkeys!

Me: Proof required.

VO Kamren: Stop that!

Me: Deny.

VO Kamren: Grrrrrr!

You: Okay, okay. So I have my spirit animal and Mols has her spirit animal--

VO Kamren: Not a real animal.

Me: Empirical evidence unsubstantive. Status of query into reality of genus dragon: in progress.

VO Kamren: GRRRRR!!

You: Kamren, don't Hulk out. You'll just end up all floopy and with nothing but a ripped up pair of pants.

Me: Affirmative. And subjectively hilarious.

VO Kamren: *steams*

You: ...Okay, that one was kinda funny.

Me: Acknowledged and appreciated, mission assist.

You: Any time.

Audience: Actually, we agree. That was pretty funny.

Me: Acknowledged and appreciated, mission redundancy.

Audience: ...?

Me: Query: what IS Subject B's spirit animal?

VO Kamren: FAVORITE animal!

Me: Terminology differs only in the subjective. Query repeated.

VO Kamren: Grrrrr--

You: Geez, Kamren, just answer already!

VO Kamren: *stops and takes a deep breath* FINE. I'd have to say horses or dogs.

You: Anything in specific?

VO Kamren: ...I like chocolate labs?

You: That'll do.

Me: Mission accomplished?

VO Kamren: Will you stop talking like that if I say yes?

Me: ...Can't compromise the mission.

You: That means--

VO Kamren: I REMEMBER.

You: *sniffs* Last time I translate for you, Subject B.

VO Kamren: Can we just be done, please?

You: I'm out of Diet Coke, so... yeah.

Audience: We think "away from the mission head" is probably a good idea today, so... yeah.

Me: Affirmative.

You: Affirmative as in "we're done" or affirmative as in "the audience should probably run screaming"?

Me: ...Affirmative. *smiiiiiiiiile*

Audience: *screams and runs*

You: Gotta admit. I kinda like it when Mols has a black ops day.

Me: Acknowledged and appreciated, mission assist.

Us: *fistbump*

VO Kamren: Just fade out already!

Me: Roger.

VO Kamren: ...WHO THE HECK IS ROGER??

-FADE OUT-


	39. Episode 39

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Please tell me black ops day is over?

Me: *eyeroll* Yeah, fine, whatever.

You: For now.

Audience: Thank God.

VO Kamren: So we can talk about--

Me: Mardi Gras?

Audience: SHOW US YOUR GOODIES!

Me: ...No.

You: Gross. And it's not Mardi Gras yet. Not for another week or so.

Me: I know, but I've always kinda wanted to go, even with the insane crowds. Plus, my desk had pretty much exploded Mardi Gras when I came in this morning.

VO Kamren: ...Why...?

Me: *shrug*

You: Is this another "Rob is in NOLA" thing?

Me: Nope. He left like a week ago. It was just reshoots.

You: ...Huh. Don't get me wrong. Mardi Gras's cool and all. Kinda want to see it myself. Just... soooooo many people, and so many of them are skeevy dudebros who want you to flash your... er....

Audience: Dirtypillows?

Me: Sweet Stephen King reference.

Audience: Thanks!

Me: AND NO. There will be no flashing today. Or... like... ever.

You: Fiddly never.

Audience: DAMMIT.

VO Kamren: But seriously, why did your desk go all Mardi Gras? Are you really that big a fan of it?

Me: It's a lot better than stupid Valentine's Day.

You: Yeah, Annabelle. If there have to be decorations, they might as well be GOOD decorations.

Me: And Mardi Gras has such a rich tradition, ya know? It's not just an excuse to throw like a three-day party all over town--

You: Although it's fiddly a GREAT excuse to do just that.

Me: Amen, sister. But it's a celebration of life with religious connotations and a decidedly pagan follow-thru. Everyone just GOES for it. Kinda "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow... is Ash Wednesday and we gotta give stuff up."

You: Lent, right?

Me: Fiddly.

Audience: Psst. We have beads.

You: NO.

Me: Wait. Like... you just randomly carry beads around?

Audience: ...We can GET beads.

VO Kamren: BUT WHY ARE THERE DECORATIONS??

Me: Must you yell?

You: Fiddly rude.

VO Kamren: No one's answering my question!

Me: We're talking about something, here. Let us have our thing.

You: Right? We have a topic; we're talking about it. That's our job. Let us do it.

Audience: Seriously, dude. Back off.

VO Kamren: ...But...?

Me: Plus, you know the food during Mardi Gras has to be AMAZING.

You: Right?? Fat Tuesday alone would be worth at least half of the accidentally-getting-flashed-just-by-walking-by.

Audience: When is Mardi Gras again?

You: UGH.

Me: I wanna learn how to make jambalaya.

You: I'm sure there are recipes on-line.

Me: Yeah, but I wanna learn REAL jambalaya. Tricks like using stale beer and secret spices and the exact right kind of sausage.

Audience: Bow chicka--

Me: DO NOT SULLY JAMBALAYA WITH YOUR FILTH.

You: ...Whoa.

VO Kamren: Right??

Me: Sorry. I can't help it. The band I used to sing with did weekly gigs at a local Cajun place, and they had the best jambalaya I've ever eaten. Soooooo good, with that perfect amount of spice that's heat and flavor without burning your face off. I wanna make THAT.

You: What would you do with it if you did?

Me: Serve it with rice, of course.

You: No, I mean... wait... heh. Heheh.

Me: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

You: ...*snicker*... Sorry. Go on.

Me: What's funny?

You: Nothing. *giggle* Just... go on with your thing. If I know you, you'll be talking about beignets next.

Me: ...Dammit. Now I wanna talk about beignets. But no. What's so funny?

You: *eyeroll* I just... had a funny thought. When you talked about serving it with rice?

Me: ...Rice is funny?

You: *snicker*. No.

Me: ...Then why are you snickering??

You: I just... heheh... who talks about serving things outside of a restaurant?

Me: How else would I say it? "I guess I'd just dump it over some rice and call it good"?

VO Kamren: *looks at audience* Any idea what's happening right now?

Audience: Nope. Not a clue.

You: I just... for a second when you said it, I had this image of you in, like, '50s Mom clothes, serving your darling husband a plate of jambalaya and rice.

Me: Okay, that's disturbing. I'm in Doc Martins, here.

You: Exactly! It's just so... not you! SERVING. Just... heheheheheh.

Me: Just...?

You: In my head, it wasn't like a Ward Cleaver-type sitting in the chair being served.

Me: ...Dare I ask?

Audience: Dare! Dare!!

You: *snickergiggle* It was a life-size cardboard cut-out of Rob.

Me: *gobsmacked*

VO Kamren: *confused*

Audience: Was he naked?

You: *thwaps them* Don't ruin my funny!

Audience: Ow! Sorry!

Me: DAMMIT, WOMAN! Now I have that image in my head forever! Why would you do that to me??

You: I would soooo get you one if I could! You could, like, sit it in your recliner and talk to it.

Me: *facepalm* Good God, Lori, you are so, so wrong!

You: *cracks up*

Me: And how would I explain it when my family comes to visit?

You: *helpless giggles*

Me: ...Wait. Wait, no, this could work. Heheh, I'd just talk to it like he was really there and freak them right the hell out.

You: Right?? *giggles all the more* Take it to George's restaurant and set it up across from you and order for it.

Me: *snickersnort* "I'll have the special. Rob, precious? How do you want your filet? Medium? You have good taste, sir."

You: "Can I cut your steak for you, honey? You're all thumbs tonight."

Me: *cracks up*

You: Right?? *cackles*

Audience: ...How would she get it there, though?

Me: *laughs harder*

You: Oh, man! I can see you driving around down with this stupid cardboard cut-out propped up in the passenger seat!!

Me: Ha! And me singing along with the radio, just jamming out, looking over once in a while like I'm checking to see if he likes the music, too!

You: *falls over laughing* Perfect! My God, it's perfect!

Me: *almost falls out of chair laughing* Gotta stop! Can't breathe!

VO Kamren: ...So does she have a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Rob or not?

Audience: We're thinking no.

VO Kamren: Okay.

You: *still laughing but winding down*

Me: *gasping and chuckling weakly*

Audiene: *shuffles restlessly*

VO Kamren: So... I guess we're done? I'm honestly not sure what happened. At all. Like, this whole episode.

You: 'M good.

Me: God, I'm so done. My stomach hurts.

VO Kamren: No one's gonna tell me why your desk was decorated in the first place, are they?

Me: And that's our cue to leave. Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: Camera?

Camera: *stops rolling*

Me: That's a wrap, folks. I need to go research super-secret jambalaya recipes.

You: And I need to research how much it'll cost to have a life-size cardboard cut-out printed and delivered.

VO Kamren: UGH. What just happened??

-FADE OUT-


	40. Episode 40

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone!

You: Yeah, whatever.

Me: Sooooo glad it's Friday. Weekend, take me away!

You: I thought that was Calgon.

Me: It was, but Calgon wasn't gettin it done.

You: ...Okay, then.

VO Kamren: You guys got plans for the weekend?

Audience: *leans forward eagerly*

You: Actually, I do.

Audience: ...We're not sure if we're fascinated or pissed off.

You: You should probably go for pissed off.

Me: Uh-oh. Another date?

You: *blushes* Another... amount of time spent together.

Me: Actually, I appreciate that distinction. Whatcha got planned, if you don't mind saying?

You: Nothing much. Just... we're going on a walk together.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*suddenly feels better*

You: What?

Me: Like... exercise?

You: No! *thwaps* A Nature walk. A nice, quiet, relaxing, romantic Nature walk. *happy sigh*

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*gets smug*

You: What now??

Me: Lori, darlin... you hate Nature.

You: I do not!

VO Kamren: Oh, yes. Yes, you do.

Audience: You've made that pretty clear.

You: I have not!

Me: You hate bugs. You hate birds. You hate WEATHER. You don't like being outside.

VO Kamren: Ya know... where Nature is.

You: *fumes* Rude! I like LOOKING at Nature, alright? I DON'T like when it attacks!

VO Kamren: Isn't that... kinda what Nature does? Attack?

Me: And what if it's less a quiet, relaxing Nature walk and more of a hike? Because if it's a hike, you're gonna get all out of breath and sweaty.

Audience: *opens mouth*

Me: And not in the good way.

Audience: *closes mouth*

You: Stop that! It's going to be a lovely, slow, non-sweaty walk while looking at harmless, non-threatening Nature! Why are you trying to ruin it??

Me: We're not! We're just... surprised.

VO Kamren: Confused.

Audience: Downright perplexed.

You: Now I'm gonna be all nervous, guys!

Me: Aw, c'mon. Don't be nervous. Just... ya know... wear extra deodorant, just in case.

VO Kamren: And bug spray.

You: Ugh! Hate you guys! So what's the big plan for YOUR weekend, Mols?

Me: Me? I'm planning to sleep. Like, a lot.

You: No, I mean for your--

Me: My insomnia? Yup. Lots and lots of sleep. *glares* And maybe watch some movies.

You: *glares back*

VO Kamren: *looks at audience* Any idea...?

Audience: Nope.

You: I'm sure you have SOMETHING planned for tomorrow, at least.

Me: If you must know, I wouldn't be surprised if my dad and sister and nieces happened to be in town and hungry, although I haven't heard from them about it.

VO Kamren: Don't they live kinda far away?

You: Yes. Yes, they do.

VO Kamren: Then why would they happen to be in town?

Me: I'm gonna blame ley lines and subliminal messages for that one. So what are your plans, Annabelle? Lori's got a sweaty hiking date. What about you?

You: NOT A SWEATY HIKING DATE.

Audience: Are ley lines anything to do with getting laid?

Me: No.

Audience: Figures.

VO Kamren: I don't really have anything planned. I was thinking I might look into getting tickets to a game somewhere, but it's still kinda chilly for outside stuff.

You: Are you kidding? It's gonna be like 70 tomorrow.

Me: If you trust the weather man.

You: *glares* I DO. The weather will be fine!

VO Kamren: Oh... kaaaay.... Or I might see what's playing at the theater. I haven't seen a movie in ages.

Me: I am shocked to hear that. This is my shocked face.

You: It looks remarkably the same as your not-shocked face.

Me: Right?

VO Kamren: Ha ha.

Audience: If we mentioned the O face here, would we be maimed horribly?

Us: YES.

Audience: Just checking.

Me: ANYWAY. You don't look too thrilled with your choices thus far, wombat. What's the problem?

VO Kamren: *sigh* Honestly?

You: Sure. Why not?

VO Kamren: Okay, honestly, I'd kinda like to just get away for the weekend. Go somewhere, rent a hotel room, and order some room service or something. Not have to do anything, really, but relax.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...Guys?

Me: That actually... sounds kind of nice.

VO Kamren: *is instantly suspicious*

You: It kinda does. I mean... who doesn't like room service? And I could just kick back with my phone and Facebook while watching free cable.

Me: Right? Except the facebook thing.

VO Kamren: *narrows eyes* Are you guys making fun of me?

You: No! It actually sounds like a great way to spend the weekend.

Me: Man, if I could afford it, I'd do that in a heartbeat. Just find somewhere kinda picturesque, rent a room, and crash out of easy contact for two days. Lounge around the room in my PJs and read and, I dunno, watch movies or something. I wouldn't even try to write.

Audience: ...Not gonna lie. That sounds awesome.

Me: It fiddly does.

VO Kamren: ...*twitches*...

You: Kamren?

VO Kamren: ...*fidgets*...

Me: You okay there, wombat?

VO Kamren: ...I just... you guys....

Me: *whispered aside to Lori* Is he okay? He kinda looks like the dude on Scanners just before his head explodes.

You: *whispered aside to Me* No idea what you're talking about, and no idea if he's okay.

VO Kamren: ...Just... you guys NEVER like my ideas. WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS??

You: Awwwwww.

Me: *rueful headshake*

Audience: *hangs head and shuffles feet*

You: We're sorry, Annabelle. You usually like lame stuff.

Me: Er... what she means is that we usually have such varied interests that it's hard for us all to agree that any one idea sounds good.

You: Nope. I said what I meant.

Me: *sigh*

VO Kamren: So... you really think I had a good idea?

Me: I sure do.

You: This once, yes.

Audience: We're already looking up hotel fares.

VO Kamren: *glows* I love this show. Today. Today, I love this show.

Me: I like the qualification. *snerk*

VO Kamren: Okay okay, so let's fade out before something ruins this moment.

You: Mols, should we give him this one?

Me: Might as well. I kinda felt like a jerk when he told us why he was so suspicious.

Audience: Us, too.

You: Good enough. So... that's all for today, folks!

Me: Have a good weekend!

Audience: Chillax in your PJs!

VO Kamren: And, most importantly, order room service!

-FADE OUT-


	41. Episode 41

VO Kamren: Hello, everyone! Welcome back to The Show!

You: You are WAY too excited for a Monday morning.

Me: Right? He doesn't even drink caffeine. How can he be this chipper?

Audience: *yaaaaawwwwwwwwwns*

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon, guys! It's a brand new week. How was everyone's weekend?

You: Well, An-- er... the guy wasn't feeling well, so we didn't end up going on our walk.

Me: That's a shame.

You: We did get together later and talked, so it wasn't a complete bust.

Me: That's good, then.

Audience: *shuffles and kicks a rock* Says you.

Me: It was hella windy, anyway. You'd have probably spent the whole walk looking like a mime.

You: Ha ha. *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: How about you, Mols? Did your dad and sister "happen" to be in town?

Me: Dad did, but my sister couldn't get away. Three daughters with three different sets of interests and obligations keep her entirely too busy. *sigh* But Dad and I did go to George's and had ambrosia lunch, then went to a movie. It was nice.

You: What'd you see?

Me: Into the Woods. I really enjoyed it. Even Dad got a kick out of it, and he's the "Westerns and war movies" type.

You: Meh.

Me: Huh. I thought you'd be more interested. It's a musical, ya know.

You: *shrug* My mom wants to see it, so I'll probably end up watching it at some point, but I'm not, like, dying for it.

Me: I can dig that. What about you, wombat? How was your weekend? Did you get to have your quiet getaway?

VO Kamren: *sigh* Nope. I ended up feeling crummy all weekend, so I just stayed home and tried to rest.

You: *dons plague mask*

Me: *covers mouth* Are you sick, dude?

VO Kamren: ...Not really?

Me: *dons plague mask* We need egg drop soup, stat!

Audience: *sigh* We're on it. *whips out phones*

Me: So... anything else interesting happen this weekend? I feel like we need a topic or something.

VO Kamren: *coughs* Sorry, guys. I got nothin. I was hoping you'd interrupt me and run with it, like you usually do.

Me: *sheepish* Sorry?

You: Well... I found out Nate's putting out a solo album.

Me: Really? Nice! You'll be all over that.

You: *sigh*

Me: ...You... WON'T be all over that?

You: Oh, I will. I just....

Me: ...?

You: While I was looking for details about it, I found out that it's gonna be love songs. Because he's dating.

Me: Oh. Huh.

VO Kamren: That sucks. *coughs*

Audience: Uh-oh. We got this. We need iced tea, flannel PJs, and stuff for a foot massage.

You: *eyeroll* It's not that big a deal, guys. It's not like I thought there was a chance, anyway. We've talked about this.

Me: Yeah, but still. It feels weird to daydream about someone when they're publically attached, ya know?

You: Exactly. I mean, I still love his music and his hair and that adorable lip, but yeah. I'll fiddly be dialing it back.

Me: And you'll still get the album when it comes out.

You: Absolutely! Nate writing and singing love songs? I am SO in.

Me: I'm just glad Rob doesn't tweet about whether or not he's dating.

You: Right? Let us have our dreams, guys!

Audience: Okay, the delivery guy's here with soup, and we're all set up for a footrub. Let's get to it.

Me: ...Is it just me, or are they being, like, super-efficient today?

You: ...Not just you. They haven't said anything pervy at all, and... soup? Footrubs without a single skeevy innuendo?

VO Kamren: Mmm. Soup. *sniffles*

Me: Seriously. Who are you and what have you done with our audience?

Audience: Uuuhhhmmmm... Kamren's mom is hot?

You: *narrows eyes*

Audience: ...Bow chicka bow wow?

Me: *narrows eyes* What are you clownshoes up to?

Audience: Nothing! Can't we just be nice?

You: You guys? No.

Audience: Rude.

Me: Just tell us already!

Audience: FINE! We can't perv on her when she's dating some guy, okay?? Sheesh!

You: ...*blinks*

Me: ...*blinks*

VO Kamren: ...*slurps soup, oblivious*

Audience: *huffs*

Me: So... like... you're kinda in the same boat as she is. You found out she's dating, so you're uncomfortable making it weird.

Audience: YES. Sheesh. Can we stop talking about it now?

You: ...Guys?

Audience: What??

You: ...That's really sweet of you. Thank you.

Audience: ...Really?

You: Yes. Really.

Audience: Awwwwww. *blushes and kicks a rock*

Me: Okay, now it's just getting saccharine all up in here, so I think that's probably enough for today.

You: Yeah, we should probably quit while we're ahead.

Audience: We're good with that.

VO Kamren: *still slurping soup*

Me: ...At least he's happy?

You: Poor kid. So... done?

Me: Done. Lights?

Lights: *dim*

VO Kamren: ...*doesn't notice*

You: Let's just... leave him to it.

Me: Yeah. He's... having a moment. With his soup.

You: We really gotta get that kid a girlfriend.

Me: Right??

-FADE OUT-


	42. Episode 42

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everybody!

You: Feeling better, then?

VO Kamren: *cooouuuughs*

Me: That's a no.

VO Kamren: I'm fine. Let's do this thing.

Audience: ...We're not offering to rub your feet, dude.

Me: ...AWKWARD.

You: Right??

VO Kamren: WEIRD. Just... let's get to the topic, right? *shuffles papers*

You: Uh-oh. Is the clippy thing broken?

VO Kamren: *blows nose* No. I just don't have the brain power to use it today.

Me: That's sad.

VO Kamren: Here it is! *waves a page triumphantly* The topic is relaxation techniques.

You: Haven't we done that one already?

Me: It's ringing a bell somewhere. Maybe one of us was sick or...?

VO Kamren: Don't care. It's what's in my hand, so it's what we're talking about. Go!

Me: I guess I just had a pretty relaxing lunch.

You: Oh, yeah? What'd you do?

Me: Ate leftover bacon mac and cheese and read a couple of favorite Deadpool comics.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: You know, the ones where he joins up with the Secret Avengers, but it turns out after he's accidentally antagonized them that they're just inferior clones of the REAL Secret Avengers, so when the real Steve Rogers shows up to lay the smack down, Deadpool's all "Why ya doin me like this, bro??" and they beat the crap out of each other until Dr. Bong blows the whole place up--

You: Doctor WHAT now??

Me: --so he ends up working with the REAL Secret Avengers this time to take out the army of regenerating clones and stop Dr. Bong from... anyway. I get such a kick out of it because Deadpool's exactly like I would be if Captain America was standing in front of me. All I'd be able to think is "Dude punched Hitler!!", too.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: It's funnier now that I'm picturing Chris Evans having to sit in Deadpool's lap in that tiny little car so Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow doesn't have to.

You: ...I have no idea what any of that was.

VO Kamren: ...I'm, like, the opposite of relaxed right now, but without being excited. At all.

Audience: ...Harsh. But we kinda know what you mean.

Me: Ugh. Okay, then what does it for you guys?

You: You guys know all my comfort stuff. Chicken and dumplings, flannel PJs, quiet music.

Me: What about, like, ambient noise?

You: What, like those white noise generators that put out static sounds?

Me: Well, those, but I'm more thinking about rain sounds or waterfalls or whatever.

You: Yeah, yeah. I could do that. That might be relaxing.

Me: Because I found this website this weekend where you can calibrate to your speakers and your own hearing levels to get the most out of the sound, and they have all sorts of ambient sound packages.

VO Kamren: Still not excited.

You: Wombat, you wanted to talk about relaxation techniques. How excited did you plan to be?

VO Kamren: ...Touché. *cough*

Audience: You fiddly asked for it, dude.

VO Kamren: Cut me some slack. I'm thinking with snot, here.

Audience: ...Granted.

Me: My favorite ones I found just on a quick go-through were the Tibetan Choir drone and the Temple Bells & Windchimes theme. Both were very soothing. I probably could've meditated to either one, but I sat in the recliner with a cup of tea and read, instead. It was lovely.

You: I might like the windchimes one. Was it, like, sporadic wind-blowing windchimes or a constant thing? Because I don't think I'd like it constant. It'd probably get annoying.

Me: It was pretty constant, but interspersed with deeper bell sounds and an underlying drone. You might give it a listen. They also had a Canyon Drone that you might try. It's like the wind rising and falling through a contained space.

You: Maybe. I wish they could, like, combine the two. I'd really like to feel like I'm sitting at an open window on a nice, quiet day, the occasional gentle breeze making the windchimes tinkle softly.

Me: That site actually lets you combine up to five sounds together, so you might be able to get that.

You: Sweet!

Audience: *whips out phones to search*

VO Kamren: What about, like... beach sounds?

Me: Yes! They have a couple of those, too. One was just waves and water sounds, and the other was like wind and distant gulls and the like.

VO Kamren: That would be nice. I could fiddly just zone out to that. *sniffles*

You: Me, too, actually. Sounds peaceful.

Me: Heck yeah. They have, like, jungle sounds or waterfall sounds, rain sounds, whatever. They have one that's Distant Thunder, but it's locked for paying users for a while before they release it to us freeloaders.

You: That one might be nice mixed with the rain sounds one.

Me: Right? I could listen all night.

You: Too bad I don't really have a computer at home. Most of my listening has to be on my phone.

Me: Eh, most sites know people live on their mobiles nowadays. There's probably--

Audience: *waves phones triumpantly* There's an app for that!!

You: ...Really? You had to go there?

Me: And you had to interrupt me to say it?

Audience: *pouts* We wanted to say it first.

Me: Rude.

You: *headshake*

Audience: *kicks a rock*

VO Kamren: So... we talked about a topic and no one died or was grossed out.

You: Right? It feels like something's missing.

Me: Like on the rare occasion when Kenny doesn't die in a South Park episode.

Audience: *wibbles* We're not Kenny, are we?

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: Huh. Kinda figured... something would happen there.

Me: Disappointing.

VO Kamren: There went any relaxation we might've felt from the topic.

Audience: Yay! We didn't die!

Me: Well, the lights aren't off ye--

Lights: *dim*

Me: ...Nice. Reeeeal nice.

Lights: *flash brightly before dimming again*

VO Kamren: I guess that's our cue.

You: Until next time, folks!

Me: Get down with your beach sound!

You: ...

Me: Not catchy enough?

You: Meh.

Me: Whatever.

-FADE OUT-


	43. Episode 43

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Feeling better, wombat?

VO Kamren: Sure.

Me: Sounds legit. Uh... don't breathe on me, okay?

VO Kamren: Can do.

Me: No, DON'T do.

VO Kamren: That's what I meant.

Audience: Who's on first.

Me: Third base!

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: Shaddup. The audience gets it.

Audience: *highfives Me*

VO Kamren: Whatever. We need a topic.

You: I need to talk about something besides Nate for a while. Still kinda makes me melancholy.

Me: Nice lexicon!

You: ...Thanks?

Me: *highfives* Ya know, something struck me the other day when I realized we were up to the forties in episodes again.

You: Did it hurt?

Me: ...?

You: Whatever struck you.

Audience: Heheh.

Me: Oh. Sorry. Tired grizzly, here.

You: Yeah. I'm kind of a sad panda today, myself.

VO Kamren: Does that make me a happy wombat?

You: *narrows eyes* Are you happy?

VO Kamren: ...Yeah? I think?

Me: Well, if you're happy and ya know it... keep that shit to yourself so the rest of us can stew in our funk.

VO Kamren: ...Okay.

Audience: Seriously, dude. Keep that happy-crappy in check.

VO Kamren: *wide-eyed*

You: Anyway, you were saying?

Me: What was I-- oh, yeah. It struck me that, even though we're close to wrapping up this season, we haven't had any guest appearances, and other than the whole Shadowclave debacle, we really haven't had anything out of the ordinary happen.

You: Huh. That's... weird?

VO Kamren: Or... is it normal? Weren't the, like, ghosts and aliens the weird stuff?

Me: For us? Nah. That's par for the course for us. Which is why I noticed the lack. The lack of the unusual is unusual. For us.

You: But there WAS the whole Shadowclave thing. Even though our execs are clearly delusional whackos, that surely counts as... well, unusual, right?

Me: I guess. And I'm not putting that whole "they'll come through the door and destroy all life" thing to the test, even if we wouldn't all get axed by the execs if we tried to get away.

You: Probably the safest bet.

VO Kamren: Do you not remember letting the studio guests possess you?

Audience: *trembles* We do.

Me: Oh, right! Yeah, forgot about that one. Mostly because I had no memory of it happening, even at the time.

VO Kamren: Oh. Right. Huh.

You: So... what brought this on?

Me: I dunno. I was just thinking we ought to have something supernatural happen to kinda... I dunno... balance out the whonkiness of last season, but I guess we already kinda have.

VO Kamren: ...I hate to ask....

Audience: Don't do it, dude.

VO Kamren: ...but....

You: Wombat, watch yourself.

VO Kamren: ...what "out of the ordinary" were you hoping to see?

You: KAMREN ANNABELLE WOMBAT.

VO Kamren: What??

Me: SO glad you asked. *rubs hands together*

Audience: Oh, there she goes. Everybody duck and cover!

Me: *sings* Vampires with bloodlust and werewolves in tatters.

You: *closes eyes and shakes head*

Me: *sings* Shambling corpses that starve for brain matter.

VO Kamren: *wibbles*

Me: *sings* Foul rabid creatures that drool acid strings--

You: Gross!

Me: *sings* These are a few of my favorite things!

Audience: Julie Andrews just rolled over in her grave.

You: Julie Andrews isn't dead. Is she?

Audience: THAT'S WHY IT'S SCARY.

VO Kamren: Okay! That's enough of that! I am so, SO sorry I asked.

Me: Aw! But I had a whole second and third verse ready! And that's not counting when I take it to the bridge!

You: NO. That's more than enough!

Me: *pouts*

Audience: *trembles*

You: Kamren, bring us back on track.

VO Kamren: I got nuthin. That... pretty much knocked me off my stride.

Me: I got more!

You: No! Seriously. Let's just... call this a short episode or something and get out of here before she, like, summons something to sing back-up.

Me: That is the best idea ever!

VO Kamren: *thwaps You* LORI! Stop giving her ideas!

You: I'm sorry! It just popped out!

VO Kamren: Well, that's all the time we have for today! If we value our safety, we'll all run away right now!

Audience: *is already gone*

You: ...How did they...?

VO Kamren: Since when is the audience ninjas??

Me: Oh! We need to have a ninja on the show! I wanna do an interview!

You: Oh, God. Kamren? We're done, right?

VO Kamren: Lights? Please dim!

Lights: *don't change an iota*

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: *fistbumps at the ceiling* Thanks, buddy! You always got my back.

Lights: *flicker twice*

You: That's it. I'm done. See ya next time.

VO Kamren: Yeah. I'll just... *gestures at the door*

Me: *whines* Guuuuuuuuyyyyyyys!!

Everyone else: *leaves on the run*

Me: *pouts*

Lights: *dim in sympathy*

Me: Right? They never let me have any fun. *kicks a rock*

Camera: *kicks it back*

Me: Thanks, guys. At least I can talk to you.

Lights: *flicker*

Camera: *whirs*

Me: Good times, good times.

-FADE OUT-


	44. Episode 44

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show!

You: 'Sup?

Me: Whaddup?

VO Kamren: So, since our audience up and turned ninja on us after the last episode--

Audience: *sits silent in all black*

VO Kamren: --I thought it might be okay to talk about ninjas today.

Me: Eeeee!

You: Ugh. You got squee on me.

Me: Oh, hush. Didn't you say the new guy does karate?

You: *blushes* So?

Me: So you'd better get ready for the occasional shinobi conversation.

Audience: *sits unblinking*

VO Kamren: So... ninjas?

You: *eyeroll* All I know about ninjas is that they wear all black and have a bunch of weird weapons and turn up in bad, old kung fu movies.

Me: Lemme stop you right there.

You: Oh, goodie. *eyeroll*

Me: First off, there's no such thing as an old, bad kung fu movie. Even the ATROCIOUS ones are at least fun to watch drunk.

Audience: *stirs the slightest bit in agreement*

You: Mols, seriously. Some of that stuff is just old and bad.

Me: Different strokes for different folks.

You: STOP USING THAT WORD! Ugh!

Me: *snerk*

VO Kamren: Different? What's wrong with different? I thought different was good.

Me: She meant str--

You: STOP.

Me: Oh, fine. Anyway, secondly, ninjas didn't go around wearing black.

Audience: *drops the guise* Wuh??

Me: The ninja were rumored to be the most effective and deadly assassins on earth. They'd stick out like a sore thumb if they went around wearing black all the time. For the most part, they dressed in whatever clothing best blended them in so they could get close to their target.

VO Kamren: Then where'd the whole ninjas-in-black-pajamas thing come from?

Me: You won't believe me when I tell you.

You: Ugh. It's so not important enough to disbelieve. Just spit it out.

Audience: That's what she said.

You: *peppersprays them* No! Bad audience!

Audience: Aaaack! Our eyes! The costume covers everything else so it all went there!! *weeps*

Me: ANYWAY, the whole ninjas-in-black thing actually came from the theatre.

You: ...How...?

Me: Old-timey special effects, dude. It was a convention of the time that the stage hands and certain "performers" would wear all black to manipulate the stage environment and the audience would just mentally agree that they weren't there. They'd move stuff around on the stage or whatever, and the audience would pretend it was magic or godly power or whatever the script called for, but it was really just some dude in black clothes.

VO Kamren: That is... just... disappointing.

Me: *shrug* Sorry? Just settin ya strimsky.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: Setting you straight, I think.

Me: *touches nose* And third, about the weird weapons? It's kind of in the same boat as the black pajamas. They didn't have weird weapons, per se. Just whatever they needed to get the job done. They were assassins, not samurai or soldiers who wore their weapons as a sign of station or allegiance. And don't get me started on samurai, because that's just another batch of rumor and hookum that's dying for a good debunking.

VO Kamren: *headshake*

Audience: *rips off ninja costumes*

You: Oh, God! Make them stop-- oh, whew. They're wearing clothes under. Thank God.

Audience: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS??

Me: Do what?

You: I'm guessing the whole "ruin everything someone else likes" thing.

Audience: Yes! That! *drops a pile of throwing stars on the floor*

VO Kamren: Oh, I can tell already someone's gonna step on those later. *headshake*

Me: Shuriken? Really? Can you even throw them with enough strength that they'll puncture? Are they sharpened?

Audience: STOP RUINING OUR DREAMS, DEVIL WOMAN!!

Me: Can't help it.

You: You do kinda do that alot, Mols.

Me: Doin what I can with what I got. *shrug* Just call me the realism fairy.

You: ...Why would I do that?

Me: Well, when most fairies wave their wands, beautiful things erupt, like rainbows and flowers and sunshine and butterflies.

VO Kamren: And... when you wave your wand?

Me: Shit gets real.

You: *closes eyes and shakes head*

Audience: Worst. Fairy. Ever.

You: So did ninjas even use karate? I'm kinda guessing "no", at this point.

Me: Can I tell you a little secret?

Audience: NO!

You: Sure. Whatever.

Me: There's no historical evidence that ninjas ever actually existed.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*whimpers*

Me: Sorry, guys. I mean, you could say that they're just so covert that they've made themselves rumor in order to make it easier to do their jobs, but there's basically no evidence of a cutthroat network of assassins charging a hundred pieces of gold for a human life.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*whimpers*

Me: As far as history is concerned, any assassinations attributed to ninja activity were just... assassinations. Carried out by your everyday, average murderer-for-hire, not by some vast, shadowy organization of super-skilled super-secret ninjas.

You: ...Yeah, but do they do karate?

Me: *facepalm* I'd say it's more that they were skilled in multiple martial arts to better able handle whatever fighting style they needed on the rare occasion that they didn't just straight up kill a fool.

You: ...Huh.

VO Kamren: ...So... now that the person I thought would be most excited to talk about ninjas has crapped all over them....

Me: *tips nonexistant hat*

VO Kamren: ...Are we done?

You: Honestly, I wasn't really interested in the first place, but yeah.

Audience: *crosses arms and stomps feet*

Me: *waits for it*

Audience: ...OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!! *tries to yank throwing stars out of feet*

VO Kamren: Fiddly called it.

Me: That... was worth this entire conversation.

You: Heh. Gotta admit. That was pretty funny.

Audience: *jumps around trying to remove shuriken, only to keep stepping on more*

VO Kamren: Still is.

Me: Agreed.

Camera: *gets it all*

VO Kamren: WE ARE SO SELLING THIS ON THE INTERNET AND MAKING A FORTUNE.

You: *shrug* Whatever. I want a copy, though.

Me: Right?? We can tell everyone it's the _Ninja Assassin_ parody we've all been waiting for!

Audience: *now has weaponry sticking out of feet, legs, butts, arms, etc.* MAKE IT STOOOOOPPPPP!! *weeps*

VO Kamren: Best. Episode. Ever.

Me: Amen, man. Amen.

You: *lifts Diet Coke in tribute*

-FADE OUT-


	45. Episode 45

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Hey.

Me: *waves*

You: Mols?

Me: Yeah?

You: Why are your hands all bandaged up?

Me: *sheepish*

Audience: *sheepish*

You: I mean, I get why the audience looks like a patchwork quilt, but...?

Me: I... kinda stayed late last night helping to remove all the throwing stars and rendering a little first aid.

VO Kamren: Aw, that was nice of you.

Me: Honestly, I was afraid they'd bleed to death and the execs would import an even weirder, pervier audience to replace them.

You: The devil you know is better than the devil you don't?

Me: Exactly.

Audience: *shuffles and winces painfully*

You: So your hands are all cut up?

Me: *grin* Turns out, they DID sharpen them.

You: *winces*

VO Kamren: *winces*

Audience: *shrugs and winces* Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Me: As do so many things.

You: Yeesh. So... topic?

VO Kamren: It would seem appropriate to talk about injuries. What's the worst injury you've ever had?

You: ...

Me: ...Well?

You: You first.

Me: Nope.

You: You NEVER go first.

Me: Exactly. So go.

You: Not this time. It's your turn. You're going.

Me: *huffs*

Audience: *shifts* ...We sprouted a leak.

VO Kamren: *sigh* I got it. Where's the first aid kit?

You: MOLS.

Me: FINE. I mean, I've had plenty of injuries over the years. What are we classifying as "worst"? I mean, I cracked my kneecap as a kid, and that still effects me. I was in a schoolbus that rolled down a ravine, and THAT still effects me. Plus, I'm pretty sure I got a concussion from that one, but I didn't want to stay overnight in the hospital, so I refused to throw up every time I sat up or stood up.

VO Kamren: Uh... pretty sure those count as "worst" injuries.

You: Right??

Me: Honestly, the one that probably hurt the most was the time I broke the tip off my elbow.

You: Ooooh! *cringes*

VO Kamren: Yeowch! *cringes*

Audience: That is just... *cringes... bleeds*

Me: Yup. I don't remember the quality of the pain, but I do remember that I couldn't stop screaming, and that was a very big deal because I've never, EVER been a screamer or even much of a cryer.

You: *shudders* We'll... yeah, we'll call that a winner.

VO Kamren: Of the worst prize ever.

Me: ...Sweet? Okay, now I've done my one and only "go first" round. Somebody else go.

You: Kamren?

VO Kamren: No way. You first.

You: Ugh. The problem is... I haven't really been hurt all that much. I was usually too scared to do anything too risky.

Me: What, like you never rode a bike or anything?

You: Oh, hey! That's right! I did have a pretty awful bike wreck once. I'm still not really sure how it happened, but I remember there being a lot of blood and that I lost, like, the corner of my big toe. It was awful. My neighbors at the end of the road had to walk me home.

Me: Now we're talkin! See? That's a good one.

You: ...Good?

Me: Hey, like the song says, everybody hurts. It's character-building.

Audience: Puts hair on your chest.

You: Gross! *peppersprays them*

Audience: *weeps* IT'S GETTING IN ALL THE CUTS!!

Me: Oh, that's... that's just bad. *headshake*

You: Not as bad as this giant splinter I got shoved under my fingernail. It got all infected and awful and I had to have surgery to remove the nail.

VO Kamren: Gross!

You: Kept it and the splinter in a jar for a while.

Me: Nice!

VO Kamren: Not nice! Gross!

Me: Eh, some people keep their tonsils.

VO Kamren: *shudders*

You: Besides, it's not like I still have it.

Audience: WHY DOES IT STILL BURN SO BAD??

Me: *sigh* I'm on it. A little rubbing alcohol will keep their minds off the pepper spray.

You: Oh, Mols.

Me: And it's Kamren's turn.

VO Kamren: Me? Huh. Well... I guess there was that time I was horseback riding and somehow, the horse ended up rolling over me and the stirrup almost ripped my big toe off.

You: Ow! Geez!

Me: *winces while first aiding*

VO Kamren: They ended up having to freeze it off. It was pretty bad.

You: Wait, so... you're missing a big toe??

VO Kamren: What? No! A toenail, not the whole toe.

You: OH. Well, you said it almost ripped off your toe, then said they had to freeze it off. I didn't hear the word "nail" at all.

VO Kamren: Oh. Sorry.

Me: *finishes rebandaging* So, apparently we're all walking deathtraps. Kinda nice to know I'm not the only one.

Audience: *is more mummified than before* Can't you just give us a magic potion or something?

Me: *eyeroll* I. Am not. A witch.

Audience: *cries*

You: I wouldn't say we're deathtraps so much as "human beings".

Me: And human beings are fragile, squishy meatbags.

You: ...I wouldn't put it QUITE like that, but... yeah.

VO Kamren: Okay, so we talked about a topic. A gross, messy topic, but a topic.

Me: Yup.

You: And nobody died.

Audience: Not for lack of trying! *sits very, very still*

Lights: *flash brightly enough to pop one overhead*

Audience: *shrieks like little girls and jumps out of seats... bleeds*

Me: *covers mouth to hide a laugh*

You: *sigh* Was that really necessary, lights ghost?

VO Kamren: I'm not cleaning that up.

Lights: *adjust to a pleasant, somehow smug level*

Me: *secret thumbs-up at the ceiling*

Audience: Lori! Help us!

You: Do what now??

Me: It IS your turn.

You: UGH. I soooo don't do first aid.

Audience: *bleeds*

Me: Awwww, look at 'em.

VO Kamren: You can't just let them suffer, can you?

Audience: *makes with the pity-me eyes*

You: FINE! But one wrong move, and I will get creative with the nursing tape. Got it?

Audience: Got it.

You: Ugh. *first aids*

Me: So... we done for the day?

VO Kamren: I really think we'd better be done before the audience bleeds themselves out.

Me: Or the camera ghost decides to join in the fun.

VO Kamren: That, too.

You: This was soooo not in my job description.

Me: What, like preventing an army of shadow monsters from entering the world was?

You: ...Shaddup.

-FADE OUT-


	46. Episode 46

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to a hopefully-less-bloody episode of The Show!

Audience: We've scabbed over. We're good.

You: Uuugggghhhh. I just vomited a little in my mouth.

Me: *shrug* Whatevs.

You: Seriously. You guys are killing me with your scabs and your strokes and your paper. Stop grossing me out!

VO Kamren: Ya know, it's funny you should mention that.

Me: Mention what? Scabs, strokes, or paper?

You: HATE YOU. HATE YOU ALL.

Audience: We'd like it noted for the record that we didn't repeat any of those words.

You: Still hate you.

Audience: Dammit.

VO Kamren: Um, I meant pet peeves. Because that's actually the topic I have written down.

You: How long is an episode again? Because this one's all mine.

Me: As far as I'm concerned, you have the floor.

You: ...Now I feel weird about it. You guys don't seem all that eager.

VO Kamren: *shrug* Not that many things bother me, I guess. People who do stupid things over and over without learning from it bother me. And people who are mean for the sake of being mean.

Me: Definitely. Those people suck. I have a problem with recalcitrant stupidity, too.

VO Kamren: ...Recal... what?

Me: What you said - people who don't learn from mistakes or at least try not to repeat them.

VO Kamren: Yeah. That. And... uuuuhhhh... oh! Animal abuse. That really, really bothers me.

You: Wombat, that's not a pet peeve. Animal abuse is a real problem, not a minor irritation.

VO Kamren: Still claiming it.

Me: *headshake*

Audience: What about audience abuse?

Me: Meh. We're okay with that.

Audience: RUDE.

You: What about you, Mols?

Me: Nope. I went first last time. I get last-sies forever now.

You: UGH. Talk about a pet peeve.

Me: Me going last is a pet peeve?

You: Grrrrr.

Audience: Foot rub?

You: No. Fine. So clearly, I hate certain words.

Me: Pseudo-suggestive ones like "moist" and "stroke". And "premature".

You: Ugh! So gross! Stop it!

Me: Sorry. Carry on.

You: And I definitely have a problem with stupid people doing stupid things repeatedly.

VO Kamren: Right? It's like a plague!

You: And you guys already know about my paper thing, but hot paper is especially horrible.

Me: ...Hot paper?

You: Like when it first comes out of the copier or the printer. *shudders*

Me: *headshake*

Audience: *takes notes*

You: And deadbeat dads. Oh, my God, I cannot stand deadbeat dads. If you didn't want kids, why didn't you keep it in your pants??

VO Kamren: ...Um... are you asking me?

You: Are you a deadbeat dad?

VO Kamren: No.

You: Then no. I'm not asking you. I'm asking all the douchebags out there who are in for the party but out for the clean-up.

Me: Okay, okay. Calm down. You're gonna have a stroke or som--

You: STOP USING THAT WORD!!

Me: I meant the medical condition!

You: *breathes heavily*

Audience: We're getting you a fresh Diet Coke! *flocks out the door*

VO Kamren: ...They're doing that more and more often.

Me: Right? I... guess we just... keep going?

You: I can do this ALL DAY. Like... little sounds drive me CRAZY. I just want to tell people to stop. Just STOP.

Me: Little sounds?

You: Like... biting your fingernails. That weird chomping sound. It just sends shudders down my back. Or flicking your fingernails. Or people who pop their gum. Or tap their pen on the desk. Can't everyone just, like, be quiet??

Me: That's where my headphones come into play. They block most of that ambient noise.

You: GGGGGRRRRRR.

Audience: Back! Did we make it in time?

You: *chugs Diet Coke* ...Better. A little.

Audience: Whew.

Me: Nicely done.

Audience: *is all chuffed now*

VO Kamren: So... I hate to ask, but... any more?

You: ...*drinks more Diet Coke*... I don't like people touching my fingernails.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*takes notes*

You: That's about it. I mean, in general. Some stuff is kinda day by day.

Me: Gotcha. *edges seat just out of arm's reach*

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: So what about you, Mols? Anything bother you besides repetitive stupidity and mean meanness?

Me: *considers* Well... casual disregard for others is a big one for me. Like how people seem to think their thoughts and feelings are the only ones that matter and say something that they wouldn't consider offensive or hurtful but totally is. And then are annoyed that someone took offense.

VO Kamren: *nods* That's a good one. I hate that, too.

You: Absolutely. Those people suck.

Me: Backstabby people. Fiddly a pet peeve, and a huge one.

You: YES.

Me: Pot-stirrers. I HATE pot-stirrers.

You: Oh, my God, yes.

Me: Pettiness. Big or small.

You: Preach it, sister!

Audience: *starts swaying back and forth and humming*

Me: Bullies. People who pick on other people just because they can.

VO Kamren: Amen, sister!

Audience: *puts right hand in the air and hums louder*

Me: Cheaters. Be it on a spouse or on your taxes or on a test or just in everyday interactions. Cheaters ruin it for everyone else, and that drives me up the wall. That's a dealbreaker.

You: Can ya say hallelujah?

Audience: *sings* Hallelujaaaaaah!

Me: ...*holds at the pinnacle*

You: Oh, say it, sister!

VO Kamren: Say hallelujah!

Audience: *holds a chord in true gospel choir style*

Me: People who use the last of the toilet paper or the last paper towel and don't... replace... the roll.

You: Have mercy! *fans self*

VO Kamren: The cardinal sin! *faints*

Audience: *wails and repents*

Me: *shrug* Meh. That's about it. That last one was a doozie, though.

You: *snaps out of it* Fiddly.

VO Kamren: *still fainted*

Audience: ...So... like... what now?

Me: I'm done for the day. You?

You: I'm good. Should we, like, smack Annabelle to wake him up?

Me: ...You just wanna smack him, don't you.

You: I notice that's not a question, so I see no reason to answer it.

Audience: Let the poor kid sleep. He's all tuckered out from the revival.

Me: Poor little guy.

You: *nudges him with foot*

Me: Lori!

You: You'd rather I smack him?

Me: *eyeroll*

-FADE OUT-


	47. Episode 47

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show!

You: *sips Diet Coke*

Me: *sips hot Earl Grey*

Audience: *picks at scabs*

Me: Those'll never heal if you don't stop picking.

Audience: But they itch.

You: *headshake*

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, so I was watching that show about dirty jobs last night, and I think that should be our topic today.

You: Is that what the all powerful clippy thing says?

VO Kamren: *consults* Nope. It says "bug collecting".

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...*tries not to pick*

You: Okay, so are we talking just gross jobs that no one wants to do, or actually awful jobs?

VO Kamren: There's a difference?

Me: Uh, yeah.

You: So, so many things go into whether a job sucks or not, wombat. A bad supervisor or even just one obnoxious fellow employee can turn a good job bad faster than you can snarf down a dinosaur-shaped PB&J.

VO Kamren: ...That's pretty fast.

You: Exactly.

Audience: ...Great. Now we're hungry AND itchy.

VO Kamren: So... I guess just say what you think the worst job possible is.

Me: You mean, the worst job here.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: In this country.

VO Kamren: ...That makes a difference because...?

Me: Uh, because other countries have jobs we would never even consider, and plenty of them are more demeaning and soul-sucking for far less pay.

VO Kamren: Good grief! This shouldn't be so complicated! Just say the worst job you can think of and leave it at that!

You: What if it's a job I actually had?

VO Kamren: That's fine. Just GO.

You: *looks at me*

Me: *eyeroll* Don't even.

You: *huffs* Fine. I guess the worst job I can think of is because it's one I had and it was awful. I worked for this place that housed troubled kids and tried to provide treatment for their disorders.

VO Kamren: ...Isn't that a good job? You're helping troubled kids, right?

You: It sounds really noble on paper, but in reality, those kids were TROUBLED. All caps.

Me: I see where you're going with this, and I sympathize.

You: Right? I mean, those kids would hit you and kick you, and you could only use certain mandated methods of making them stop or risk a lawsuit. They'd throw stuff at you or shit in their beds or right on the floor, then do their best to get it on you somehow. And on top of that, it paid horribly for long shifts. Mine were usually overnight shifts, too, and if the next person didn't show up, you just had to stay until they did.

Me: *nods* Sounds about right.

VO Kamren: Okay, that DOES sound pretty bad.

Audience: No, it sounds AWFUL.

You: And you couldn't use restraints except in very specific circumstances that had to be very clearly documented, and even then, only until the kid calmed down, at which point you had to let them up again. Sometimes, they were just faking calm, and as soon as you let them up, they'd get right back to the hitting and kicking and throwing things.

Me: They were troubled, but they weren't stupid.

You: Exactly. And no matter how sorry you felt for what they'd been through at home or in foster care, it was hard to hang onto that sympathy when one of them was trying to strangle you with your own lanyard.

Audience: *winces*

You: So yeah. Worst job I can think of.

Me: Gotta give you that one. Does not sound fun.

You: What about you, wombat?

VO Kamren: Uh... I guess I'll have to stick to the theoretical here. The episode I was watching was about a septic tank cleaner, and it looked pretty terrible.

You: Gross.

Me: Fiddly gross. And potentially hazardous to your health if you inhaled fumes or, God forbid, got any on you.

VO Kamren: Right? And there was another one about cleaning out one of those commercial-sized barbecue cookers that just about put me off of food forever. *gags*

You: *hurks*

Me: I'm not saying it's not gross, but you two have some seriously weak stomachs.

Audience: *hurls into airsick baggies*

Me: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE??

Audience: We're very delicate.

Me: *eyeroll*

You: *swallows hard* Uh... your turn, Mols. What's your idea of a terrible job?

Me: Honestly? Working for rich people.

You: That doesn't sound too bad. And think of the tips you'd get!

VO Kamren: And if you made a good impression, maybe they could help you out somehow.

Me: Have you guys met many rich people?

VO Kamren: I know a few, yeah.

You: *shrug* Not really, I guess.

Me: While there are plenty of nice rich folk, the ones I've dealt with have mostly been both smug and miserly at the same time, and the rest have been woefully oblivious to how the rest of the world lives.

VO Kamren: ...Huh.

You: I can kinda see that.

Me: If it's not their spoiled kids spreading shit all over the walls of a public bathroom because it's not like they have to clean it up, it's a super-rich boss telling a fellow employee of mine that she clearly doesn't know how to budget if she can't feed a family of five on what he pays her. While he spends her year's salary to hire a moving company from another state to come and move him into a different mansion just across town.

Audience: *winces*

Me: And if you're in a service position directly in their home, like a butler or a housemaid or a cook or something, it's gotta be even worse. If you're not subservient enough, no matter how they treat you, they can and will straight up kick you out and blackball you to all their snobby friends. Or they're just condescending in general, because you're clearly a substandard creature with no future but what they give you and no hopes or aspirations of your own except how to make their lives easier.

You: ...Depressing.

Audience: ...Fiddly depressing.

VO Kamren: ...I don't see a way to bring up the nice rich people I know without it looking like I'm defending the jerk rich people.

Me: *shrug* I'm not saying all rich people are jerks. I've actually known a few who where very kind and very generous with both their time and their money and who treated their house help like family. I've just had the bad luck to work for a couple of bad ones and to know good people who have been badly used by HORRIBLE ones.

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*picks moodily at scabs*

You: Dammit, Annabelle! This episode was depressing!

VO Kamren: I'm sorry! It was supposed to be funny, but you guys had to go and put in your real life experiences and make it all sad!

Me: ...I think I might take offense to that. I'm not sure yet.

You: Right? It, like, skates right up next to rude.

VO Kamren: Ugh, let's just call this episode over.

You: Sounds good to me.

Me: And a relief, at that.

Audience: Can you guys talk about something not depressing next time?

You: *eyes Kamren*

Me: *eyes Kamren*

VO Kamren: ...All I got is bug collecting.

Us: *eyeroll*

Audience: This show sucks.

-FADE OUT-


	48. Episode 48

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show, where we'll be talking about pure fluff to make up for that last episode!

You: Pure fluff, huh? What, like... cotton candy?

Me: Now I wanna go to a carnival and ride rollercoasters.

You: Are you kidding me? Those things are deathtraps! They're held together with, like, duct tape and penny nails.

Audience: And carnie folk are creepy. And this is US saying that.

You: *narrows eyes* You beat me to it.

Audience: *is smug*

Me: But they have impossible-to-win games!

You: Why play them if you know you can't win?

Me: Because when you DO win, you're a superhuman!

You: And how much money do you blow trying to win?

Me: Surprisingly little. I can usually tell by the first turn if I'm gonna be able to win or not. Plus, I never go to any money-grab kind of place without taking only as much as I can afford to lose.

You: *eyeroll*

Me: Plus, they have funnel cakes at carnivals.

VO Kamren: Oooooh. Forgot about those.

Me: Right??

Audience: ...We might have to change our mind about carnie folk.

You: Or you could just get a funnel cake, like, anywhere else.

VO Kamren: They have funnel cakes in other places?

You: *eyeroll*

Me: So are we talking about carnivals or about carnie food?

VO Kamren: It sounds kinda gross when you put it like that.

You: Plus, carnie food tends to be more like carnie food _poisoning_.

Me: Gross.

VO Kamren: So... since we're talking about sweets, let's just talk about dessert in general. Favorites?

You: Dot doties.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: *eyeroll* No-bake cookies. One of my relatives' kids calls them that, and it just kinda stuck.

VO Kamren: I do like no-bake cookies. Heck, I make GREAT no-bake cookies myself.

Me: Not that we have anything but your word for that.

You: Because it's not like you've ever brought us any.

VO Kamren: *sweats* I also like cupcakes. And anything pumpkin - pumpkin bread, pumpkin cupcakes, pumpkin cake. Oh, and brownies. God, I love brownies.

Me: *snerk* Does PB&J not count as dessert?

You: *snerk* Mols, you know that's after-sex breakfast, not dessert.

Me: Oh. My bad. *snickersnort*

Audience: ...We're trying really hard not to get a boner there.

VO Kamren: Appreciated. *cringes*

Audience: Just... no more talk about after-sex breakfast.

VO Kamren: I am all for that stipulation.

You: *eyeroll* Anyway, since I know Mols won't go next, I'll say... fiddly brownies. Mmmm. And pecan pie.

Me: Ugh!!

You: *incredulous* The heck is wrong with pecan pie??

Me: The stuff in the middle! It's awful! It's... weird and... like... slimy or something. *shudders*

You: Good grief, Mols. You and your texture issues.

Me: *shudders*

You: ANYWAY, my step-mom makes these awesome sugar cookies. I'm pretty sure I'd push over someone's grandma if they were between me and those cookies.

Me: Nice! *highfives*

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: ...Not MY grandma, right?

You: Just keep her out of the direct line between me and cookies.

VO Kamren: *wide-eyed*

You: OH! And Shake's has a new wedding cake concrete that is to die for. My new favorite thing ever. *drools just thinking about it*

Me: *hands You a tissue*

You: *absently swipes at chin* Sooooo goooooood.

Audience: *takes notes*

VO Kamren: That just leaves you, Mols.

You: Pssh. Mols doesn't do dessert. She doesn't even like cake. Who doesn't like cake??

Me: *eyeroll* All dessert is not cake, woman. And not all cakes are equal. I fiddly love me some red velvet cake.

VO Kamren: Oh, that sounds good.

Me: And cheesecake. There's not a lot of cheesecake I don't like.

You: Okay, fine. I admit, I've seen you eat a few bites of cake. But that's the thing. You only eat a few bites.

Me: That's usually all I want.

You: Well, tell us some dessert you can't stop eating. Something you'd just gorge yourself on until you're sick but it's still soooooo gooooood.

Audience: *shifts awkwardly* Can you please stop saying it like that?

You: Like what?

Audience: *twitches* Like you're making out with it.

You: Gross!

Audience: We can't help it! We're trying not to skeeve, here!

You: Try harder!

Me: Ahem!

You: *grumbles*

Audience: *fidgets*

Me: Thank you. I think the only thing I've ever just not been able to stop eating, even after I was stuffed almost miserable, was this amazing coffee cake from George's restaurant with some kind of homemade ice cream on the top. I don't even remember what flavor. Didn't matter. The coffee cake was the other chef's mother's recipe, and oh, my God. I could not stop eating it, and it was this huge piece, and I finally just had to put down the fork and take the other half home or I'd have been sick. The brown sugar crumbly parts were succulent and the cake parts were so rich and... oh, man. *bites lower lip*

Audience: *whimpers* Please stop!

Me: Can't help it. That was my best dessert ever. I ate on it for like three days, and it was so damn good each and every bite.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...

You: ...Great. Now I want that.

Me: Right??

VO Kamren: Darn it! Now I want it, too!

Audience: We would run over Kamren's grandma for it.

VO Kamren: ...I wanna say HEY! to that, but... I think I would, too.

Me: Fiddly worth it.

You: So, now that we're all jonesing for miracle coffee cake we can't have, are we done?

Me: I'm good. Kamren?

VO Kamren: Yeah, let's get outta here. I need some dessert of some kind. Stat.

Audience: WE NEED SEX CAKE. RIGHT NOW.

You: Gross.

Me: Fiddly gross.

Audience: DON'T CARE. NEED IT.

Us: Ugh.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have NO IDEA how much I wanted to go home and make coffee cake after this one. Seriously. Best dessert ever.


	49. Episode 49

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Show!

You: Hey.

Me: What she said.

VO Kamren: So... I hesitate to ask this, but--

You: If you're hesitating, you probably shouldn't ask.

Me: Really, dude. One of these days, you've really gotta learn not to ask questions you don't want answers to.

Audience: *whips out popcorn*

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: *munches loudly*

VO Kamren: ...Still gonna ask. Either of you have Valentine's Day plans?

You: *headshake* Oh, wombat.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: I just... I'm only asking because I called all over town to make reservations at a restaurant, and everything is booked.

You: You need V-day reservations? Someone we should know about?

VO Kamren: *blushes* No, not like that. It's just me and my mom.

Audience: *perks up*

You: ...Kamren?

VO Kamren: ...Yeah?

You: You're taking your mom to dinner for Valentine's Day?

Audience: Soooo kinky. We're in.

You: Gross!

VO Kamren: Fiddly gross! And no, not like that! I just... we just go to lunch, ya know?

You: So... your mom's your Valentine?

VO Kamren: ...Is that weird?

Audience: *heavy breathing* Yeeeessssss.

You: *peppersprays them* Sickos. It's not weird. It's actually kinda sweet. Although I hope you've actually taken a non-related girl out for V-day at least once.

VO Kamren: *blushes* I have. Just... not this year.

You: *nods*

Audience: *cries* We couldn't help ourselves!

You: Backsliders. You were almost kinda doing well there for a while.

Audience: *messy cries*

VO Kamren: Anyway, what about you?

You: *is suddenly vague* Me what?

VO Kamren: Are you and the new guy doing anything special?

You: ...What do you mean by special?

VO Kamren: Ya know, romantic dinner, candlelight, chocolate-covered strawberries, roses...?

You: *fidgets* We... have plans, yes. For the evening before, though. Not the day of.

VO Kamren: So you guys are getting kinda serious?

Audience: *cries messier*

You: *eyeroll* No, Annabelle. We're not getting serious. We're taking it slow. We see each other sometimes and talk on the phone a lot. That's it.

VO Kamren: Sounds like you're getting a little serious.

You: Well, we're not. We're taking it slow.

VO Kamren: Valentine's dinner, lots of talking....

You: RUSHER, NO RUSHING.

VO Kamren: *shrug* Just sayin.

You: Well... DON'T.

Audience: *sniffles* Yeah. Don't.

VO Kamren: *eyeroll*

You: ...Mols?

Me: *raises eyebrows*

You: ...You've been terrifyingly quiet this whole time.

Me: Have I?

VO Kamren: You know you have. Although I kinda just now noticed when Lori pointed it out.

Audience: Good God, she's been here all along? What witchcraft is this??

Me: *eyeroll*

You: I take it you have no comment on the whole V-day situation?

Me: Nothing anyone wants to hear.

VO Kamren: Try us?

Me: Oh, wombat.

VO Kamren: C'mon. I really want to know.

You: I'm not sure I do, but hey. Maybe it'll be funny to listen to you rant.

Me: I won't rant. I just find the entire enterprise pointless. It's another high-pressure "spend money" holiday that ultimately means nothing. It puts pressure on new couples and can easily become a sore spot for established couples and can be a cause of downright antagonism between married folk if the gift isn't just right or the dinner plans fall through or whatever. I just don't see the point.

You: *headshake* Soooo unromantic.

VO Kamren: *holds breath*

Audience: *trembles*

Me: And it's pretty much murder on single folk, even if they're single by choice. Everyone gives you this pitying look, like "Aw, you poor lost soul, couldn't even get a date on Valentine's Day. You must be so sad and lonely.".

You: Bitter much?

Me: Dude, I didn't even like that holiday when I WAS dating. It certainly doesn't get any better when I'm not.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...

You: ...You know what we need?

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: ...*slow grin* Food wizard food?

You: EXACTLY. To George's??

Me: To George's!!

VO Kamren: ...Can I come?

You: Sure! The more, the merrier!

Audience: Can we--

You: No.

Audience: *deflates* Shucks.

Me: So... lunch?

You: And flaming cheese?

VO Kamren: Can I say I'm dating two chicks?

Us: NO.

VO Kamren: *deflates* Shucks.

You: Dork. Anyway, to George's!

Me: His food wizardry is the only thing that can salvage such a stupid holiday!

VO Kamren: Hurray!

Us: *leaves*

Audience: *waits*

-FIVE MINUTES LATER-

Delivery guy: Hey, got a dozen roses for a "You"? I mean... like... generic much? It just says "To You from All of Us".

Audience: *sigh* She's already gone. You're late.

Delivery Guy: Sorry, dudes. I mean... like... do you KNOW how busy the next two days are gonna be?

Audience: Just give us the stupid flowers. *signs and tips*

Delivery Guy: Don'cha just love Valentine's Day?

Audience: Shaddup. Rude.

Delivery Guy: ...'Kay. *leaves*

Audience: *sniffs roses... sniffles* Guess we'll just... leave these here. For when they get back.

Lights: *dim in sympathy*

Audience: *siiiiiiiiiigh*

-FADE OUT-


	50. Episode 50

VO Kamren: Hey. Welcome back. The Show.

Me: Sooooo fuuuuullllllll.

You: Right?? Best. Food. Ever.

Audience: *fidgets*

VO Kamren: I am, like, two blinks away from a food coma.

Me: Honestly, I really, really need to pee right now, but I am way too full to make it to the bathroom.

You: Uuuugggghhhh. Probably a good thing they didn't have coffee cake today. I might have eaten myself to death.

Me: Right? Ugh.

Audience: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: How are we gonna manage a topic, guys? This is the fiftieth episode. The season finale. And we're all, like....

Me: All I know is that, for once, I am a happy panda.

Audience: ...Um.

You: And this is one contented grizzly.

Audience: ...Don't you have that backw--

VO Kamren: And this wombat is STUFFED.

Me: *chuckles*

You: Heheh. Taxidermy.

Audience: ...Does no one else find this a little... off? Somehow?

You: *blinks blearily* Off like what?

Audience: Something isn't... right. Can't put our finger on it.

Me: Well, don't put your finger anywhere near me. I'm in no shape to bite it off today.

VO Kamren: ...Why would they?

Audience: See?? Something is wrong!

You: *yawns*

Me: Whatever. All I know is that I'd better not still be this full when I meet An-- er... the guy for dinner.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: Heh, yeah, wouldn't be much of a date if you're still too full to move.

VO Kamren: *wide-eyes at audience*

Audience: *wide-eyes at Kamren*

Me: It's not really a... ya know, a DATE. We're just having dinner.

You: The evening before Valentine's Day.

Me: No! Just... a Friday evening!

VO Kamren: HOLY CRAP I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING.

Audience: Mols has a date and that's freakin bizarre??

VO Kamren: No! It's Friday the 13th!

You: Well, of course it is. Why do you think I've been in such a good mood, even in the face of V-day?

Audience: ...We get it now.

Me: What? Someone told a joke?

Audience: No. We know exactly what's wrong.

You: Care to enlighten us?

VO Kamren: ...I think... I might know....

Audience: Uh... ladies?

You: Did they just call us ladies??

Me: At least they didn't call us fetishes.

You: ...Granted.

Audience: Ladies... it's Friday. Friday the 13th, in fact.

You: Yeah. And we get three of them this year, which is awesome.

Audience: Don't you get it? YOU wouldn't say that! MOLS would say that!

You: Mols DID say that, because I said it.

VO Kamren: ...Yup. I know what it is.

Me: I think I might be able to waddle to the bathroom now, so can we speed this up?

VO Kamren: ...Is that a fat joke?

Me: Hey! That's my line!

Audience: MOLS. LORI. Do you not see what's happening here?

You: ...I think the significance of the whole "You wouldn't say that" thing just hit me.

Audience: Right??

You: Lori?

Me: Yeah, Mols?

You: ...We've pulled a bodyswap.

Me: ...What.

You: It's... it's Freaky Friday.

Me: ...What??

You: My brain in your body, and your brain in my body. And apparently, your need to pee frequently is psychosomatic, because you fiddly took it with you.

Me: THAT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

You: Dude. We have studio ghosts.

Lights: *flicker a hello*

Camera: *revs a little*

You: We were accosted by really, really stupid aliens.

VO Kamren: They were pretty dumb, weren't they?

You: We contracted ourselves to keep the door between dimensions shut so a race of ancient murdershadows can't get out and go all Freddy Krueger on the world.

Me: ...It is SO WEIRD to see my face saying that.

You: Right?? How did we not see this immediately?? I'm freaking looking at myself right now!!

Me: ...I should've worn a different shirt.

You: NOT THE POINT.

Me: Yeah, yeah. But still. I think I'd look better in blue. Make-up looks good, though.

You: *facepalms repeatedly*

Audience: You guys have to fix this. It's... it burns us.

VO Kamren: It IS pretty confusing.

Me: We have to fix this! I have a date with An-- the guy tonight, and I can't go like this!

Audience: ...Rude?

You: I got broad shoulders. I can take it.

Audience: ...

You: Like... literally. I'm looking at them right now. No wonder Lori thinks I'm stronger than any dude she knows.

Me: I dunno. My karate guy could probably outlift you.

You: Tabled for later discussion. We have to fix this, and fast. There is no way in hell I could pass for your brain on a date, and you absolutely cannot go in my body because... sorry... but I have no intention of my body finding out if you were lying about him being a good kisser.

Me: FIX IT. FIX IT RIGHT NOW.

VO Kamren: Okay, everybody calm down. How do they usually resolve this kind of thing?

You: What, like in movies? Because that's the only place this kind of thing happens.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Just... let's all put our heads together.

Audience: ...Kinda bad way to put it today.

VO Kamren: ...Noted. Sorry.

You: Okay, okay. So... usually these things come about because someone said, "You think your life's so easy?? You should try living mine sometime!"

Me: Right. Except... I dunno. I mean, we've never done that. Our lives have been so different, but we both agree they've been pretty tough.

You: Right? So why would...?

Me: And we didn't have Chinese food.

You: You didn't even order your usual cashew chicken.

VO Kamren: ...You both had soup and salad.

You: *wide-eyed* Which is unusual for you.

Me: ...Surely, that's not all it took to pull a bodyswap, though. Just us getting the same lunch?

Audience: None of this makes any sense.

You: It fiddly doesn't. We haven't been bickering about the relative ease of each others' lives. We haven't been bickering at all, really. Snarking, yes, but not bickering. Why would we be targeted for a bodyswap?

Me: Why is anyone targeted for a bodyswap?

You: It's a story-telling device used to make two combatants appreciate each other, but we pretty much already do that. I mean, we're practically opposites, but we're friends anyway.

Me: Right. So why would we need cosmic forces to make us see ourselves differently?

Audience: ...It's really weird to watch You nerd while Me squirms against the need to pee.

Me: *narrows eyes* I was trying to forget that I need to go. RUDE.

VO Kamren: Okay, all of that is really fascinating and all, but... how do they usually fix it?

You: That's the problem. Since it's a story-telling device, they usually revert back to their usual bodies when they learn their lesson. It's a character arc thing. Catharsis.

Me: But we don't have a lesson to learn because we weren't sniping at each other.

Audience: ...So how do we fix it?

You: What do you care?

Audience: *shifty eyes* No reason.

Me: *narrows eyes* What are you whackjobs up to?

Audience: Nothing! We have a more important problem, here!

You: They're right. Which is weird.

Other Guy: *walks in*

Audience: Who the heck is THIS guy now?

VO Kamren: Hey, who let you... Eli?

Me: Why is the waiter from lunch here?

You: Gee. I wonder. *eyeroll* Hey, Eli. What's up?

Eli: Yeah, I think you have a pretty good idea what's up.

You: *raises eyebrow* Please tell me you come bearing un-bodyswapping gifts?

Eli: Okay, it's really weird to see you sitting over there while you talk to me from here.

You: Right? It's weird to see myself talk. I'm trying not to take notes.

Me: I WANT MY BODY BACK.

You: That's Lori-speak for "Enough chatter. Fix this."

Me: Seriously!

Audience: Yes, please! It's weirding us out!

Eli: *hefts takeout bag* George sends his apologies. You guys got the Bodyswap Soup and Salad instead of the Thanks-for-being-loyal Good Feelings Soup and Salad.

Me: ...He names them?

You: I FIDDLY KNEW IT! George really IS a food wizard!!

VO Kamren: Huh. I thought he just laced all his food with crack so everyone would get addicted.

Eli: Dude.

VO Kamren: *shrug*

Eli: Anyway, just eat this and you guys will go back to normal. *hands over the bag*

Me: Here, lemme-- *opens the bag* -- ooooohhhhh. Smells so good!

Audience: *drools*

VO Kamren: Is that... oh, it is! I thought they didn't have coffee cake today??

Eli: He made it special to reverse the... thing. Spell. Whatever.

You: ...

Me: Oh, man, Mols. You were NOT KIDDING about the coffee cake! Just smell it!

Audience: *drools more* Smells so good!

VO Kamren: Can I have some?

Eli: Do you need to be shunted back into your original body?

VO Kamren: ...No?

Eli: Then no.

VO Kamren: Shucks.

Me: Mols? Why are you... doing that thing with my face? Do I do that??

You: ...Really?

Me: What?

Eli: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

You: Seriously. The fix is... a piece of cake.

Eli: *snorts*

Audience: *headshakes*

Me: ...Ha ha, whatever. Who cares? Let's just eat it and get back to ourselves.

You: Ugh. Fine. Let's save ourselves with a really, really bad pun.

Us: *chow down on some seriously good coffee cake*

Me: Did I tell you? Best freakin coffee cake I ever had.

You: You did not lie. The heck is in that crumble??

Me: It's even better without the ice cream. The cake is just... I can't even... *eats more*

VO Kamren: ...Guys?

You: It's so freakin good I don't even have to pee anymore.

Me: Right?? I would eat myself to death on this in a heartbeat.

Audience: Oh, thank you, God.

Me: Eli. **_Eli_.** Eli, you have to tell George that I knew his secret all along. And that this coffee cake is to die for. LITERALLY. I'm gonna eat it until I die from it.

Eli: *snerk* Don't do that. You just got back to normal.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: *holds breath*

VO Kamren: *grins ear to ear*

You: I'm me again! I have to pee with my own bladder!!

Me: And I'm not wearing make-up!!

Us: *highfive*

Eli: That's my cue, guys. Gotta get back for the dinner rush. We're gonna be SWAMPED this weekend.

Me: Thank you so much for bringing that over to us!

You: Really, thank you! You saved my date tonight!

Eli: ... _Waitaminute_. Mols was gonna have to go on your date?

You: It would have been a disaster!

Eli: YOU ARE SO NOT KIDDING. That would have been EPIC!

Me: Rude. True, but rude.

Eli: I'm gonna think about that all night. Thanks, guys!

Me: Yeah, yeah. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.

Eli: *waves and leaves*

VO Kamren: So... everything's back to normal?

Me: Yes, thank God. I am so glad to be back in my own skin.

You: Right? I am so wearing blue tonight.

Audience: ...Lori?

You: Yeah?

Audience: *suddenly bashful* We kinda have something for you.

Me: Awwww. And you didn't want to give it to her when she was me?

Audience: *kicks a rock*

VO Kamren: Ow! Hey!

Audience: Sorry. That one was an accident.

You: ANYWAY.

Audience: Right. Um... *whips the dozen roses out*

You: *wide-eyed* For me?

Audience: You were supposed to get them earlier, but everyone ran out to go to lunch.

You: *wibbles*

Me: *elbows Kamren*

VO Kamren: *elbows back*

You: They're beautiful.

Audience: Just for you.

You: ...I can't accept them.

Audience: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

You: I appreciate the gesture, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea. And I don't know how An-- the guy would feel about me accepting roses from... well... an entire audience of people.

Audience: ...Oh. Right.

Lights: *flicker in sympathy*

Audience: ...*sigh* Here, Kamren. Will you give them to your mom?

VO Kamren: ...Uh....

Audience: No, not from us. From you. For your Valentine's Day dinner with her.

You: Awwwwwwwww!

Me: Right?

VO Kamren: *tentatively take the roses* ...Okay. I think that's... okay.

Audience: Good. That way, they won't go to waste.

You: ...I don't know what to say now.

Me: Right? I feel like someone should renumerate the lessons we learned about each other, but... meh. We just got the wrong lunches, ya know?

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...*sigh*

VO Kamren: ...Heck of a season-ender, though.

You: ...*nods* There is that.

Me: *shrug* Well, it's not a jibber-jabber-off with painfully stupid aliens, but I'll take it.

VO Kamren: So... until next season?

Me: Until next season.

You: Until next season.

Audience: *sigh* Until next season.

You: Sorry, guys.

Audience: *shrug*

Me: Lights?

Lights: *dim*

You: Camera?

Camera: *stops rolling*

VO Kamren: That's it for the second season, folks. Join us next time for Season Three of The Show!

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lori actually brought up the idea of a bodyswap episode about three weeks ago, and I wanted to do it RIGHT THEN, but she wanted me to wait for Friday. Then, she wanted me to wait for Friday the 13th, and I didn't think I could. I wanted to write it now now NOW.
> 
> Then, I realized that, if I caught up from a day I'd left early (only did one episode that day) and did a steady two episodes a day, I could actually make the season finale on Friday the 13th (yes, when we'd planned to go to George's restaurant) and make the most of the bodyswap. We all laughed really, really hard at this one, and it was way harder to keep us all straight than I thought it'd be, but I like it.
> 
> Good times.


End file.
